curbdrop out of grace: September 2005

i hope you don't forget me like we all forgot Kevin McCallister

the irony of the welcome mat made me laugh

dude, where's my manners. mom, this is dad. dad, this is mom.

you are so beautiful
a picture is worth a thousand moans.
now you are dirtyx.

butterflies vs the kkk

fill this out about the person you got it from (tee hee)

1. when was the last time you wanted to kill me?
2. do you want to kill me now?
3. with what weapon would you have used to kill bill?
4. do you believe in god?
5. do you think god is a he or she?
6. what color do you think his/her tail is?
7. the first time i ate ____ i shit all over the bathroom wall
8. what is my favorite band?
9 you're probably wrong about 8.
10. are you an idiot?
11. if answered yes or no above, follow the below instructions:make a wish and scroll down
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now send this quiz out to 1000 people or you'll be a pathetic loser the rest of your life wasting time on shit like this.

drug buzzzzzzzz

i get asked i get asked
to go to where i know i don't belong
but i close my eyes and drift along
all week my feet tap
with a rapid beat impatiently
and when it comes is this what my life has been waiting for?
with my thoughts on fire
eyes dart from stare to stair
the steps of escape strumming to the beat of heart
the money for honey
as sweet as venom needs to be
it's worth the waste to not have to face the noise alone
the red maps of river
reflect the bleeding breaths i need
an empty life is filled by a fleet of strange company

my drug buzz
is better than love
my drug love
is better than love

venom pt 1/3

wouldn't it be great to fuck madonna, with a shot gun?

if i were into guys, i'd totally dig your mom.

ain't it the truth that true love always ends in tragedy?

tomorrow will be an adventure in diversity training, followed by 4 hours of intense aggrevation, then a trip to the airport YIPPIE followed by a transit through a train system i don't know.

how much wanna bet lost.

whoever can guess what this says gets 5 bonus rapings!:
th s s wh t l f w ld b l k w th t v w ls

moving

always remember to wash up behind your years.
that was not a misspelling.

just because i don't write you or talk to you doesn't mean i don't think about you and mean to do the above two. i owe you a lot of letters, at least all 26 of the alphabet. sorry i haven't sent the dvd either. i'm the worse with these things. that's why it'd just be easier if you moved back (now to chicago).

bye bye for now.

i'm still dulled by your silence
it's almost as if
my wish came true
to make you dead
in my heart and in my ears
no more pseudo hello's
no more awkward goodbyes
to salt the scar from the scab
you so elegantly had
made 3 lifetimes ago
an echo in the wrinkles of ghost smiles
one for you and one for me
a pair made from a blade saved
for the first cut
not the deepest
but a wound to reason
and for this reason
a wound too defeating
to lift my head into clouds ever again
i will not think or dream
of promises that cannot keep
like a secret so cheap
of a reality best kept
as hopeful lies lined in children's books
please don't tell me
it'll all work out
because my doubt outweighs
any comfort you could save
for the rainiest of days
when blankets wrap around
like the coffin i so often
imagine to lay in
when you said goodbye with your eyes
as i said i love you with mine
side by side next to thought
oh how she still keeps me company
even when i only want
to be alone

not sure if this is pure or evil:

so i have this strange effect on people i meet where they often feel very comfortable with me. sometimes this happens after trading sappy anecdotes and sometimes it comes after just talking about what i often find myself talking about: some bullshit philosophical idea about relationships and/or happiness.

how long will we believe?

so it's interesting because i find myself creating bonds with strangers consistently and constantly to the point that it's like, man, are these bonds as strong as i thought because i would assume anything so easily constructed can be even more easily deconstructed.

i think the asian look also helps bring an at ease feeling of comfortableness. i am not my father's father. i am not even asian fuckers! i just wear the skin and slur the ing-words. but perhaps it's a real suprise and wonder when they find i'm asian and still possess the great qualities that make girls creame their woo-has.

i haven't daydreamed in colour in so long

i am no longer alive
i just died in your arms tonite

so.
i went home for dinner and was hanging out with my family because my dad will be leaving for a business trip tomorrow and i may not see him again before i move. so when i got up to leave, my dad just laid there on the couch and didn't even turn his head away from the tv. instead, he's like ok see you later, take care.

conversation with laura, my 18 year old future girlfriend:
phil: by the way if any of those boys give you trouble
phil: i will kill them for you
laura: thanks phil
laura: you're awesome

so my mom was cleaning out and throwing away junk in my old bedroom in their house and found my pager. because it was dusty, she decided to wash it by placing it under the hot water flowing from the kitchen faucet. then she asked me if i wanted it still. i was like, if i did, it probably doesn't work anymore.

