ch. 2 killing yourself slowly by living 12.27.05
"it's complicated." that's what she told me. "it's fucking complicated."
complicated is long division. complicated is a 5000 piece puzzle who's picture is of 100 identical flowers. complicated is the opposite of simple. and simple never happens. everything always seems so fucking complicated.
what is this ranting about? what is this injustice about? i don't even know anymore.
i moved to chicago because i no longer want anything or have any specific goals. yes i want to meet women and yes i want to make friends that will leave valuable impressions on my open mind. yes, of course i want to do something positive career wise. but i don't really know anymore.
my parent's asked, "what do YOU want for christmas." the answer is, "nothing." and this will continue to be my mindset until something obvious happens.
moving to the big city was a huge step for me. visiting back home offers clarity in the fact that this was absolutely necessary. not that i don't love my friends, but i hate my family. my bastard brother (well technically not a bastard) got upset at me today because i asked him to clean a mess. he was reaching over at the dinner table and dropped shit all over my placemat. he proceeded to grab a napkin and then sat back down. i looked over at him.
"are you going to wipe that up?"
he just looked at me with his ugliness and made grunting noises to project how difficult it was to get up and get a napkin for the fucking mess he made. i know, this is a minor incident but it's the story of my life. my life is a series of minor incidents.
so what next. this girl i met has a number of life goals like living in the city for a full year. i don't know if i'll be here another day or until i finally shoot myself in the face. i don't know what i'm looking for. is this it? maybe that's what i'm trying to find: the ultimate realization that this is indeed all there is. and if this is true, after my enlightenment, everything will still be the same. but then it's a new matter to make things of it. work with what you got or kill yourself trying i guess.
i guess. i don't know. i just guess a lot these days.
it's complicated. i'm fucking complicated.
posted by fillshe @ 12:48 PM
1 Comments:
You do only live once, so if there are things you want to do, or think you should do, then you have to do them, or regret forever what you didn't do.
If I didn't live in the city for a whole year, I'd always wonder if I could cut it or not. Running a marathon is another one. If I never do it, I'll always wonder if I'm just a total wuss.
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