labortory of dr. wierd
sticks and stones may break your bones but your hymen was broken by r-k-r'ing.
Blonde on Blonde on the Radio
warm lazy baths,
and midnite naps,
what time is it,
can't do the math,
unwarranted laughs,
inbetween smirks,
exposed secrets,
wordless dirts,
for what it's worth,
nothing anymore,
nostalgic maybe,
never again adore,
my heart is torn,
our memories like stars,
shine shared with you,
wherever you are,
wherever you are,
i hope you've found,
what i couldn't give,
why you let down.
two fat old jewish women walk into a concentration camp
i hate the goddamn michigan weather changes. they will be the death of me. i'm now sick because of it (and it has NOTHING to do with the fact i work at least 10 hours a day of intense-brain-drag-through-jagged-rock-garden-agony-fun/work).
oh and the abuse of sleeping like only 5 hours a day.
i'm not even THAT intensely sick at this moment, just on the verge of being so, so i'm trying to take care of my body.
ok enough of this.
so i just watched the movie "purple rose of cario" by woody allen. it's not a comedy. it was great though, although i guess the ending is a heartbreaker which i did not expect. but it really made me think about how life usually is, which is no new suprise to me, but it's wierd to see it in a movie when usually movies are an escape from reality and such.
i think johnny once commented on the movie "the perfect storm" as having the greatest ending of all time because george clooney along with all the other fucks all die in the end.
it's wierd. when i'm so busy, sometimes all i want to do is lay in bed all day and do nothing. and i think that laying there, even awake will just be a refreshing break from living. you know, just to rest my brain. but then when i'm sick, like right now, all i can think of is all the fun i'm missing by laying in bed all day/nite... or because i'm stupid and have this inability to not not not post something in my girly-girl diary.
i got a new phone and downloaded like 10 songs that billy called "polyphonic", which i think means "shitty". he then played a song he downloaded which was of mp3 quality. i was like, great, now i want to take my brand new phone and throw it out the closed window, goldbond style.
on sat, while hanging out in chicago with goldbond, seabiscuit, lizzy-poo, "mel-anie", and this alison girl who has no nickname, we played this drinking card game and we had the sweetest question, loaded questions style. the question was/is unlimited: "ways to die"
this was all caught on tape. good work gold-b. my favorite was "jerking off onto a sailor"
this random left me a comment on my blog. i went to her profile and she's from tennesee, which instantly reminds me of box, which instantly reminds me of cumstain.
by the way i slept on that futton but luckily, didn't blow my load.
i have a brand new roommate named abberoonie or abby. she spent the last 4 hours or so cleaning up my house. and i honestly feel terrible because i watched a movie and talked to yount during, although i really don't feel well and was laying in bed while doing both.
and it sucks when you're sick because doing anything cool like whale-hunting, masterbating, or drinking vitamin-c-rich orange juice isn't allowed. it's like suddenly, your body has gone all catholic and you're not allowed to do anything fun. damn you pope.
lizzy poo where are you?
this weekend in chicago was rather ridic. i will comment it at a later date with more details and, well more comments.
ideas/lines for some songs:
1. [about a girl]
please get away from me,
haven't you done enough already,
why do you try to make things right when you're what's wrong?
2. [about a different girl]
things were going well but things have gone to hell,
and we didn't fall although we could have fallen,
and i know things would not last,
cause i know you're not the last,
and it was only a matter of time before we'd break.
3. [about friendship tennure]
i try to tollerate,
all the shit i take,
the abuse i take for being around you.
and so i am a fake,
and i cannot wait,
to rearrange a life that doesn't include you.
poem for your mom
you said that i have taken back,
but i don't acknowledge that i've retracted,
anything that i've ever felt for you.
now you're looking for an apology,
but i disagree that i owe a thing,
yeah i said it but I didn't only say it to you.
it's a common line used every nite,
that doesn't justify or make it right,
but i'm not about to feel guilty for it.
and you're the fool who believed me,
your fear and hope twisted reality,
and now you're feeling bitter because of it.
well guess what i don't fucking give a shit.
i said i did but of course i never did.
i don't love you i just wanted to fuck.
velvet heroin feeling just like jesus son
damn it.
ok so go to Yahoo now and search "Fillshe". again my site is listed on the top 2 natural spots and then there's a couple of porn sites.
go to MSN and search it and you won't find anything. yeah msn search still sucks ass, beta, alpha, omega, decepticon, starscreamer.
and look up "phil shih" and you get goldbond's and goldust's websites referencing our group north trips. pretty cool. i love it how phil a's name comes up before mine fucking bastard.
and some other original fucks also have "chinaman is not the prefered nomenclature" as their own blog names. so now i'm going to change it. so now i'm going to change it.
mother bitch.
but on a high note, B-sharp in fact, i am one-for-one tonite on getting girl's phone numbers.
"heroin be the death of me." what a sweet love ballad about one man's passion for life.
john lennon cialis suicide theory # 2
this is interesting... open up a new web browser and go to www.google.com. now search "fillshe".
what do you find? well as of 9:36pm (EST), the number one natural listing is one of my damn postings on some depression forum, only because i had the title of the posting about "wellbutrin and prozak", these anti-depressant drugs. If you click to the link, you'll see a portion of that article. I didn't feel like checking out the other postings by other people on this depression forum because really i only care about myself and fuck everyone else.
but isn't that wierd slash cool slash axel?
and the second natural listing is my very own "fillshe.blogspot.com" website.
and then every other posting has to do with sex. i guess "fillshe" is really a porn reference. fantastic.
so now i think i'm going to try and include brand name products in all of the titles of my postings to try and plague the search engine world with my crap.
fuck you spiders, site crawl with intelligence not with your cocks dragging on the landscape.
supersize this fatty
this girl sara is now my "friend" on friendster. i knew her in a previous life when i was still stupid(er), back in ann arbor. she's dira's roommate and good friend. i don't think i've spoken to sara since the nite of the damn blackout.
she wanted to know when i'd be back to visit in ann arbor. ha-HA! i was just there last weekend (sorry about that dira, again, and again).
and you know what, i don't know when i'd return to ann arbor again because it's just not the same. i used to love ann arbor. and thinking about it, i know if i actually lived there, i would love the CITY more than damn troy/royal oak. i would probably meet more people similar to me. although i would miss the key players that live around here.
you (pl.) know who you (pl.) are.