i'm going to wear it on my hat sometime.

i'm so happy i could continue to live

so i have this magical penis. if you rub it, i will grant you three wishes (that have to do with me having sex with you).

my new pickup line is: hi, can i buy you an ice water?

don't ever drink a drink at a party known as "the special" because chances are, you will want to die the next morning.

i'm so glad hockey is back on!

to chill there

my mom told me today that she gives my brother, per month:
1. $500 for rent
2. $500 for food. originally he wanted $600 a month saying that's how much he estimated
3. $200 for gas. he lives 5 miles away from campus.

my brother aparently finally started working again, part time at the library for $7 an hour. where does his 20 hours a week paycheck go? who knows. probably not towards paying for food or gas as i'm sure he's banking dinero from that bullshit estimate.

also it took a full year for my mom to ask me, do you think i'm giving him too much money for expenses?

also note, my brother asked for more money last month for rent money. my mom's like, i already gave you that month's rent. but my brother had used it and refused to say for what. yet my mom still shelled out more money. suckers for life.

get your fucking existance out of my zip code

the completely sad truth of it all is she sucks. she needs to take the fist out her ass and realize people don't give a fuck as much as the everyday petty little things that irritate her. if she had any importance in life, whether it be through work, the community, friends, whatever, then she'd for sure not have as much time to dwell of fucking minor details.

what's more important, the fact that shoes are lined up against the walls making it more difficult to do the weekly vaccuum? who gives a fuck. hey idiot, yesterday i came home from work to find the hair straightener had been left on for the past 9 hours. what do you think about the importance of not setting other people's shit on fire?

remember all those guy friends (never met but i'm sure they are pathetic little pricks) that you always let take you out to dinner and sporting events and pay for shit at the bar? remember how you let them buy you things? you are a terrible terrible human. if you're not going to give them the ass they want (who knows why) then have the good will in you to let them they'll never tapped your fake bake ass.

and how will this all end? with you seducing some average failure fuckface who will think you're so hot (hot enough to make up for your lack of personality) and will bend over backwards to stick his dick in all the places you'll let him. then you're going to marry the schmuck, retire from working because you're a lazy fuck, and then ruin his life.

i know for a fact that there are more people out there than there are people unlike you. and that is why i hate people.

i will never fall for a girl who is consistently constantly promoting her boobs/cleavage. not that having it is bad but you you're always flaunting it, it makes me think that's your best trait and the rest of you sucks.

sometimes wish i'd never born at all (insert solo)

if you're recruiting sorority sluts to join your old fucking grounds, then please take this headshot of me and tell them i fuck like andre the giant. they'll know that i'm into lumber jack sex.

somewhere out there there's someone who loves you as much as freddie mercury loves aids.

if i were on death row, i would probably have deserved it after flipping out and killing my entire family with a dull wit.

hmmm, the sound of settling sounds a lot like the sound of tearing open condom wrappers

train's coming to take me away

you don't have to see someone very often to miss them.

in fact isn't that the point?

if you live your life with the hesitation of tomorrow, tomorrow i'll you'll have is the hindsight of today.

damn i am so philosophical.

losing myself at work

hi fuck,

good morning and afternoon and howdy. did you see the latest cattle counter on this shite blog? it is now past the 10,000 mark!

congrats on being a part of the mystery that is "why am i looking at this blog vs. killing myself with masterbation?"

do you even realize 4 out of 5 women are bitches? and the 1 out of 5 that isn't a bitch has a cock.

tastes like happy

this might not work? or post.

if you want to be

it seemed to make sense
but it wasn't really so far
the reasoning was convincing enough
the chatter of maps unfolding in the wind
drowned by the fear of hindsight
demands undemanding momentarily pushed in
all in but who cares
the stares are worth the smiles
clouded by fate fulfilling
the facenessness the comfort of forgetfulness
a blessing of youth
a habit broken by paychecks
one day soon enough
muscles will gather dust
until the rolling stops in sand
until then when i feel it again
i will continue to moondance my way to morn
where i will mourn
for someone more?

it seemed to make sense
but it wasn't really so far
the reasoning was convincing enough
the chatter of maps unfolding in the wind
drowned by the fear of hindsight
demands undemanding momentarily pushed in
all in but who cares
the stares are worth the smiles
clouded by fate
fulfilling the facenessness
the comfort of forgetfulness
a blessing of youth
a habit broken by paychecks
one day soon enough
muscles will gather dust
until the rolling stops in sand
until then when i feel it again
i will continue to
moondance my way to morn
where i will mourn for
someone more?

that's right i am the captain

i bet you they invented a skunkless beer but it still tasted like shit, like miller.

it's too bad you can't buy single cigarettes in vending machines. like 1 for $0.25. would make quitting smoking a lot easier.

thumbnailed to the cross

hold it. stop right there. you're under arrest for being ugly.

personally, i take things.

