curbdrop out of grace

tips on better family dinners

when i'm a parent, i'm going to make sure dinner time around the family is sacred. i don't care if i have to beat my wife and/or children to make it happen.

there will be:

1. no television (unless it is hockey season) on, meaning no news. who wants to watch the news anyway? when was the last time you heard two news stories in a row that were about good things that happened. and when i mean good things, i don't mean some local dope hitting the $126 million jackpot. fuckers.

and also, the local news is for people who care about their neighbors. i live in america honey, which means i'm american. if i want to know some idiot left their children unwatched and then the little bastards burned down their house while daddy was jerking off to internet porn, then i'll read "The Berenstain Bears Become Homeless".

2. there will be eye contact. you know what it means when you don't look your family in the eye? it means you don't want them to talk to you, or if they are already talking, you want them to stop. my family never looks or has conversations. yes there's talking but talking doesn't translate to communication between multiple people.

3. no fighting. only biting (of food).

4. no handguns at the dinner table. it's really an odd scenario to just have a handgun resting on the dinner table. even if it's not loaded, it's still a bit threatening. i mean, yeah i have a knife, but i use it to cut meat(s). but a gun is going a little overboard. what is this, a game of Clue? uh, professor plumb, in the closet, with the dildo.

5. veg-a-tables are not always required. of course they will be for the kids until they're old enough and mature enough to have kids (approximately age 11). until then, i guess they'll have to eat veggies. even if they don't want. but they'll probably want them because i'll dip them and coat them with opium. i hate though how even now, my mom is adamant about me eating my veggies. god mom, i'm not even hungry. i just ate my foot. yes i stuck my foot in my mouth again, johnny 103 style.

6. napkins. we're going to allow napkins in MY family. this doesn't mean ripping in half one napkin and dividing it up between the two kids. and the napkins won't say Arby's on it. we'll actually spend $2 at the store and get some napkins with stupid flowers on it. that way, i won't have to lick my fingers clean or throw my hands into the snow (if winter).

7. friday nites will be KFC nites. although KFC can be exchanged for a number of other equals, such as White Castle, Halo Burger, the Rosa, or my wife's vagina.

8. alcohol will be present. drugs too. hey, they just make food taste yummier. yummy. yum.

9. friends* are always welcome to come eat. sidedishes^ are welcome.

*please see me personally to determine if you are a "friend"
^sidedishes may include any form of potato, alcohol, or actual dishes




yes as you can see things will be very different in MY family, with me calling the shots. this is because of a simple equation:

phil + things phil does = awesomeness

posted by fillshe @ 7:20 PM