but i hate visiting ann arbor, more or less now because it's not the same old lovely city it was just a few years ago when i attended school there. i feel lonely and empty and lost there now. i don't belong there. the key idea is what i said in the first line in this damn paragraph. "when i visit..."
i miss the old days with the old crew, skipping class and being retarded and not caring about run-on sentences and not caring about the serious aspects of life.
the biggest worry was, "should i drink so much to vomit tonite or should i save something for the weekend?"
and now when i visit, i worry about where i'm going to sleep. what we're going to do. who should i visit (because of the few people i know who live there, none really hang out or no another and i rarely get to visit).
and some people i really want to see have moved far far away from ann arbor. and they have moved on.
so it goes
i have sweaty boat rash
this was billy's away message tonite:
5 great dressers:
1. christy the shoe store girl
2. jenny wegner
3. josh wegner
4. phil shih (pre 2000)
5. lisa marsack
i don't get it. i never thought i was a great dresser. not now, and definitely not pre 2000. i hated the clothes i used to wear in highschool. they were mostly shite. actually i just thought about it and they were mostly from structure. which we all know now is express (for fags).
i wonder if people think i'm really homophobic or racist or sexist or if they think i'm cool.
i like the clothes i wear now. i mean i don't get to wear what i really want to wear nearly as often as i'd like: a jimmy hat.
badda bing.
but seriously, i think in general, girls like the clothes that i wear now a lot more than the clothes i wore in highschool. in fact i know so.
clothes-related compliments recieved pre highschool: 0
clothes-related compliments recieved during highschool: 4 (3 from billy)
clothes-related compliments recieved post highschool: priceless
there are some things that money can't buy. for everything else, there's mastercard.
and although it saddens me that billy no longer likes my clothes, in the long run, i want to be with a girl. sorry billy.
chambers called me tonite telling me that we had to haul two sets of golf clubs to chicago on account of mayer's ass. apparently he wants to take some skirt golfing.
i'll do this deed mayer, but you now owe me your sister. and not the shitty one either.
they will detail their pain in some standard refrain
i want to write a song, both musically and lyrically like the bright eyes "bowl of oranges". check out the song.
there are a number of things that i enjoy that if a girl didn't like, it'd immediately trigger an alert in my mind:
napolean dynomite
aqua teen hunger force
bob dylan
billy best
there's actually like hundreds of things i could list but did not. and truthfully, a girl doesn't even have to like any for me to still be interested. but they are all bonus points, if you know what i mean.
people in general start 6 feet under.
good looking girls start right on the x axis.
girls who play (rock n roll) musical instruments start at 2 units on the y axis.
marty mcfly starts on the zz axis. he's outside of the space-time continum.
i still cannot wait until the weekend of recklessness. i'm hoping to hook up with an ugly girl. hey, when you can't shoot for the stars, aim low at the cows. execution style.
double-barrel buckshot.
abby is moving into my place this weekend while i'm gone. we'll finally have a full house again. what are the chances she'll have hot, single, cool (girl) friends?
probably as good as the chances i'd get with one.
and i made two new riffs tonite while waiting for billy's ass to get to goldbond's. but i fear i will forget by the next time i play guitar. might not be for another week.
i was thinking today, that i give a lot of credit to girls who do not typically wear pink colored clothing. now don't get me wrong, i think girls typically can look great in pink. but it says a lot when a girl doesn't obsess on the color and wear it and surround themselves with it all the time. see ya bowman!
within my buddy list, i demoted kool kate in the "people dead to me" group. it's not that i don't like her or anything. but i really don't talk to her often or at all. so the plan is to keep her there at the top of that shit list for 2 years until she returns. on that day, billy, double c, and i will no longer be friends. we will be in competition, like max fischer and herman blume for the love of rosemary cross.
you know she's my rushmore.
and that will be the demise of curb drop.
gorman asked tonite if jamacan people were black. he's so stupid. jamacan's are black, so by definition, they aren't people. idiot.
i drive a black car and i call it whatever i want. because i OWN it. (the joke was better in the context originally said).
by the way, the conversation started because he was intensely watching cool runnings on the disney channel. no comment there.
i was going to try and get to bed by 11pm tonite. now it's almost 1am. i am going to dread getting up in a few hours. dang.
cool as icecream. cool as i scream.
so duck's mom called me today at 4pm. i missed the call but called her back not knowing who it was. she was like, are you at work. i almost had to reach through the phone and kill her and then kill myself.
murder-suicide baby.
i was having such a shitty afternoon at work. anyway, she wanted to know where my parents were. i told them i don't know, probably also at work.
so i get home and my parents wanted to know where duck's parents were because they apparently called my parents a couple times.
so what's wrong with this scenario? well why the hell are people asking me where other people are? how would i possibly know? i don't have some gps tracking device on their asses.
fuck onstar and fuck tref detri's teather.
when it's fading fast
this is a real email i got from a co-worker. i originally read it late last nite but dismissed it thinking i had gone temporarily insane. i asked jane about it this morning as she had recieved it as well. she goes, "i don't care if they shoot birds." hahahahah. yeah, why would you care? why would anyone care? i guess this is what happens when you have absolutely nothing going in your life.
Hi All,
_____and _____are collecting signatures for a petition to restore the Dove Shooting Ban. This is a small, peaceful bird that is being hunted for the first time in 99 years. Consider these arguments for protecting the Mourning Doves (full explanation is on the attached Word document):
- Mourning doves have been continuously protected in Michigan for nearly a century.
- Dove hunting serves no wildlife management purposes.
- Doves are backyard birds much loved by the people of Michigan; they should not be shot for target practice.
- There is an unacceptably high wounding rate for dove hunting.
- Dove shooting will contribute to the discharge of enormous amounts of toxic lead shot in the environment.
- Dove shooting produces mistaken identity kills, including American kestrels, Sharp-shinned hawks and several other federally protected species.
- Dove shooting is known to produce orphaned young.
- There are plenty of other species for hunters to shoot in the state.
I know some of you may be happy the doves can be hunted. If so, please delete this email - that's what's great about this country. However, if you believe that the Doves should be protected once again, please come by my cube and add your name to the list and pass this message on to anyone else you may know who would like to protect the doves. Additional information can be found at: www.stopshootingdoves.org
225,000 signatures are needed to have this measure added to the 2006 Ballot. They are being collected by volunteers across the state... every signature will help, including yours!
