curbdrop out of grace

a man like me

i'm going to start using quotes at the beginning of my blog postings whenever i actually do steal a thought from a television program or from a song. the reason is that billy has said that he likes some of my ideas or thoughts. but recently, very recently, i've begun thinking and jotting down ideas that are poetic. maybe you've noticed. probably not.

for example, this is how it'll work:

disappoint burrows deeper with every beat and every breath.

"please don't look at me. i'm in such a mess. i will beat your love out of chest."

the prior was a new thought by me. well, i think it's poetic. the second is stolen from someone (reindeer section).

the second is a line that constantly runs through my head whenever i have any interest in a girl and it doesn't work out. any interest means from a school-boy crush to love of my life. so i've been thinking about that line a little lately.

the truth is now i'm disappointed. people just have to understand the wine tastes sweeter when you are beginning a new relationship. it's just the excitement of new possibilities. and then when it doesn't work out for whatever reason, it's a world of doubt. suddenly, you no longer even want wine.

so i'm sort of bummed out but just from my mind's inevitable initial reaction. she said that she thought we could happily date for 3 years but ultimately believed i would break up and want to date other girls. she did not believe she would be the last.

i didn't even think of it that way. but she's right. not because i don't think things could have worked out for us in the end. but i have had a feeling that has taken hold of my subconscious. it's like that semi-annoying scene from my beloved movie Bananas where the woman tells woody over and over again and much to his dismay, "something's missing."

the first date went so well. i don't know how or why, but it just did. the second date, i felt really nervous about. i could tell i wasn't being myself. i just felt so cautious about it all. i don't know. i don't think i date well. i think i'm just so used to the casual environment of being friends and then moving on from there. actually come to think of it, moving from friends to more-than-friends is incredibly awkward as well. so i guess i just suck at these relationships. at least from the initial. maybe that's why i always come down so intensely or head-strong as i want a commitment of some sort so that i can be at ease? i don't know, overthinking again huh.

i'm already breaking my fucking new years resolution by dwelling on the past. but in this case, i cannot help it.

something was missing and what i thought after the second date was that i was doing things i wanted. and although i wasn't feeling myself, feeling awkward and out of context, i still was having a good time. the problem was, i wasn't with the person i wanted to be at that moment. and you know who that is. and i wonder if that'll always be a factor in my mind or heart or soul. the existance of girl #1 is not fair to girl #2 - infinity. and why is there not an infinity numeral digit on this damn keyboard, inbetween the 4 and 5?

i recorded a version of "yellow ledbetter" yesterday afternoon when all these thoughts were coming through. as a sidenote, it was wierd i was thinking all about this even before i talked to the girl who told me we should not date anymore because of a couple of factors. and when she told me, i still tried to work things out or fight her comments. but i couldn't really because they were true. she knew it, and i had secretly been trying to not acknowledge it in my mind. i find i can't easily trick myself because my mind overthinks everything. so where could i hide reality from myself. give me some coordinates.

anyway, moving on... so i recorded "yellow ledbetter" and it was a special recording of this overwhelming feeling of sadness for girl #1. i don't know. i just have a feeling i fucked things up with her forever. i mean, even if i ever did get to see her down the line, years and years from now, who's to say it'll work. but i'm even thinking who's to say we'll even meet up again at that time because she might not even want to due to me fucking things up. and not that i'd wait around, but what if i just happen to be single... i know, i'm sounding way too much like myself. and if you didn't know i always think this way, then here's a clue.

i don't know if i'll ever feel this way again / i don't know if i'll ever see you again

and so i'm back to square one with everything.

i'm glad i went out with this girl a couple of times. i've learned quite a bit about dating as i've never dated before. or maybe i have and it's just my interpretation of dating that i've ultimately jaded.

i think that no matter what she says, a guy should always order popcorn when going out on a movie-date. this just shows the girl you're willing to put in some loot to her overall happiness. even if she doesn't really want any, she'll end up eating some. plus it's the thought.

i learned a lot of other things too. and like i wrote on an earlier blog, at some point in time recently, i've become that guy who gives out flowers. jane said she thinks i've always been that guy. but i don't really think so. i think i've always been the guy to give out advice, meaning i've always been the supporting character in a girl's love life. i am or was the cuddle bitch. this guy who met me for the first time in person and watched my interactions at a party totally pointed it out to me. and he didn't know me. but he could just tell i was a cuddle bitch. and part of the problem is that i didn't date before and didn't go after girls i didn't already have friendship status with. and part of that is i am not so bold. but i think that's all going to change or is changing rather.

and i was thinking how i need to hang out more with joe because he seems to hang out in the types of bars and spots where i could meet more girls that are of the character i am interested in: "alternative". because as it is, i still meet no one. and i love just chilling at chamber's house, but we do that way too often considering how young we all are. and i meet no one through my friends. EVER. but i'm tired of asking my friends to look out for me or set me up. because first, they rarely do. and second, whenever they come up with anyone, they typically aren't what i'm really looking for. so i really do need to just do this on my own, through hanging out more often with people like joe.

and i guess i'll see if i can get over girl #1. i mean, i have always felt this way about her since the moment i met her almost 3 years ago now. and i got over her i guess, through meeting someone else that was incredible (at the time). or maybe she wasn't incredible but just made me feel that way. yeah. so i take that back. i guess i got over girl #1 through being entertained by a girl that made me feel great (until...).

i don't know but this particular posting is so long and so against where i want my thoughts to be. but they are my thoughts and this me.

posted by fillshe @ 1:54 PM