9 out of 10 cats prefer visiting www.fillshe.blogspot.com than the vet.

my father says that i have 4 more years of work hell before things get better. he seems to see things half full.

i think things as half empty, because i drank the other half.

please send all complaints to mmayer@umich.edu

muslims are the worst drivers. they are always driving their cars into crowded areas and blowing up.

yes i am joking (mostly)

draft of new

there's something missing here,
one of us should care,
but neither of us make the time,
doesn't happen,
doesn't happen.

as i drift further away,
and i turn to wave,
to a back that has never turned,
what happened,
what happened?

though my heart is afraid to,
let go of you,
to fall for another girl,
it'll happen,
it'll happen.

it's strange my memory,
remembers the things,
how they were meant to be,
never happened,
never happened.

i meant to have a beer earlier tonite but then got distracted for 3 hours. so i'll have one now even though it's 11:15 and fast approaching my bedtime.

i'm 24 years old. i do what i want.

phil: this beer is skunky
jane: why are you drinking it?
phil: i just opened it. mama taught me not to waste

ain't that the truth?

an ode to dorothy camile's rotting asshole

i feel like strangling you sometimes, with my cock
next time i see you will be the first, the last, and the only
the food in any chinese resturant is actually manufactored in gary indiana
a rolling stone gathers no moss, except on your backhair
mini fridges are just right for midgets
interlude
noninterlude
now i feel like a man
i wonder if it rains in hell
if your pussy was a 4-way stop, i'd plow right through it at 6 miles per hour
my back and shoulders hurt, come over and rub alcohol on them?
horn outro

this is justice!

don't even pretend like you didn't eat that entire cake

mom: "so when you leave, are you going to change your permanent address?"
phil: "yes."
mom: "well what about the magazines? they'll probably be sending them to your chicago address right?"
phil: "probably, but i don't know. why, are you concerned? are you worrying that you'll lose your magazines?"
mom: "yes, i am concerned."
phil: "you probably shouldn't worry about this. because it doesn't matter. also i thought you already get a copy of newsweek? don't you usually have two newsweeks delivered each week?"
mom: "yeah, but i don't subscribe to time."
phil: "oh ok. well maybe i should buy that subscription for you as a present?"
[note my mom is the hardest fucking person to buy gifts for as she's uber cheap and picky and doesn't like ANYTHING]
mom: "no it's ok, i don't read time anyway."
phil: "but i thought you said you want to still get it?"
mom: "yeah but i really only read newsweek. i only really need to have one of those magazines."
phil: "then why are you worrying about it?"

i am a worrywort. my mom is a worrywort. her mom is a worrywort. fucking a.

if you were a dog, would you sniff my crotch?

everyone for me

you know i like to pretend i'm asian sometimes and drive my piece of shit car like a madman.

packing up shit sucks so bad.

i'm glad the fucking cable i bought at best buy last nite in order to "fix" my computer subwoofer problem didn't actually solve anything. so now i have to go return that shit next week.

Phil: you little bastard. cammie, if you ever got a clit ring, would it be a princess cut?
cammie: fuck princess cut...it would be an emerald cut
phil: ok good to know
cammie: haha....when you ask me to marry you are you going to give me a clit ring?
or should i give you one?
Phil: yeah i'll slip it on as a cock ring first and hand it off that way. i'm glad our friendship encompasses these lovely conversations
cammie: oh yes me too. i would be lost without them. hm....so do they size cock rings like they do finger rings?
Phil: i think so. i'm like a size 3. that means 3 fingers
cammie: hahah. i think i would like to get a job sizing cock rings then. haha...im going to open up a cock/clit jewlery shop in teh mall. oh and then i will do the wedding ceremony too. i pronounce you clit, married to this cock or cock to ass, clit to tounge, mouth, strap on, dildo, fist...

my lungs feel like raging bon fire.

thanks to jimmy, i am downloading albums for free. fuck you napster. fuck you kazaa. fuck you itunes. fuck you bon jovi.

i'm looking around the room and although i've already dropped off numerous boxes of my crap to billy's that i don't know what i want to do with (keep/throw away/enter into a demolition derby), but yet, i still have much to give:

portable radio
mini portable fridge
chicago-opoly
poker chip set (maybe i'll bring this one)
my 9 milly
rock posters
m&m dispenser

i forgot whatever else i was going to say

i hate to repurpose my feelings

real muscians don't have degrees.
they have dreams.

naughty porcupine pics

girl asked this question: why does it seem that most of you end up dating boring looking girls with boring/no personality? this was a main topic of conversation with the gals this evening. we are all quite curious about why you guys are afraid of personalities.

guys and girls that never had a problem fitting in because they were just hot or beautiful and didn't have to work for attention lack personality.

note this applies to guys, although there is a lower acceptable standard for a guy's personality because most girls (i know, stereotype but) don't have personality and so they don't care that the guy doesn't either.

think of it two ways:

1. chris farley factor- fat people often have a great personality, to compensate for being fat. personality comes from social hardships.

