curbdrop out of grace

i am in a pissy mood. i don't know why. but when i am i think about other things that contribute to feeling shittier.

and i was thinking of him. and i was thinking about firefighters park. they are plowing down all those fucking trees to building nice shiney million dollar houses. people waited in line for days to bid on those houses.

it's so wierd now to see the park without the trees there. it's not the same. it'll never be the same. but i will NEVER forget the trees.

I WILL NEVER FORGET THE TREES.

he and i started in the same spot. we never asked to be in the race. but i just kept running. he couldn't do it anymore. it's all mental you know. that's what they say, it's all mental.

i hate this.

she said she doesn't know what to say, let alone on AIM. you're not supposed to say anything because there's nothing to be said. some people would say, "i'm sorry" or something. but nothing matters because nothing changes.

do i feel guilty? do you know me at all? and although i know i'm not responsible and shouldn't feel guilty, that's how it goes.

my life is full of regrets but only a handful really truely matter. this one really, tops the list.

i didn't go. i found out and had the chance. my parents were in town. i took it out on them. i beat them to a pulp. i told them to fuck off. i'm in a bad mood. of course they said. they understood. but they never really understood. they never knew just how close i was, and how far i'd gone back and forth. i had a ride. i should have at least gone. but i didn't even do that. it was another mistake.

and last summer, that's when i finally let go. the clouds opened up what i had kept for so long. and it appears by the looks of tonite, they've gathered enough for another downpour. and the levee will break.

i don't know why i was in a pissy mood. but i know why i am now. and there's a god damn fucking good reason.

posted by fillshe @ 9:52 PM