curbdrop out of grace

a lot of personal shit written in a not so personal place which is my way. sorry i'm a loser like this.

i watched the new nirvana dvd with billy just now. it was amazing. i saw things that i hadn't seen before. i was told to look at parts that i didn't know were there. it was eye-opening.

billy asked me tonite while we were at the piston's game something like, "do you think that each of us are each other's backups? do you think that you're my backup for paul cause he's in a serious relationship and isn't always available, and i'm you're backup for duck because he's in china?" i answered, "no."

this is why.

sure we have our music that we play together that no one else is part of (except joe recently and chris who's not really around much). but that's not it at all. billy, this is what happened. after i graduated and moved back to troy almost two years ago, i started hanging out with you a lot and at first, we weren't very close at all. i mean we had hung out so much in highschool and in the 4 years i was in college but really, you were a friend of johnny's and mayer's and i was as well. but a lot of things changed. i'm not exactly sure how much i've affected you but you really changed a lot in me.

here's the deal, i was at a point where i was really starting to be different and starting to see differently. i was evolving from this very hard, hateful, very unsatisfied and very depressed person. and i was still trying to change more. and you weren't really a part of that process as it started between my junior and senior year of college. anyway, i was only beginning to evolve.

(also, not that i'm still not very hard, hateful, unsatified and depressed but much much much less so).

so what happened is that you see things or do things much simplified. you're able to not care so much about immediate issues and go out and do things you want. now that's such a generic statement that could be applied to a lot of people i had previously surrounded myself with and that i currently do now as well. almost like a role model or a model to reshape myself as. i mean, i have known for a long time, i just need to chill the fuck out.

and so not saying that you don't have inner issues as well or whatnot, but you just don't necessarily show it or let it consume you as much as i did/do.

and when i'm with you, things are just more peaceful and enjoyable. i had been so fucked up for so long that i wasn't able to enjoy things anymore. but having you around enables me to do so. you compliment me in that way as a reminder.

for instance, it's refreshing to see how excited you are when we are watching stevie ray play a guitar lick. you get so into it, and then i do as well. normally or before at least, i could not just enjoy these simple pleasures. and often times now i still am overwhelmed by all the shit floating around my head that i forget to or am unable to just enjoy life.

just being able to enjoy simple shit like eating 5 whitecastles used to not be possible for me. being able to sit around and just watch stupid tv shows was pointless. being able to get feedback that some guitar riff i wrote that i think is shite and is for my own personal amusement, someone else/you dig. hearing that a poem i wrote about my old friend's suicide and making this huge, emotional mess into something... into a window that you/others can now see and understand more about me is still hard for me to understand. i mean i write a ton of shit and i say a lot and i'm always talking about bigger issues and heavier topics, but for people to actually get it and still be able to avoid the awkwardness or avoid any sort of change and instead, just sort of knowing and moving on and nodding your head is something different and needed.

there's people out there that get me. but i don't get them. and there's people out there that care and are comforting, but not in the ways i necessarily need, or else i already have too many of them not trying hard enough or trying too hard. i never need to worry about you having a million issues and me having to try and fix them or feel like i'm responsible for fixing. of course i'll help you with anything you need whether you ask or not. but you don't ask. and i don't ask. and it's just there and present and simple. and that's not anything at all to take for granted.

so no you are not at all my replacement for duck while he's gone. and when he returns, i don't anticipate anything will change between you and i. you just compliment my style in likliness in many ways and then also in ways that i need to model myself for. and you get (most of) me.

and you laugh at my jokes which other people do too. but you laugh and don't have to one-up me (although with some people that's okay with too, sometimes).

sorry this sounds faggoty/faggidy (that's an inside joke not to billy though).

also cammie, you're right about the message you left me, but it doesn't matter at this point in time SO much to change what will happen. i'm not sure what will happen to be honest anymore. but i sort of feel it's out of my control as so much is. so now, i'm just going to enjoy things that make me happy and she makes me happy so i'll take it.

posted by fillshe @ 12:29 AM