Thanks for your support!
love myself, better than you
i think it's way too easy to fall in love. seriously. i mean, i think most people settle and end up living pretty happy, pretty satisfying lives. but are you going to tell me the majority of people are in love? or that even people who live and stay together for many happy years are really in love to the point that they couldn't have the same, stale, semi-pleasant, maintaining life with any other given clone?
so i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm no longer looking for love. i'm looking for a higher point. and i'm going to give myself a few years to do so, before i finally give up and settle for LOVE.
just like everybody else.
it's not that you're not my type. it's that you're not even my blood type. so even if i got shot or something, you still would be worthless to me.
i met a girl tonite, through joe (maybe his new girl?), who makes her living selling crap on ebay. her crap in particular is vintage clothing. it's kind of cool i guess to make one's living selling junk on ebay to empty faces. it'd be wierd to have your best customer be recognized by your memory simply by the email address.
billy and i agree that girls like to talk about uninteresting, mundane, daily events. see now, i can understand why they would do so. i mean, they just think on those lines. but it still facinates me that other girls enjoy listening and commenting with their own personal tales of boredom. i mean it'd only make sense that you'd like to hear about what you also like to talk about. but i guess i just have my own perspective of the situation where i'm usually the one having to suffer and listen, while it's much rarer that i am the one telling a shitty pointless act of boredom. fast forward mates!
i'm always so interesting. if you don't like it, then suck on a lemon.
when god gives you lemons, tell him to fuck off.
i used to pray to god. but i also used to wet my bed.
you can't just choke your problems
i was just doing some research in my old highschool year book and stumbled upon a quote by my buddy billy best. he said, "THS has been a great four years. The experiences and lessons I have learned will be with me and help me with the all the experiences to come."
now first of all, i am still doubtful that he said that, but if he did, then there's ANOTHER typo in the year book. did you see it? second of all, even if he said it, there's still that fucking typo. third of all, what the hell billy. did you really say that? if you did, i have to say i'm sort of disappointed you were quoted with the most generic thing you could have said.
i played guitar today for something like 6 hours. my fingers kill.
and i did write a new song.
and billy, i did post more demos that you should check out in my hotmail.juno@gmail.com address.
and why are there suddenly so many horror/suspense movies coming out this time of the year? i thought normally this genre is reserved for pumpkin pie time? i guess market research must show people are in the mood this time of the year.
there was just this terrible commericial for coke featuring some grrrl band, saying that they are keeping it real by drinking coke.
drink coke because you want to (and because pepsi is too sweet and sucks). don't do it because some stupid grrrl power punk trio says so.
i really have nothing to say tonite.
highest highs and lowest lows
god elliott smith is hauntingly sad and seductive at the same time. seriously, check out his song "twilight". go on itunes and purchase immediately. $.99 gets you the sweetest, purest, lonliest, soul stripped song you'll find. or just steal it from kazzaa.
i haven't been to www.homestarrunner.com in a long ass time. i need to go soon though but i think that's one of those websites where the content is better when viewed with others. but next time i make a visit, i know there'll be like 4 months of content to walk thru.
i'm going to write a new song today. we'll see how it turns out.
last call sick of it all
i want to write splended sad songs in the likes of elliott smith. but i don't ever want to be that sad (again). so i'm in a predicament where i listen to the best and aspire but am not willing to fly that close to the sun.
i slept at chamber's house again last nite, in my usual spot on the long couch. this morning when i woke up i thought, you know i'm like that girl in pulp fiction that is just always chilling at the drug dealer's house. i just sort of hang around day and nite all the time, not really doing much but sort of living in this pseudo home.
i told chambers and jb that i need a little closet to house my stuff, as i'm there all the time anyway.
and last nite, coming back from memphis smoke i asked jane to play with my hair, as i find it incredibly orgasmic. she did and i fell asleep. when i woke, everyone was gone.
i know part of this is drinking some alcohol which makes me SHEEPY (hahaha mayer you fuck) but also part of this situation, where i seem to keep falling asleep around 1-2am on weekend nites when people are still around and up, has to do with the fact i have zero caffiene (sp?) intake on the weekends. so maybe i should look into that? or else maybe i should just let my body win and fall asleep as it naturally does?
and we're going to chicago next weekend... goldbond and myself. and i called mel to tell her i'd be in town (i had meant to call her for a few weeks now about the matter, in order to RSVP). well she called me back while we were at memphis and she was so excited that i was coming, saying she'd shadow me the entire weekend. now, i was already really looking forward to the weekend, but now i'm completely psyched. i am much more excited to go to chicago than i am to go to vegas, although i'm sure both trips will be fun as throwing vaccuums off of roofs.
and you know, i typically do not get excited for anything. i do look forward to a lot of things, but almost never am full blown excited and wet with anticipation. but i am for this next weekend. i cannot wait.
my mom so baby's my brother. he's sleeping and my dad wants to wake his ass up because it's past noon and because it's lunch time and we want to have some sort of family time together. but my mom won't allow, saying that if he wants to sleep, let him sleep because he's a little bitch.
i added the little bitch part.
i might get a new phone today.
the evening went well, but there was nothing that makes it seem like we're more than friends, which sucks."
complications by design,
always pressing on my mind,
obvious oblivious fine line.
text book taught but not defined,
question mark marking what's mine,
over eager for a sign.
thank you very much gentlemen
a bunch of people have been reading my blog whom stumble upon it, which is fine. however, some dumb fuck left a stupid response to one of my postings, calling me a tard when in all actuality, he is the one who is a moron because. just because.
no, read his comment and then read my response to him. i think his posting was somewhere around the jan 13 posting? could be wrong.
goldbond, jb, and i went to ann arbor last nite. they went to see heidi. i went to visit missy. originally i was going to stop by mix's but that didn't happen. also planned to see dira but again, that didn't happen.
missy and i just talked for the nite, didn't do much, but it was a good time. i actually slept better on her couch than i have in a long time anywhere else. and it was quality sleep as i wasn't on anything.
it's quality moments like last nite that seem to be rare these days.
i am still learning a lot and getting a lot from this scenario.
and we came back from AA in this shit storm. we got stuck behind this semi on the on ramp to 275-N for 30 minutes before goldbond used his excursion to drive semi-offroad past the damn truck. it was pretty sweet. we should have a couple of videos or pics of the whole ordeal.
