curbdrop out of grace

"shut out what they say cause your friends are fucked up anyway"

i have a couple of things to say based on talking to someone just now and reading some of her posts:

on easter as on x-mas as on anything to do with a holiday but especially those religious ones, i feel a sense of emptiness. i feel i don't belong because my family never celebrates these things in the manner traditional families do. now easter and x-mas are even worse because at least on halloween, i can still and will still dress up and go to some party. but on e and x, i don't go to church and i don't do any of that other family shit (except giving/recieving presents) on x. i just feel leftout in a sense.

right now i know my parents and brother are at church. meanwhile i'm sitting here waiting for them to return (well sitting at my place not theirs).

i just heard my housemate cough after walking into the bathroom that i just shat in. i just punk'd his ass.

i was thinking about it when something bad happens or especially if someone dies, and people want to comfort you and give their sincere condolaces (sp?). anyway, often times, people take in these condolaces in a fantastically poor manner. and this is not at all the first time i've thought this. anyway, someone will say, "i'm sorry for your loss." then the loser will say, "it's okay."

i hate it's okay. it's okay is not truthful. it's not okay. not now, and possibly not ever. you respond in that way as a reflex but think about it, it's not okay. and if it was, then you didn't care enough. just say "thank you." or better yet, don't say anything. your body language will do all the meaningful talking for you anyway.

finally, i was thinking about the only pets i've ever had. i had this goldfish when i was like 5 or something and my brother had another although it had just died like the week before. and my mom, in the morning before school, was trying to clean out the small fishbowl over the kitchen sink. except she accidently let the fish out as well. and she fell into the waste disposal. and my mom was too afraid of losing her fingers to reach in. and my dad was already at work. so she said for me to reach in myself but being a kid, why would i reach into the "monster" when i was told never to do so and also when my own mom is afraid to. and so we decided to wait until my dad got home to try and save her. when dad got back it was too late.

and that is the first time i can remember my mom disappointing me. but not only that, that is the first time i realized my mom was weak and that she didn't have her head on straight.

we never got another pet after that. and i didn't want one because i could just envision the failure of the first two simple fish as a sign of worse things to come. these days i want a cat but my housemate is allergic. i want a gray female housecat.

posted by fillshe @ 11:40 AM