curbdrop out of grace

careful don't give away too much too soon

i heard today at work that this girl who went to my highschool but was 3 grades lower passed away early this morning around 3am in a car accident, right by my house. apparently she was in a car with some guy who was drunk driving and the weather was bad... car flipped a couple times. driver is in critical condition now.

i want to just say that she and he are so stupid and deserve what they got, but that's just my initial reaction. the secondary reaction is that this doesn't happen as often as it probably should. i know a lot of people who drive when they are really fucked up. hey i've done it myself as well. nothing to be proud of, but it's a fact.

i don't know what i would do if one of my closest passed away at an early age. i really can't even comprehend. i've had two friends from highschool die when they were like 20 and 22 respectively. and they weren't even THAT close to me when they passed away. and it just sucked so badly.

and i'm not the kind of person who believes in heaven or hell. i believe in nothing. but when i say that, i don't mean that i don't believe in anything. rather, i believe that when one dies, they just cease to exist as a living being or entity or whatever. there's no passing go. there's no go to jail. there's no rematch. i'll say it again, i believe in nothing.

but i was also thinking this morning before i heard of this news how if i had to believe in any religion, i guess i'd have to make modifications of budhism and say that i believe in deja vu. because i have a feeling that the universe started with that big bang and is expanding but will eventually reach it's "peak" and then collapse upon itself. i believe that time has something to do with the universe expansion and that when the universe if condensing, time will be "backwards" to some extent or another. i haven't really thought through totally what the "backwards" part means.

but when the universe is finally recollapsed into a super-dense point or ball or whatever the hell, i think the big bang will reoccur and everything that ever happened will start all over again.

i'm not sure who was the first person to come up with this theory. however i know i thought about this way back when i was in middle school, about the same time i lost the faith that had been taught to me. i also know that in highschool, i read slaughterhouse V/the children's crusade for the first time and that theory appears in the book. and i was stunned because i thought it was such a ridiculous thought that no one else could have or had thought of before.

and i don't care that i'm not the first to think of it. i care more that it could be true.

and that's why i have to say i believe in deja vu. because i feel i experience it so often and almost look for it now a days (like how i look for people who are left-handed). but i think it really happens and that i'm living the same life over and over again. and each time i fuck up and have some sort of regret for not doing something or not saying something, or for having done something or having said something... i have this regret and it is so powerful because i've always had this regret and can never fix what is broken. and each time it happens again, which is ultimately, an infinate amount of time as the universe expands and condenses all through the "time" that it creates/represents... each time it happens, it gets worse.

or technically, it never gets worse as everything is always exactly the same as the time before and the time following.

deep shit huh?

this is a sort of deterministic (is this even a word?) thought. and so i guess all our lives are pre-determined. this doesn't mean that what we do is meaningless or our lives for that matter. it's not because although it keeps happening exactly the same, we never know the outcome or the future. we always forget. yet we sort of remember and have this internal aching feeling that we've been there done that: deja vu.

and then the question of worm holes comes into play. again with the donnie darko! if you haven't seen that movie, you need to. then you'd understand. i know this contradicts all that i just said, but in the movie, he ends up changing the universe by going back in time. but the point is, at the end of the movie, everyone that was or would have been affected by his existance feels this overwhelming and strange feeling like they know things are different now than what things were supposed to have been.

i live my life with regret but re-thinking this plus knowing what is healthy for myself and everyone around me... i will try to not live that way. this is my news resolution, which is destined to be broken, just like it was broken last time and will be broken next time.

the end. fin. fuck off i say.

posted by fillshe @ 2:12 AM