curbdrop out of grace

king kong review

so i saw king kong today with my family. good way to kill time while still recieving credit for hanging with the family. i didn't really know what to think of the movie going in. i just knew it was about 3+ hours long or the length of one ron jeremy sex scene. i will not attempt to give a professional, objective review of king kong (2005). if you haven't seen the movie yet and don't want details revealed, then please stop reading on and go to another cool site.

i can sum up king kong in one word: pussy

"king" kong is the tale of some overgrown gorilla nicknamed by honkies "kong" because the better names "godzilla" and "tucan sam" were already taken. kong is played by ex-new york knicks superstar patrick ewing. little known fact, ewing had to grow an additional 500 lbs. of hair for his role in this movie. also to help get into character, ewing actually bathed.

so the story starts off with some blonde hair blue eyed skirt almost becoming some sort of whore. instead, she is convinced by some douche bag, played by jack black (best known for saying "a cossssbee sweater" in high fidelity, for punting the dog off the bridge in anchor man, and being misreferenced in indie-music conversations about pixies frontman frank black). by the way, kim deal and her twin sister are fantastic ladies.

so they go to some untamed island nicknamed "skull island". some writer falls in love with the whore but then all hell breaks loss when the natives of skull island (played by blackfaced chinks) end up killing a bunch of the sailors/actors, eating shit, and practicing organized religion (human sacrafice) and other primative nonsense. they give up blonde to kong.

the next hour turns into jurassic park 4 (hopefully they really only made 2 shitty sequals). there's this sweet scene where a triceratops, my personal favorite dino, stands in front of a waterfall. the scene lasts about 4 seconds and actually has nothing to do with the previous scene or the following scene. still i'm sure the triceratops will be highly considered for best supporting actor as it is a fucking triceratops and ultimately, bad ass.

i love these days how all movies showcasing dinosaurs always have chase scenes were clever humans end up outrunning these savage hunters. never fails that logic is temporarily locked out of reality.

there's a pretty sweet scene where kong fights 3-5 tyrannosaurus rex's (is it rex's or rexes or rexi?).

some other black guy dies along the way when kong throws him into a tree. and the sterotypical asian import/export trader (in classic kimono, seriously) gets thrown down into some valley, wile e. coyote style.

oh, at some point in time they say the word "climax" in the movie. normally that would have been hot except i was sitting between my parents.

kong and blonde end up watching a sunset. and are about to fuck when suddenly the douche bag comes to save her. a distracted kong is forced to fight off a swarm of giant vampires (seriously) as the two humans use one of the giant vampires as a hang glider to escape down some river.

kong gets caught trying to get the skirt. she actually plays an integral part in his capture simply by not killing herself. if she killed herself, kong would have gone into fits of rage and fucked all those crackers' shit up. blah. i hate women.

next scene takes place back in new york city. kong is now chained up and on display for the paying wealthy. hmmm, seems like symbolism for the black man chained in societal prisons forced to entertain the white man, either through hip-hop/rap, drugs, sports, or pornos. kong breaks free and then kills a bunch of white bitches (can we say perpetuating the stereotype?) and finally finds his number one whore, blonde.

kong with blonde in hand climbs the empire state building (original script called for climbing world trade tower #2 but circumstances beyond president w. bush's control forced a different scene). some fucking airplanes fly by and shoot up kong's shit. man, negro wasn't even holding a gun or trying to run away. kong falls off the building. you know that saying "gorillas always land on their feet"? yeah, i don't either because no one ever says it. and it's because they don't.

end of movie, douche bag gets blonde. after all, all douche bag wanted this entire time was pussy as well. and frank black, i mean jack black escapes the law, like robocop. i don't know what happened to all the other sailors or whatever post-capturing kong as those parts were somehow not written into the movie. they probably lived happily ever after, like in real life.

so now kong is dead. ewing does a great job selling this. he looks exactly as i've pictured him dead in my dreams. he will probably win a people's choice award for ugliest primate.

so i have to say, i left the movie theatre feeling a little disatisfied and questioning the meaning of life. i don't get it. all kong wanted was some pussy. and society, represented by all the white people with guns won't let the black man have his white poohtang. let the negro have his tang. i mean, if it worked out for o.j. and nicole brown, why can't it work out for other black and white couples?

all in all, i'd give this movie 3 out of 5 burning crosses. it's a great movie to see in the theatre. you get to see ewing and all his ape-like glory on the big screen. but if you can't make it to the theatre because you are paralyzed or dead, don't worry. king kong will be coming to stores near you at an awesome price of $19.99 or $34.99 for the criterion collection. extras include the directors cut which includes the controversial "kong titty fucking blonde" scene as well as an alternative ending where the white army men kill kong by hanging him from an oak tree. disc 6 also includes alternate casting with blonde replaced by that fire-crotch skirt on will and grace. look for cameo stunt work from carrot top.

finally, have to say my personal favorite part of the movie wasn't even the movie itself. rather, it was the part where this 350 pound man and his smaller yet still beast like wife sat on the outside of an aisle of a packed theatre while the only available seats were through their way. so rather than make any effort to move, they sat there and let my entire family step on their fatness. i don't know how he got to be so fat, but i can think of several ways on how he can become so dead. mother fucker.

posted by fillshe @ 5:05 PM