and now i'm stuck at goldbond's because of the damn storm and my car is a shitty malibu, which is undriveable in this weather. i don't even think i have any gas in my tank. i might be here all nite, which is ok except i'm standing in his kitchen typing this, about to shoot out a log from my ass.
oh and mayer you fuck, i booked a ticket to vegas that is non-refundable so i'm going for sure now. and it cost $60 more than yours, damn it.
damn it too, goldbond just came back up from the only working toilet in the house. he had been there for about 20 minutes. so now i'm going to have to wait at least 3 hours before i can allow myself to go down there.
and if i were to breathe through my mouth, that would be allowing his poo/asshole particles to enter my mouth which is kind of disgusting. at least when you breathe through your nose, your nostrals stop or hinder the nasties from entering your system. but with your mouth open, anything goes. AND YOU KNOW THIS, gorman(s)!
looks like i won't be going out with pat's girlfriend tonite. dang.
i was the fool beside you
i often wonder if boring people realize that people less boring than themselves suffer through conversations and dread sharing time and space with.
i don't think they get it. i mean, i think they get that talking to more interesting people is exciting, and maybe even a thrilling, rare treat to them. but i think they pretty much are okay with spending the rest of their lives in an ordinary, mundane, boring fashion.
that's why boring people attract, marry, and breed more boring people. only they can stand to be with themselves.
of course i'm not boring, because i'm great.
with a needle hanging out of my arm
i think people who say marijuana is a gateway drug fails to realizes that people who move on to harder drugs were already moving along the path of self-destruction. so it's not a gateway drug. rather, marijuana is a weeder drug (no pun intended) where you can determine who is ignorant and sees the world in black and white and who has working cones in their eyes.
i'd like to believe things happen for a reason
but the reason is that things don't work out
ladies and germs, or in otherwords, gorman's mom.
i already know tomorrow's work day is going to suck tiny rain droplets.
but then it's Ann Arbor time baby.
i will not lie, i have a secret agenda with these people.
i heard that song today that goes "i've been knocked down, but i get up again, man ain't nothing ever gonna keep me down." or something else cool like that. how highschool was that?
i've been looking for my matching soul
like i've been looking for my favorite bowl
the first is on the other side of the world
while the other is with a stupid girl
soccer was fun tonite. i still have not egg rolled though.
the sad girl puts balls in her mouth
i'm talking to missy now and telling her i might be in town on friday. she has agreed to meet up.
she said she'll "drop fucking anything".
yeah but that's 90% of gravity's fault.
for love not lisa
tonite i found on my parent's computer, this conversation over messenger that i had with this girl a few years ago.
i opened the file and began reading it and then stopped. i didn't get to the "good" part. well i mean i'm assuming there was a reason why i saved the conversation.
i stopped because it was so wierd even reading what i had written. it didn't seem like things i would say, well not really because it did seem like it. i don't know how to describe it. it was just wierd.
and i didn't read on becuase for whatever reason, i feel like whatever that conversation was, it was a good moment in my life. and i don't want to taint it now by reading it out of the context in which it was originally created. if that makes any sense.
i just want to keep that good moment pure.
cool. you kiss like my dad.
i think the most notable line from "usual suspects" is: "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
or else that one holocaust magic trick where he made over a million jews disappear.
wait wait, you might think that i crossed the line this time. but you're wrong. i'm practically jewish myself. i don't believe in jesus either.
badda-bing.
i'm going to use that for my stand-up routine vs. goldbond chambers.
symantics this hitler!
i hate the phrase: "you're the love of my life." so what? maybe you've led a shitty life or had a string of shitty loves.
and the phrase: "you're one of my best friends." what does that mean? you can only have one "best" friend. unless you somehow you cast a spell that allows you to redefine the meaning of a word that has been around since the time of woolly mammoths and avg. life spands of "fetus".
{in a screechy sheek:} those were the days!
then again, there is a validand probably often-used reason amongst people i know. the reason: because you're friends with two of the three (billy, nick, and chris) best(s) and you're telling one of them "you're one of my best friends".
well that was ridiculous
can you tell my actions are orchestrated?
i vow to go to bed early tonite. early means before midnite.
last nite i came home for caroline's birthday gathering at her house and played guitar for an hour before going to bed after 1am. it's not so smart as i felt like i dragged ass today. but it was completely necessary.
i often think of how i messed up this opportunity and have regretted the fuckup for years now. but i guess that's why it's called an opportunity as it's a chance but not a guarantee. i think most chances at happiness, even momentary glimpses, are opportunities. i wish the percentages were flopped.
or flipped.
(sidenote, if you thought the dixie chicks wrote that line, you deserve to go to jail. do not pass go. do not collect $200).
or 1,000,000 pesos.
or one arabian horse.
or 201 units.
back to the point (i'll start over as i am an idiot)...
cat stevens sang, "the first cut is the deepest." but i was thinking, now that isn't entirely true because sometimes the second cut is on the opposite wrist.
so yeah, the real point is that i fucked up the opportunity twice.
i think that the type of people who are high-up in my company are mostly work-aholics. the reason i think this is because in order to have gotten to the position, they must have once manned the position of associate media director, which basically means, work-aholic. (see how i tried to make a point by using the point as the answer. or something. adjective?)
no but SERIOUSLY!!!! they truely work so hard, these amd's. and having to work with them everyday makes me work hard. if they were lazy ass's, i wouldn't feel so bad go to the men's room on the hour to shit in an urinal.
they work hard. that's why they're work-aholics.
this posting was brought to you by "Core 3 Solutions", where 3 is better than 2, and you!
low/no value
it's funny how fast one can fall in love when one's head and heart weigh heavy with fear.
i was just thinking about how this older year woman said, "i love you" to her boyfriend which she's dated for like a month.
at least the wipers work today
if i were king, i'd make snowing illegal. of course that would mean i was in hell. therefore by being king of hell, that would make me satan. or something.
yes a + b = c.
you give me highs.
i want to join the Dead Poet's Society. partly because i think i write good poetry, but mostly because i want to be dead.
to sleep oh to sleep
your eyes are filled with false promises, filling my heart with false hope
had fun tonite. found out some guy i work with is not circumsized. great.
spicey thai food is so good. i think i've already made two mispellings. damn you 4th grade english teacher!
chambers had a great joke tonite while trying to be stupid-goofy. the line goes (while holding a deck of cards), i'm not much of a magician, so i call my next act a card joke.
believe it's funny when delivered in person, in context.