2. the girl fuck factor- girls can always get a piece if they want meaning some guy is going to give any girl the attention she craves, so most girls don't need to develop that much personality.

so anyway, point is most girls are boring and most guys are too and they find each other. but even non-boring guys will go for a boring girl if she's attractive, damn it.

between worries

she's so shy
sometimes
when the sun hits the sky
and she'd rather stay inside
hiding behind blinds
laying beside thoughts
that whistle a beatless, spiritless whirl
like wind winding down
and soaring up
she likes
to cry at nite
because the noise
can't be avoided
even if he tried
between muffled
between breaths
when she dreams
she gets
the most rest
most peaceful
when he cares
enough to brush her
accidently
without reacting
so naturally
apologizing
as an enemy
as if he no longer
hungered for
the exchange of skin
there are worse things
than death
the indifference
makes the most difference
but he doesn't care
he doesn't care
anymore
enough to notice
to see her happiness
exchanged for shame
diluted with blame
hours spent
going over
what went wrong
was it ever right
or did she hide
the truth inside
as he offered a life
without the fear
of being here
alone
yet all she feared
is all she feels
and she's too weak
to appeal
the sentence she feels
is just another notch in a belt
full of shit
now she's too tired
to deal with
the what if
things could be better
blame it on wine
blame it on weather
blame it on time
blame it on heaven
because it can't wait
she can't wait
she's so shy
and i wonder
why doesn't she just say something?

i guess your face will have to do

i like flowers too
you own me $3 from 4 summers ago
nurse, get this patience a blowjob, stat!
no, i traded the blues mobile for two turn tables and a microphone
summer rain reminds me of the shine in your eye you get when you just ate a stick of butter... warm and gooy aura

her name is spelled katieslut, but the slut is silent.

go hens.

i asked a cop once, what is it like to be hated? and he said, hey man, stop fucking up the rotation and pass it on over.

then the cows came home and it really wasn't anything different than when the cows were on vaca.

what is this, a holiday inn?

man vs. human
who would win?

i like that scene in high fidelity. i think i've mentioned this before. when he's explaining how he met laura at a party he was dj'ing it. saying how he used to be happy dj'ing. wasn't the highest profile job but made him happy. and also, it was more about meeting chicks.

sounds like k to me.

i'm asian. what's your excuse?

so what happened is this:

i'm talking to mr. yount out in front of his house. we see my mom walking up the street, literally in the street, towards us. she only stops after i yell at her a few times as she's passing us because she's not looking up to watch where she's walking. and she's not looking to see who she's passing like a normal human being or animal would normally do.

after she stops, i introduce mr. yount to my mom. it's odd they've never met especially as they have lived down the street from each other for years. it's honestly, across the street and 8 units down. and the number of years, my friend, is 17.

and so we talk for a little bit and it's pretty awkward. then my mom turns to leave and continues to walk on the street. and then...

phil: "mom, by the way, why are you walking in the street?"
mom: "well i'm not in the street. i'm walking along the side."
phil: "yeah but it's dark and you're walking towards traffic and up a hill. cars won't be able to see you in the dark as they come over the hill."
mom: "but there's dogs sometimes on the sidewalks, and they bark. whenever they bark, it makes me jump." [mom makes a little hop to demonstrate]
mr. yount: "there aren't that many dogs, and none bite. you're fine to walk on this sidewalk."
phil: "yeah, plus you're worried about a dog barking at you and not a car hitting you?"
mom: "i'll be ok."
mr. yount: "phil, didn't you ever train your mom?"

make up some feelings and tell her you have them

so francis is retired now too. wow. my how time has passed.

i am typing this on my new computer. it is awesome. it is a dell laptop. the screen is about the size of my television. seriously, it's two black cocks or 5 units.

tracey has b.o. apparently she was in town (chicago) to get a tatoo and was hanging out with miss jane-o.

i went to an IAB event tonite which is the internet advertising bureau. it was at bo-coo which is the only reason i went. had an 18 oz. steak, which is 4 units.

