curbdrop out of grace

take a chance on nothing and you might just end up with everything

(this post started back before 7pm tonite but is being completed now at 11:30pm. no sleep til detroit suburb.)

i just watched eternal sunshine for the first time. it's on the list. once movies get on the list, they never get off. they just get pushed aside when new great movies get added.

really makes you think. i know that's so cliche. i also know most of the time, i'm begging to stop thinking. it's the opposite of bleeding. bleeding, you just want the blood to stay in the body. thinking, i just want it to leave my head. this though, i wanted to keep. that's what i think good movies (to me i mean) do. they make me want to think about a lot of things.

that girl in the movie, clementine, is my girl. and i know in the movie she bluntly tells joel that she's not just some ideal. she's fucking messed up and trying to figure herself out.

and i know. again, she's my type of girl. maybe she shouldn't be, but she is.

and so the problems occur when i do get with this type of girl, she tends to have issues that i have to deal with. but hey, i'm good at dealing with these things. but i'm not jesus and i can't save everyone. and sometimes, i can't hover over water. i sink.

but i know i go for messed up girls all the time. that's what i talked about in some previous post. messed up girls are more interesting and more attractive me because they tend to be "alternative" and that's the style i dig. somehow, alt girls bring out the best, wierd, goofyness in me. that is until the crying starts.

but i want a girl more balanced. and the question is where is the line in the sand? is it closer to the ocean or further up the shore? i'm unsure.

and if i could erase people from my memory, well, i can't say that i would at all. believing in the concept (if even only partially believing) of determinism basically means it doesn't matter if i remember in my mind necessarily because whatever a person did or didn't do has put me on the path i'm on, crash and/or burn. so maybe i would forget some of the bad. but if someone (and people have trust me) did something bad to me, well chances are, they aren't part of my life anymore. i've exiled them. and yeah it still really hurts to think about some things, but it's good to be reminded what is and what should never be and never make the same mistake.

i could talk about this for hours...

posted by fillshe @ 11:37 PM