curbdrop out of grace

dying with your arms crossed

I'm not happy today. Or as Cori put it on friday, I'm not happy ever.

That's not true but that's her interpretation. I am sure she sees many of the worst parts in me. Partially due to circumstance and largely due to addictions.

My brain is static electricity on steroids. I'm about to blow with the thunder and noise of oblivion. It's all too much.

This reminds me that I stopped taking my meds a while back, like 3 weeks ago. Or more? It's probably not a great idea to stop cold. But I started accidently and then was like, why not.

Tonite is why. It's not that bad but there's something wierd and fucked up. I almost want to bang a needle into the back of my brain.

Cori spoke of my blog on Friday. Billy spoke of it a bit ago. I started a new one but that is for my art. Hopefully one day the art will be for you.

As I listen to Sigur Ros to try and calm the frenzie, I think about the familiarity of fleeting feelings whirling and twirling for a second go around... The first cut is the deepest but the second still hurts.

I "accidently" found Katie sluts' myspace page. I sort of was curious and started looking. 6 degrees of separation and such. Sure enough, I found it. She's dating some loser. She is a loser. I hope her well... but I also wish she'd choke. It's amazing how time doesn't heal all wounds.

Is it easier to forgive if you mask it by forgetting? Is it easier to not care and be a machine through the darkness?

Listening to sigur ros at this moment is like dying with your arms crossed. Go down in apathy and disregard.

I need a cig like I need a whole lot of your opinion.

If you don't think you're good for me... if you think you're fucking crazy, then you shouldn't bring it up at a party when I'm not asking or thinking. I didn't tell you this when you were sober to understand and listen... Maybe you'll read this now. Don't worry. Look at me at this moment. Look at a picture from yesterday. Read my palms and read my future. I'm too fucked to fucking be with anyone that I would be willing to hold hands with in a hospital on my death bed. This is me dying with my arms crossed.

xoxo

posted by fillshe @ 12:21 AM