jane: what is your blog about?
phil: just wait to read it chump.

i'm a loser, but she is super un-cool. she's so uncool, if she were an eskimo, her people would huddle around her pussy to keep warm. and to broil fish/whale blubber.

don't make me kick your neck.

i was going to name billy and my band "large black cocks" but then i realized it would be such a pain to secure that domain name because www.largeblackcocks.com is surely already taken.

you are a very funny man

i don't know it was fun and nostaligic and sad. aren't things that are nostalgic sad? because they are memories.

i told kendra in my "youth" i would have dated anyone decently attractive that seemed interesting. and it's true. now i won't really date anyone.

this is the sound of you dying. chi-ca-chi-ka. oooooooh yeaaaaaaaaah.

i don't believe anymore at love at first sight. but i do believe in love at first hindsight.

cammie just said to me, "i smoked so much today i think that im going to shit a black brick"

i smoked two cigs tonite in the presence of kendra. i did so because she used to be one of only a few friends i had that smoked. back in the day when i rarely. so i used to bum off her all the time. tonite i smoked two while she sat. she took a single drag. my how the tables have turned.

i'm pretty sure my hemp braclet dawn gave me is going to break in the next two months. someone make me a new one. it'll only really require hemp tied together into a knot.

kendra had a great quote. she said, "it's like bible true, if the bible were true."

i'm just messing with you.
but seriously
you are a liar
on the subject of hope
there isn't a point
or an arguement
just truth and .'s
oh good
i got your attention
so what is this about?
why am i
why does he
speak in frag
ments
liquor lick her
quickly quicker
drama queen
baby crier
soothe
just the randomness of thoughts on a page that are inked by chance?
i don't know what i'm talking about really and there was
never
a
point
or
a
point
and no
i am not on
and no
i do not have

legends to have retired pre-2005/2006 season:

1. messier
2. macinnis
3. stevens

yzerman is still king.

yes i was listening. the last thing you said was "are you even listening?"

thoughts i wrote down may 3, 2003.

met a girl who was pretty dumb
she was only 19 years young

away
far away
get me far away
from you
you smell
like glue
and i sniff
but i don't get high
i get low
and i know
i need to get away
far away
far away

i'm an awful person and so are you.
i meant everything that i said but the question is, is it meant for you?

i can''t stand your sight or your scent anymore.

oh, you don't know me? you don't recognize me? that's wierd. i know you. we've met before. i can't believe you don't know me. don't you remember? we met last night. we met in my dreams. you are the girl from my dreams... the girl of my dreams. you are the one i dream about... the one i want. you're the one. but you don't remember me, huh? well, that's ok. that's ok. that's ok.

you did more than enough by not doing anything

i know the reason why i'm mean is because everything that i say i mean.

i can handle my family like i can handle lactose.

it's hard to say goodbye to good friends but it's easy to say it to friends like you

on Christmas Day, i'm going to do 2001 shots in honor of J.C.'s b-day.

if i had to choose between you or a gun, i'd choose a gun because a gun is fast and swift while you simply kill me slowly over time

everything you thought was wrong.
that should have been the first thing you realized when you woke up this morning.
and now everything you think can't be right
because it's all based on a world of lies.

one day you might find yourself all alone,
because you let your friends just come and go.

so smooth

billy and brush

not in picture: snuggles

little did he know, he'd get punched in the face 2 hours from then

losing her bomb-v-card

and that's when i realized i like the taste of penis

troy high

i said get away from me

turns out i was wrong. i had thought that two weeks ago, my computer monitor (technically the monitor i borrowed from the best household) was broken. i did not think that it was my actual computer.

so i borrowed a monitor from katie dorr's family and just plugged it in. but the monitor is working while the computer is not.

good thing i ordered a new one.

so before i move, who wants to help me throw my old computer off a roof?

really you should substitute "kids" with "woo-woo engines"

this is stupid, i'm not even a freaking character

Tatertots
You are Tater Tots. Go get your own!!