i don't want to leave my house tomorrow. i hate cold.
no more tears
if i spent even a 10th of the time i spend thinking up away messages instead on masterbating, i wouldn't have enough energy or sperm to think about girls and missed opportunities.
oh yeah another day
back pain is for losers.
i just remembered to write down this thought i had a few days ago. some kid at work is a dumb fuck. he's a pretty boy with nothing else but a stupid grin draped from ear to ear. some of us secretly call him "box of rocks" behind his back. now that's sort of a long nickname. so i wanted to shorten it and just call him "box". but that fucking nickname is already taken. damn you greggg's.
man i have way too much spare time and no idea how to use. i just found this survey thing about the soundtrack to your/ones' life. you're supposed to assign songs to key life moments. i did mine pretty quickly. for some scenes, there were multiple quality answers. also i realize i am a complete loser. below are my answers:
Opening song: Long Road - Pearl Jam
Waking up: Date With Ikea - Pavement
First date: I Love You Anyway - Travis
First kiss: The Kiss - Trevor Jones
Falling in love: (1) - Sigur Ros
Seeing an old love: More Yellow Birds - Sparklehorse
Heartbreak: Tears Are in Your Eyes - Yo La Tengo
Driving fast: Transatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
Getting ready to go out: Happy Alone - Kings of Leon
Partying with friends: Something I Can't Have - The Jesus and Mary Chain
Dancing at a club: Meeting in the Aisle - Radiohead
Feeling sexy: Soothe - Smashing Pumpkins
Walking alone in the rain: New Slang - The Shins
Missing someone: 2:45 A.M. - Elliott Smith
Playing in the ocean: If I Could Talk, I'd Tell You - The Lemonheads
Summer vacation: A Life Less Ordinary - Ash
Fighting with someone: A Minor Incident - Badly Drawn Boy
Acting goofy with friends: Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying - Belle and Sebastian
Thinking back: Blonde on Blonde - Nada Surf
Feeling depressed: Have You Forgotten - Red House Painters
Falling asleep: Feel Good Lost - Broken Social Scene
Closing song: Looking Down From the Bridge - Mazzy Star
she said leave it to me
i'm kind of glad that none of my guy friends go after the same type of girl i go after. that means there's no competition amongst my immediate peers. i mean, the worst possible scenario i could create would involve my best friend ending up with the girl of my dreams, and me hoping that they break up. but even if that happened, it would be pretty difficult to try and date my best friend's ex.
that scenario seems to be a repeating theme in many woody allen movies.
i think for those who are not big fans of working out, standing outside in a michigan winter would be a great way of exercising. because when you're standing out in the cold, your muscles reactively flex and retract, simulating actual exercise. for instance, i was just standing outside and my butt muscles were convulsing in terror. but the upside is i'm now on my way to a beautiful pair.
i was supposed to do a couple of things today on my day off (well mlkjr. day), but oh well. that plan fell through like most others.
i was talking to dira last nite. i think it would really be benefitial to live in a city like ann arbor, as opposed to troy or royal oak. but there's so many consequences of moving there. i don't know, maybe someday if gas prices become obsolete.
dinner for one
i've got the perfect little recipe,
best served in solitare company,
start with a broken heart and scattered dreams,
and a self destructing personality,
add wishful thoughts that keep accumulating,
but please don't add any self-esteem,
sprinkle loneliness self-doubt self pity,
stir in bad luck and poor timing,
blend with a fucked up family,
melt in blind friends who would not see,
cover with guilt and haunting memories,
a dash of hope to keep us guessing,
soak with alcohol until the surrounding,
air smells like your fucked life where nobody,
cared to look and see what was happening,
until it's too late and your all thinking,
what could i have done differently?
it's inevitable it's a soul destroyed
so an old friend of mine is fading me out. not just me though, but everyone she used to be friends with. now i'm struggling to understand what it's like as i have always been the one to instigate ending a relationship that is not working out.
when i think about it more (which of course you all know i have way too much as is), i will admit that she was never that great friends with me. even at our friendship peak. but this girl is a sweetheart. always has been and always will be. but we just never have had much in common.
her deal now is that we're (my friends and i) not giving her enough out of our various relationships. i know she's right, but what is she really giving to me anyway? i almost think i've always kept her around and want to still because she is terribly nice and kind hearted. but at the end of the day, i guess that doesn't even matter.
so i guess i'm not going to fight it anymore as it seems inevitable. it's a soul destroyed.
i'm exhausted. goodnite moon goodnite starts goodnite goodnite whore whever you are.
inch nails
i don't believe nice guys finish last. i believe that we're running the wrong race. we're running sprints when we're built to run marathons.
but then the question is, just how long is this marathon? seems like i've been running forever.
looking back,
looking forth,
searching for something to keep me on course.
quatlity when it counts
yesterday johnny was talking about how he likes to watch swingers because vince vaughn keeps telling his buddy to remember that he's money, he just needs to realize.
i think the point is that people like us need to just have constant reminders to not let relationship setbacks get us down and to remember that we are pretty great, just need to maintain the self confidence, or something.
but then i was thinking today, i know i'm money. i really do. but the problem is, i'm like yen. i am technically worth more, but i'm unusable, almost worthless, in the environment i'm in. i need to make some sort of currency exchange.
i really miss hockey. i mean, i guess this playoff football is alright. but it just is not consistent excitement. if there is another lockout season next year, i think i'm going to have to pick up a serious hobby to fill the void, like puppeteering. is that even a word?
blogosphere's a word so i'm assuming puppeteering is.
tonite was really wierd. first of all someone told me that blogging doesn'thelp but just hurts (by the way i'm wasted right now)so i apolgozieze for any inconsistencies or typos or something.
but what the hell do you think i do this for. i do it for me but i do it for blank as well. band blank means that i'm talking about whatever it is tin th e moment that makes my mind not be crazy if even for a monment.
and then we need to talk time came which was so wierd and i didn't understand anything about it and i have no idea what i have in store tomorrw.
one wierd thing that was semi-normal that happened had to do with hatz magssaging billy's hair/head which ended up feeling well for me. i felt like the nerve endings or recepticals or wahtever on my scalp was dancing to the beat of hatz's hands on billy's head, so to speak. and i could move with the groove with the moves and it was all good like i was getting a massage.
i have monday off which will be exciting, for me in part, because i have it off and will be able to have a day off to myself, which means porn cityt ahhahahahahahahahha
i just made that up, mostly.
