curbdrop out of grace

now why would i lie about something like that

i was thinking about the scene in pulp ficion when vincent vega is standing in front of the mirror, talking about loyalty. he wants to fuck mrs. mia wallace. he wants to fuck her and she wants to fuck him. they had a moment. it was there. and they are great together and equally fucked up on drugs.

but he doesn't because loyalty is important to him.

and this scene reminded me of this one person who used to tell me over and over again what a great friend i was because i was so loyal and caring and always there no matter what shit the clouds were raining down.

and then i stopped being so much that way. i stopped not only with her but with general people. i stopped because i became worn down and tired.

i used to want to be a psychologist or a highschool counselor because of my "gift" for caring. i care way too much about people even when i hate or dislike them. i knew i was good. i knew i helped. and i could help because i could relate. but i got tired of that.

and then katie cheated on me and that ruined any chances of recovering from my slow descent. i just had to care more for myself, which meant caring less for people.

am i loyal? fuck yes. i'm still loyal. i will stand up against a crowd in the name of a friend. the problem is, i only consider a few to be friends these days. everyone else is replaceable. to think so many people are your friends is to not think. be realistic.

i'm loyal and i still care way too much, but i'm me, and i realized a long time ago, i cannot bear the weight of the world and the weight of their worlds. and i shouldn't have to, not all the time at least.

but i think back about some people i used to be considered "loyal" to and i wonder if they feel i have betrayed them to some degree. i definitely have dismissed many. i've gone through my closets and emptied out the clutter. and i did not bother to try and salvage by garage selling. rather, i through them into the incinerator.

i'm more jaded now. i'm more raw. but the people who are my friends get me because i'm genuine to and with them.

sorry if i let you down. but at some point in time in my life, you let me down in some degree.

posted by fillshe @ 6:04 PM