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

damn it i'm so fat the character they picked is a food item cameo in the movie

nice nickname keith

adopt your own virtual pet!

you're damn right

ronnie for pres

You are 59% Sketchy

How sketchy are you?

long lost love

just another thursday morning (9/12/02)

it's been one week long since you've been gone
and i forget what i was going to say
i had a thought that just flew out
like a bird flying out of it's cage
i wish i could speak but i find that my speech
is as raw as the thjoughts in my head
it's been on week gone it's been one week down
until i can see you in person again
all i have is school and just like a fool
i just sit there and think about you
i can picture your smile and then for awhile
i'm happy cause i have something to do
this class is a bore like my life there's still more
more boredom, lonliness, and pain
while the sun shines bright while the day breaks the nite
it's obvious my heart is filled with darkness and rain
so i just sit here with thoughts drowning in my brain
so i just sit here deciding what words to say
so i just sit here and try desparately to maintain
so i just sit here remembering the words i didn't say
so i just sit here skin soaked in the rain
so i just sit here soul cold in my pain
so i just sit here suffering through each day
so i just sit here uncertain whether i should say
so i just sit here and repeat
over and over again
i love you
i need you
i miss you
i love you
i need you
i miss you
i love you

my new pick up line

i would fuck you for five dollars
i would fuck you for five hours

no, i don't gangbang on the first dates.

supersize that burrito

next time you ask a girl out or ask her to fuck and she says, "over my dead body," make sure you retort with, "exactly, i'm a necrophiliac."

and if that wit doesn't impress her, she's better off dead and we're all better off without her.

but afterwards, i bet you she'll be begging for it. her life that is.

ok this was all a bit too creepy

sack, ball

for those of you who "quit" smoking and/or only do so socially.

you're an idiot. you are constantly bumming off others telling them you're a social smoker meaning only when you drink. well guess what? you drink every time we're doing anything socially so every single time i see you, you're asking to bum.

i don't think this is coming out as clear as it should.

why should i repeat?

i don't make apologies for moments of blinding love.

i'm used to wearing my heart on my sleeve, which is why i don't typically wear beaters.

if there was a cliffnotes version of the bible, it would read:
"believe in jesus and don't do anything bad/interesting/fun/anything or else you will go to hell. now give the church some money and feel more guilty."

sometimes it's easier to just wonder why rather than eat 6 saltines in 1 minute (which i did, as witnessed by jenn smith).

i had this poster in college...

football

no action

action

poor masta

9 out of 10 parrots think they're overweight when you tell them, "i'm fat".

i don't know why i can't sleep right now. i punished my body so hard with toxins last nite that i cannot believe my body hasn't shit out a puddle of blood.

the wedding was very fun. it was one of those nites that i was very smiley and content to just sit and watch carrie have the time of her life. it's wierd, i'm not that close to her at all. actually i was suprised to be invited in the first place. but while i was there, i was so happy for her.

i don't know what i want to do today.

texus running out of thyme

so i got invited to go to a bachelor party tomorrow.

and i'm hungry now.

and once time a thing occured to be.

oh well whatever nevermind.

the smell of burning building sometimes can be mistaken for bacon. and when you discover your house is on fire, not only is your fucking house on fire, but there's no fucking bacon!

fucking should be used more often then not. when in doubt, throw it in to make them catholics think you're a sinner, sinner.

jobs are for suckers who have heartbeats.

point - less.

i got sunburned waiting for jets

so i hope there is never a best of elliott smith album. that would be ridiculous. i think in his career he had zero hits, but at least he did get recognition for miss misery and recognition from fellow artists.

if he did have a best of album, the title better be something like "past failures" or "failures mistaken for art"

good mourning spoon. good knight knife.

random thought of the moment:

i'm always trying to out kill myself

kiss aged santa

so i'm beginning to pack. first off, i have a lot of things i'm going to give you billy, including but not limited to:

1. entertainment weekly (from like 1998) on the complete episode guide to seinfeld.
2. sports illustrated swimsuit issue (2005?)
3. ten club x-mas record (2003?)
4. google pen (fuck you chambers)
5. playstation (kendra still has all the games but i should be getting those back shortly)
6. bean bag chair

so i was looking through some old notebooks from college and found a number of lost poems i had written as one offs. i'll have to review them sometime.

also found a letter to missy. i started writing in class one day and probably meant to finish but never did and never sent. it is dated from 2002.

please keep in mind i did move all this shit into my current place but never really looked at it in the 2+ years i've been living here.

i discovered that i own 3 cd players. ridiculous.

i apparently own a jump rope.

found a certificate i recieved for passing an "alcohol responsibility" test. took it when i used to cater and had to serve alcohol at jewish weddings.

found my diploma from the university of michigan, school of LS&A.

what would i possibly do with this diploma?

shut your asshole before you start to draw flies

it's wierd when you start packing up your life you realize all the crap you've accumulated over the years. like i have more dvds than i can fit in this stupid large ass box.

when did i buy so many crappy movies?