pink moon
pink moon is on it's way,
don't know the time of day,
only know i am afriad,
to face myself so i run away,
and wait, wait it out,
for now,
but it's late, and i hate,
how i anticipate,
i clench ready for my fate,
tired but wide awake,
starring in a daze,
now in a feverishly haze,
all that i create,
mess left in my wake,
wondering what it will take,
wondering what it would take,
to stop it,
so stop it,
before it overtakes me,
oh no,
it's too late.
wellbutrin, prozac, lexapro, cannibus
if you're not going to be proactive and give 100%, you might as well go to a giberalter gun and knife show and buy a magnum and blow your fucking head off.
i saw a red cross blood mobile today. it had a call number for inquiries about giving blood. the number was "1-800 Give Life". since when did telephone numbers consist of 8 digits?
i went to the auto show today during this media week. i've reconfirmed the fact that i care nothing about cars. there was this sweet looking ferrari though that had a solid retractable opaque hood making it a convertable. yeah it was only $330,000.
i'm sure you'll be seeing it in the next shitty p diddy video.
i always thought that the guys in swingers were stupid. that the main guy is like me and the other swingers are the opposite of me. and these swingers are a bunch of fuckheads who aren't ever going to get the right type of girl. but the more i think about it, the more i realize the main guy and so, myself, constantly go through life with such distress and aggrevation. maybe in the long-ass run, i'll meet a girl being that nice guy. but i think also during this long-ass run, i'll want to kill myself for making stupid decisions on a weekly basis.
beautiful babies.
my room has officially become a disaster zone. i feel my room typically is a good representation of my love life: a struggle to find anything that fits and lots and lots of garbage.
in relationships, i think it's terrible to play these stupid mind games. i've always thought the only game i want to play is russian roulet. there's always some lucky winner. no hard feelings you know? but my old strategy of not playing games put me in situations constantly where if i was at all remotely interested in a girl, i'd let her know. and after that, i had absolutely no power whatsoever in helping shape the potential outcome of the relationship. i always thought girls love this romantic honest crap. and they might. but you have to give it to them in tiny doses, only enough to keep them interested for a while until you can lure them in and ______. now i think i'm going to change my strategy and play the damn game.
(verb)
tomorrow should be a fine day.
i'm talking to katie mulka. she reminds me of me in ways. she's a lovely girl. she choose not to go to a frat party tonite. in a few years, she'll graduate from frat parties to bars, which also mostly suck. and then if she's lucky in a few years after, they'll come out with a virtual game where you can simulate being at a shitty frat party or bar without ever leaving the comforts of your prison-like-bedroom.
when the stars go blue
my body is just now starting to feel better from last nite. and i'm about to do it all over again in half an hour.
some of my best thoughts come while i'm shitting my brains out.
i wish there was a drug out there that i could take that would make me not have the need to take drugs.
i am a plutonic whore. i hate it but keep coming back for more. the friction is making my brain sore. yadda yadda kryptonite
all the duct tape in the world could not make all my broken thoughts whole.
i can't believe it's never happend to you
couple of things:
i've realized tonite that i am excellent at talking with girls. i always sort of knew it, but i've confirmed.
problem is, most women i talk to i either don't want to date because they are undatable, or ever rarer, are unbelievable but are with others already.
but i was thinking, that i don't even want any of these. because....
and that's the end of . extent to that statement.
clothes
hoes
those
woes
shows
oppose
withhold
explode
inclose
although
compose
blah
i had more to write but i'm too tired and not-conscious to be able to formulate thoughts. it's moment like these that i should celebrate.
here's another thought i just rememberd.
i want to invent this floating, perhaps plastic case where you can slide in and place a picture of your nemesis in and then place the plastic (?) floating device either in a toilet or in an urinal. then the point is to piss or shit ontop of your foe.
i think itd sell well at a gags and gifts.
i hate all of these auto show media fucks who try to park in our parking structure (located directy across from Cobo). these people don't realize they aren't allowed to park there. and end up making me wait like 15 extra minutes. fuckheads.
this man was walking his daughter to school this morning. he had an eye patch. i automatically knew he was either a pirate or some villian of some sort. i hope that was his daughter and not some poor kidnapped soul caught up in some diabolical scheme.
all these cars have these yellow ribbon bumper stickers on them saying "support our troops". i wonder if all the money people pay for these lame ass stickers goes to to military so they can buy more bombs to kill more people.
AMERICA!
i was thinking this morning, if i ever come out with a line of female adult toys, like my own line of dildos or something, i'm going to name the company "Ribbed". i think that's a great name because it's for her pleasure, ya dig?
i had more to write but i'm at work.
death to smoochy. long live smoochy.
chambers is the only person i know who has more computers than he has testicles.
apparently now we're not going to vegas, until later in the year at least. which is ok by me as i wanted to go when prasad, keith, johnny, billy, and gorman (or at least two of the four) could go.
i don't think there's anything prettier than a dying cigarette laying in a bed of snow.
you know i'm 100% american. born and raised, and lived. and like most american things, i have fallen apart over the years. my advice, whenever you can, by imports.
i wrote a guitar lick the other day that reminds me of something sonic youth would have written. kurt would be proud.
i was watching the surreal life 2 tonite. i don't typically watch these types of shows, but this show was pretty funny. mini me had this altercation with china, who is a major man-beast-bitch. mini me then got wasted and was riding around in his little scooter naked. he went into a corner in their shared house and while still sitting on the scooter, began pissing in the corner. yeah i'm definitely going to watch the next episode.
probably not though.
why is it that whenever someone says they are surfing the net or looking up something online, the other person always automatically makes a comment about looking up porn? i just made such a comment. i am just like everybody else. that reminds me of the best pumpkins song: muzzle.
