curbdrop out of grace

i almost believed i was dead.

there'll be no more waiting.

i saw Life Aquatic tonite. it was good. it was what i expected... not as good as royal or rush but hey how could it have been? i need to watch it again.

missy once was talking about how she had all these lovely memories of smoking cigs and drinking coffee in the middle of the nite with good company in a shitty diner. that sounds like heaven.

i've had many of those moments too, but isn't it wierd that they all happen accidently and not nearly often enough?

i always say it's not where you are it's who you're with. i find myself wondering a lot where people are and whom there with and why i even care. sometimes i don't really care, but i just want to know. sometimes i care so much that i want to smash my guitar.

i think there's something very romantic about standing outside with a beautiful girl in light snow. but the moment if so brief because it's cold.

i was thinking tonite how wierd things are with me these days. i don't really even get myself or what i'm doing. it's all new ground to me. i feel like i'm a million miles from the person i was just moments ago, weeks ago. it's not necessarily a good thing or bad. but so much changes when important people in your life make decisions that lead to significant reprecussions. and i don't know what to say or do to try and make everything perfect.

this girl i went out with tonite hit it dead on. she told me that my thoughts come too rapidly for me to express in words. if it were up to me, i would either stop thinking or talking.
this is partially why i no longer write poetry meant for songs. why should/would i ruin the music i write and complicate them with words that lack the meaning i want. and it has nothing to do with trying to make melodies or rhyme schemes because i think i can do that pretty well. and it's not because i don't have things to say. i guess it's just tiring to write my thoughts and feelings down when most of the time i'm trying to avoid having these thoughts and feelings again.
and they are not all negative. but even the good... well, why not enjoy the good while i can instead of trying to scratch down perfect moments onto loose leaf with a bic?

i like kate mayer's away message. it reads: "you make a pretty fine memory".

i would modify it to "you make a pretty fine corpse".

i wonder if you were referring to me and i want to ask but i feel like you want me to ask. and you think/know i will. but you are dead wrong.

elliott smith has a great line that is "everything reminds me of her." i was thinking how this great song called blonde on blonde reminds me of a shitty girl. are you that shitty girl? i doubt you were ever read this anyway to wonder.

elliott smith also has another great line that is "you're just somebody that i used to know." that doesn't refer to memories or to indifference. i think it refers to this nostalgic feeling one gets with certain people under certain circumstances. but it's not memory because it's this inner glow or warmth. and you can't put your finger on it. it's not love either or bitterness for that matter. instead, i think it's confusion.

i think i'm confused.

and since when did i become that guy who gives flowers to girls? i don't do it to be nice. but i find that the things i tell girls about how beautiful or great or how i like them don't stack up for what they should mean. it's like the words are lost in translation. but for some reason, girls melt when they get flowers. they don't get what i have to say, they just get that i spent some meaningless money for no/some reason to give them something that mirrors a thought.

and i think i'll continue to do those types of traditional "courtship" acts because i am just terrible with words... yet it's so funny to me that when i say something half-heartedly mean or especially if i mean it to be hurtful, girls die. i have this mysterious power to make girls feel like shit.

so why are my words not nearly as powerful the other way around?

i have a million thoughts running through my head and i could write forever but it's late and i should try to get into bed, only so that i can toss and turn for an hour. i haven't been sleeping well again lately... just something's not right with something. yet i can't really complain and i will not.

posted by fillshe @ 3:12 AM