2.20.03

i'm cleaning out my closets, starting to pack. i found a few notebooks full of old poems i haven't read since the day i wrote. here is a random one:

close your eyes

close your eyes,
imagine this scene,
a grassy knoll,
just you and me,
the warmth of the sun
is shining down,
while the birds,
are flying around,
and we're finding animals,
in the clouds,
oh we're,
so in love

close your eyes,
imagine this scene,
on my driveway,
just you and me,
our back lying straight,
flat on the ground,
no one's up,
to make a sound,
we're just counting,
the stars above,
oh we're,
so in love

now open your eyes,
stop imagining,
please remember,
all that you've seen,
everday could,
be as great as these,
how could you throw away,
the opportunity,
to live the rest,
of your life with me,
oh i'm so in love,
oh i'm so in love,
oh i'm so in love with you

close your eyes,
imagine this scene,
at the airport,
just you and me,
tension thick,
it's difficult to breathe,
watery eyes,
it's difficult to see,
we say goodbye,
did i have to leave,
oh we were,
so in love,
oh we were,
so in love,
for a moment we really were,
for a moment it was there,
for a moment, but the moment's gone

yes worries.

i'm pretty sure hair like mine doesn't belong in bars like yours*

*bars that are meet and greet suck and fuck frat-tastic.

i had the strangest thought waking up in the middle of the nite last nite...
"you're so ugly that stevie wonder would put a bag over your face while fucking you."

yeah i don't know what that's all about.

driving in the rain sucks!

i hope this fucks up my borders.

You scored as Johnny Damon. You are Johnny Damon!! You are very down-to-earth and like to joke around a lot. This is apparent through your appearance. You are known for looking unkempt, perhaps even caveman-like, but everyone loves you for it. Oh yea... Johnny is my homeboy!

Johnny Damon

83%

Jason Varitek

73%

Curt Schilling

67%

Kevin Millar

57%

Mark Bellhorn

53%

Theo Epstein

53%

Manny Ramirez

50%

David Ortiz

30%

Which Red Sox Player Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

the happy dance on your chest

i bought a wedding card for carrie's wedding this friday. i was going to steal the $1.95 fucker just because it would have been so easy but then i thought, i'm giving this to someone on their wedding.

i took a reciept afterwards though just because who knows, maybe they will call the wedding off before friday.

then again tammy's wedding is in a month so i could keep it should it come to that

i was thinking if my body due to self preservation is tricking my mind with phantom (back) pains in order to try and get me to not think so much. see with a bad back, i'm constantly feeling that burn and it's annoying because i'm constantly thinking about it too.. and not thinking about other things.

what a strange thought.

yeah i tried. yeah i tried.

kids, don't do...

who is your favorite ghost?

1. pinky
2. inky
3. blinky
4. clyde
5. jean benet

i like blinky the most because she is a madman in the 69 position.

i could never be mistaken for a hippie for two reasons
1. i am asian
which i knew about that one before or realized before
2. i am not friendly or smiley
dang
this is a huge concern for me

this is sad, i just realized my stupid myspace account is serving me up these fucking www.asianfriendfinder.com ad for a fucking reason. i had kept thinking prior to this moment that it was an obsurd coincidental that that type of ad was being served to me.

obviously on my profile i put down that i am asian. fuck.

fuck.

that is so stupid. funny thing is i do this kind of thing for a living. media planners unite!

mom: "so are you going to use this plate?" (referring to any plate rather than any bowl)
phil: "well let's see, i've been using a plate and not a bowl for the last 8 years."
mom: "ok just double-checking*"

*first time double-checking in 8 years

sorry, but you're an idiot

This is a real email circulating at my work:

Help the pets in New Orleans

Hi all-
If you're like me and have been totally devastated hearing about not only the people, but the animals that were left behind, stranded, or forgotten in the wake of the hurricane, please donate some money so they can help as many animals as possible.

Some of these animals were LEFT IN THEIR CAGES when their people evacuated and of course, were unable to get out and drowned.

This money goes not only to finding some of these animals (who are hopefully still alive in some cases), but also helping people board their animals until they can get an apt/house and helping people reunite w/ their animals they had to leave behind. Just click on the link in Carrie's email below.

Please give whatever you can and let's hope we're never faced with the decision that a lot of these people had to make.
Thanks for supporting something that's very near & dear to me.