"i fear that i am ordinary just like everyone... for every thing i've every said and every thing i've ever done is gone, and dead. as all things must surely have to end. and great loves must surely have to fall. i fear that i am made for this world."
i need a weapon
now i like quiznos. in fact i even had it today for lunch. but i have to say, i've lost all respect for them after just witnessing their new commercial. it features baby bob.
now if you're not a complete loser, you had to re-read that last sentence about baby bob. you were probably wondering, who the fuck is baby bob. but if you were paying attention about a year or year and a half ago, you would have remembered a short-lived sitcom based on the premise of a talking baby: baby bob.
who were the ad wizards that came up with this one?
and i want to know if quiznos had to pay the creators of this shite series any sort of money to use this stupid tlaking baby.
how about this for a premise of a primetime sitcom: you have a bunch if idiots sitting around the family room watching their lives waste away as they concede to watching terrible programming when they should have been doing something more productive like masterbating.
another cool complaint i have to make is about how i got this letter today in the mail, and i was so excited because the handwriting on the envelope looked like it came from a girl. (i'm thinking in my mind, maybe it's a rare letter from a girl that i used to be friends with but had lost touch. i know stupid-wishful thinking).
turns out it's a generic thank you letter from tuffy's. they wanted to thank me for my business (as you may recall i went in last week to get my wipers fixed).
great.
swirling stream of what is and what was
i think i'm creative enough to be a writer for a television series (i know sitcoms suck!). but unfortunately, i'm not even adventurous enough to leave a job with a decent 401k package.
hey this isn't alternative rock, this is college rock!
i decided tonite that i have a ton of guitar riffs and songs that were inspired by people and events. however i have difficulty in general writing lyrics to them. on the otherhand, i don't really have difficulty writing lytics or poems. what i need is for billy to hum or whistle or start a melody and then i can steal it or in other words, use it as a stepping stone to start off.
i am not sure that paragraph made any sense to anyone except myself.
i don't think enough people are reading these postings. but i thought about it and they are definitely more for myself than for anyone else. at the very least, i use them to write down all the various thoughts constantly invading my brain. they ruin.
and of the people who even do read, almost none leave comments.
well comment on this: i just trimmed my nipple hair. seriously. i didn't shave it or anything "wierd" hahahahahah. no, i just trimmed a couple of rouge hairs who didn't know their place and tried to explore outside the designated region.
emily got into a car accident today. abby got into one last week. so did that girl who passed away. i told billy today that accident's always happen in threes. but i only listed the emily and the abby accidents. i had forgotten about the big one. sorry. things like that really suck don't they? and the sad thing is, these types of things happen so much more often than we ever realize, just usually not with people we know or love. crap fuck.
it was 11pm a little bit ago. both seinfeld and the simpsons were on. but instead, without hesitation, i flipped to family guy. can you blame me? i'm not sure when my tastes changed.
i still love seinfeld, but i think that the simpsons are a part of my past. i feel nostalgic happiness thinking back at episodes. but i don't really care THAT much to watch any, new or old, anymore. i've just moved on.
i guess that's symbolic of how i feel about the girl's in my life.
except this one.
when i find out what went wrong
i am writing this posting from nic's house so it may have to be brief as i am in the way of the foosball table. also it's kind of wierd writing with people over my shoulder.
we went out to the wab tonite for dinner. it's half off mondays. i had a great roast beef sandwich. i would recommend the ice water, as well.
paul was talking to billy about how guys just want to spend all their liquid assets on toys, or at least that's what he does. he was saying that he needs to have his own (electronic) toys to play with and doesn't care what jen wants. not that he doesn't care, but he thinks she needs to have her own. like they can't share. similarly this girl from work named carrie was saying how she got an ipod for x-mas because she was sharing one with her finance (i think the dingo ate your baby) but then they realized they could no longer share. they both needed to have their own.
anyway, my comment was similar. i agreed saying, "i need to have my own orgasm. if the girl wants to have one of her own, that's fabulous. but i need my own and i'm not sharing."
blah, it was funnier in the moment.
and the wab doesn't have any urinals in the mens' room which i think is so bizarre. it's just awkward to have to piss on a toilet seat.
and that reminded me and billy of that time freshman year when i lived in the dorms and someone in my hall puked in one of the urinals, and the cleaner refused to clean up the vomit-piss so she let it rot for a whole month.
and i was thinking after dinner, i've always been the type of guy that you either love or hate. i mean a lot of people really enjoy/love my company. a lot of other people find me annoying. i think less people think i'm annoying these days but there are still many. anyway, i was thinking how i wish girls either loved me or wanted to fuck my brains out. under those circumstances, i really wouldn't be picky.
is "cellar door" the most beautiful combination of words ever? i was seriously thinking about it and i cannot come up with anything better. two words. try it.
sleep around the clock
there was a conscious decision made on my part when i turned 19 to concentrate on guitar and not on working out. now i managed to be able to do both through the end of college. however since then, the working out part has not been working out.
i am typing this taking breaks to do some sit ups. after all, i have to lose some of the fat. it helps too that my friends are now calling me fatty phil.
also they are just teasing. and i'm not taking it seriously, although i would ideally like to get into "better" shape, whatever that means.
the problem with working out though is it really consumes so much time. it does. it's not that i don't have time to kill. i could probably devote an hour most days to working out. but i like doing other things, such as sitting with good company doing absolutely diddily poo. but i think for most men, including myself to some extent, it is safe to say that the reason behind wanting to work out on a regular basis is to look good for women. now once you have a woman, that's when things generally start going down hill and the workouts cease.
now i have no such woman, but i can just anticipate not devoting any time anymore should i be so lucky to get another. it's not that i don't want to maintain my bod for my woman. it's just that rather then spending an hour working out each day, i'd rather spend an hour having sex each day. or nite, i'm not really picky.
so i guess i'm just keeping it real yo.
some people have told me in the past that they are jealous of my ability to play guitar. i ask them why. they always respond that they are sure the ability to play guitar helps guys get chicks.
WHERE DID YOU LEARN SUCH A LIE?
err wrong. playing the guitar has never helped me. i have met some girls in the past various years. some of them told me they play guitar as well when i mention i play. they have all lied. they don't play. they know the g-c-d chord progression and that's it. or they have a guitar and do not play. either way, they are lying when they say they play. and even these girls don't care THAT much that i can play. they much rather me be hot. or i guess if i'm in a good-spirited, highly confident mood (which i'm not at this particular moment), they would much rather me be hotter.
don't get me wrong. being able to play the guitar has definitely helped some guys get girls. for instance, bon jovi sucks big time. but he can play and can sing and ends up getting sucked, big time.
or john mayer. girls love john mayer. to tell you the truth, his music sucks (okay it is bearable). but either way, he's a great guitarist. and girls love him.
anyway so the lesson is: ability to play guitar helps if you're a rich good looking rock star. otherwise, it gets you nothing except fat because you traded in your muscles for calaces on the tips of your fingers, which by the way, is not such the turn on.