If you want to donate to the humane society for their
rescuing efforts in New Orleans, here's the link:

https://secure.hsus.org/01/disaster_relief_fund_2005?

i want to see my heart's reflection in your lazy eye.

the worst thing that can happen to the reputation of a porn star would be that you use steroids. because no one will respect you for using performance-enhancing drugs.

if i were to ever propose to jenna jameson, i would use my cock ring. and i'd slip it in her mouth.

so it was great today, driving to work southbound on 75. my car overheated twice. yep it overheated once and then it overheated a second time, excite bike style. so while i waited on the side of the freeway for my car to stop being a bastard, i thought about the $1200 i had just paid 3 weeks prior to have my car fixed up and maintained so shit hitting the fan wouldn't splatter on me.

oh how i was wrong.

and i'm not even SO pissed off about it because the car could have easily broken down yesterday on my way back from chicago.

so as i work from home today with my shirt off and with a skunky molson that i found buried in my fridge, i thank god that i don't believe in god.

funny(iest) thing is i might not even drive my car often or at all after the move.

fuck it i'm having a smoke.

hello mcfly

fuck.

people who work on labor day as sucker m.c.'s

i invented the piano key necktie. what have you done?

i still haven't seen all of zoolander. i've wanted to but haven't had the time/opportunity.

still in chicago right now but only until the early afternoon, after lunch. supposed to eat lunch/brunch with lizzy poo. jane is still sleeping right now. i am not.

actually i am. i am dead too. i am a walking zombie. meditation is key in the life of the walking dead. and masterbation 10 times daily... enough to almost make your rotting cock fall off.

found a place that is nice. i will have 3 housemates too which will be nice as i don't really know THAT many people in chicago yet. they seem laid back and good people. should be able to get along real well. it's right about orange, this brunch place that is supposed to be really good. also right next to a hed/head shop. goat, i bought you a present.

the place is off clark and belmont. so it's very close to all the bars in the wrigleyville strip.

both on sat and sun nite, we went to john barleycorn. sat nite was ridiculous as we were with Spina from work and she's apparently friends with the owner of barleycorn and all these other bars. so we got to cut in all the lines to all the bars, vip style and also had all free drinks. later, we drove in this guy's h2 hummer to the crowbar, a club and danced until 5am (ct). it was a tiring nite. jane had something very funny happen to her. you'll have to ask her about that.

got to see the twins more drunk than i've ever seen them. well cara more than i've ever seen her. also saw jimmy buffet (didn't go to the concert but saw him upclose as he got out of his limo).

that's about it for now. have to drive back the fucking 5 hours today which will suck dust bunnies.

ridiculous

BOB...where are you ?? I had heard you moved to Chicago...I moved back to NYC.

I'm single now...I hope you are too....You said you would marry me if we were both single at the same time.

I still love you...i hope your straight, not that there's anything wrong with it.
this is in or around Manhattan

craigslist "casual encounter" listing (chicago)

Dearest Fat bitch upstairs,

It has been a few weeks since our last correspondence, and we still have some unresolved issues. First off you are still waking me up way too early on weekend mornings and forcing me to watch shitty television (this morning I am watching MTV’s Date My Mom) and do laundry. I am actually sort of great full for the opportunity to monopolize the laundry room because as you know I have a phobia of your massive XXXL thongs mixing in with my things. But I am still really fucked off that I come home wasted last night and you have me up with you at 8:30 am as you bang, clang and jump up and down or do what ever it is that huge hose beasts do.

As much as I hate your guts, (they are fucking huge so there is a lot to hate) I have a favor to ask. It is not so much a favor because I believe that you owe it to me for making miserable for the last month. By the way, Bon Jovi “living on a prayer” is not acceptable at 9 am on a Saturday morning. Ah so back to my favor. Your real ugly roommate has moved out, or you ate her. It really doesn’t matter, the important thing is that she is gone and a mildly attractive young lady has moved in (don’t eat her). I very much like it if you would someday bring your mildly attractive roommate down to my apartment, and introduce us. After you make the introduction, you can get lost, jump off the sears tower or go to the all you can eat breakfast buffet out in the burbs, just make yourself scarce because fireworks are about to go off.

Thanks fat bitch upstairs, suck slightly less. Please announce your intention of fulfilling this favor by jumping up and down 6 times, then wait 20 minutes so that I have time to shower and shave, before delivering your roommate as sacrifice for your sins.

Should you choose not to do this, I hope you roast in hell like a plum Christmas goose.

Temporarily yours (one of our leases has to end soon)

One Charming Hungover Bastard
this is in or around chicago
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

the other hemi.

i think there's too much hype to reach the female orgasm.

what about the male orgasm?

it's so funny when you see the interactions of the common people and realize just how common and terrible people are. sucka come a dime a dozen.

band at the rep outing tonite covered "say it ain't so" and i ain't talking about fucking blink 182.

so be cool.

i will be in chicago for the next few days. hopefully the first place i look at will be it. for 10 months at least.

some guys like to pull out but i think you need to apply additional pressure just below the cervix.

i bet drive by shootings aren't even worth it in a hummer h1 with gas prices these days. not worth it because killing is such a sweet awesome sin.

curbdrop out of grace

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Monday, September 26, 2005