also, the kind of music i end up writing isn't typically a love song of any sort. they are mostly depressing glimpses into the various tragedies and failures of my existance.
i did try and write some love songs before. but the truth of the matter is, they were all inspired and written for girls that no longer matter. that statement isn't exactly true, just mostly true.
i gave some girls some poetry i had written for them before. they liked it. but the poetry never helped the relationship in any way. i think the girl(s) would have preferred a nice bottle of wine or a purse.
but i will continue to play as it is the constant love that i've had over the years.
and maybe i am wrong and will find some girl who is blown away by the fact that i am a guitarist. and maybe everything else will click. who knows. stranger things have happened to me recently.
has anyone else noticed these postings are really starting to get longer and longer?
shampoo suicide
"little eyes they open but they don't see very far
you can only hurt the ones you love and not the ones you're thinking of"
this posting is just a reminder to myself that i want to write a song about a girl who is bi-lingual... bi-lingual in the sense that she speaks two different languages: one with her words and one with her actions/body language.
i also want to write a song about the movie annie hall.
there's only so much that myself or billy could write about as our lives are not that interesting or significant even. so maybe we need to start writing about other people's lives, even those in movies.
a man like me
i'm going to start using quotes at the beginning of my blog postings whenever i actually do steal a thought from a television program or from a song. the reason is that billy has said that he likes some of my ideas or thoughts. but recently, very recently, i've begun thinking and jotting down ideas that are poetic. maybe you've noticed. probably not.
for example, this is how it'll work:
disappoint burrows deeper with every beat and every breath.
"please don't look at me. i'm in such a mess. i will beat your love out of chest."
the prior was a new thought by me. well, i think it's poetic. the second is stolen from someone (reindeer section).
the second is a line that constantly runs through my head whenever i have any interest in a girl and it doesn't work out. any interest means from a school-boy crush to love of my life. so i've been thinking about that line a little lately.
the truth is now i'm disappointed. people just have to understand the wine tastes sweeter when you are beginning a new relationship. it's just the excitement of new possibilities. and then when it doesn't work out for whatever reason, it's a world of doubt. suddenly, you no longer even want wine.
so i'm sort of bummed out but just from my mind's inevitable initial reaction. she said that she thought we could happily date for 3 years but ultimately believed i would break up and want to date other girls. she did not believe she would be the last.
i didn't even think of it that way. but she's right. not because i don't think things could have worked out for us in the end. but i have had a feeling that has taken hold of my subconscious. it's like that semi-annoying scene from my beloved movie Bananas where the woman tells woody over and over again and much to his dismay, "something's missing."
the first date went so well. i don't know how or why, but it just did. the second date, i felt really nervous about. i could tell i wasn't being myself. i just felt so cautious about it all. i don't know. i don't think i date well. i think i'm just so used to the casual environment of being friends and then moving on from there. actually come to think of it, moving from friends to more-than-friends is incredibly awkward as well. so i guess i just suck at these relationships. at least from the initial. maybe that's why i always come down so intensely or head-strong as i want a commitment of some sort so that i can be at ease? i don't know, overthinking again huh.
i'm already breaking my fucking new years resolution by dwelling on the past. but in this case, i cannot help it.
something was missing and what i thought after the second date was that i was doing things i wanted. and although i wasn't feeling myself, feeling awkward and out of context, i still was having a good time. the problem was, i wasn't with the person i wanted to be at that moment. and you know who that is. and i wonder if that'll always be a factor in my mind or heart or soul. the existance of girl #1 is not fair to girl #2 - infinity. and why is there not an infinity numeral digit on this damn keyboard, inbetween the 4 and 5?
i recorded a version of "yellow ledbetter" yesterday afternoon when all these thoughts were coming through. as a sidenote, it was wierd i was thinking all about this even before i talked to the girl who told me we should not date anymore because of a couple of factors. and when she told me, i still tried to work things out or fight her comments. but i couldn't really because they were true. she knew it, and i had secretly been trying to not acknowledge it in my mind. i find i can't easily trick myself because my mind overthinks everything. so where could i hide reality from myself. give me some coordinates.
anyway, moving on... so i recorded "yellow ledbetter" and it was a special recording of this overwhelming feeling of sadness for girl #1. i don't know. i just have a feeling i fucked things up with her forever. i mean, even if i ever did get to see her down the line, years and years from now, who's to say it'll work. but i'm even thinking who's to say we'll even meet up again at that time because she might not even want to due to me fucking things up. and not that i'd wait around, but what if i just happen to be single... i know, i'm sounding way too much like myself. and if you didn't know i always think this way, then here's a clue.
i don't know if i'll ever feel this way again / i don't know if i'll ever see you again
and so i'm back to square one with everything.
i'm glad i went out with this girl a couple of times. i've learned quite a bit about dating as i've never dated before. or maybe i have and it's just my interpretation of dating that i've ultimately jaded.
i think that no matter what she says, a guy should always order popcorn when going out on a movie-date. this just shows the girl you're willing to put in some loot to her overall happiness. even if she doesn't really want any, she'll end up eating some. plus it's the thought.
i learned a lot of other things too. and like i wrote on an earlier blog, at some point in time recently, i've become that guy who gives out flowers. jane said she thinks i've always been that guy. but i don't really think so. i think i've always been the guy to give out advice, meaning i've always been the supporting character in a girl's love life. i am or was the cuddle bitch. this guy who met me for the first time in person and watched my interactions at a party totally pointed it out to me. and he didn't know me. but he could just tell i was a cuddle bitch. and part of the problem is that i didn't date before and didn't go after girls i didn't already have friendship status with. and part of that is i am not so bold. but i think that's all going to change or is changing rather.
and i was thinking how i need to hang out more with joe because he seems to hang out in the types of bars and spots where i could meet more girls that are of the character i am interested in: "alternative". because as it is, i still meet no one. and i love just chilling at chamber's house, but we do that way too often considering how young we all are. and i meet no one through my friends. EVER. but i'm tired of asking my friends to look out for me or set me up. because first, they rarely do. and second, whenever they come up with anyone, they typically aren't what i'm really looking for. so i really do need to just do this on my own, through hanging out more often with people like joe.
and i guess i'll see if i can get over girl #1. i mean, i have always felt this way about her since the moment i met her almost 3 years ago now. and i got over her i guess, through meeting someone else that was incredible (at the time). or maybe she wasn't incredible but just made me feel that way. yeah. so i take that back. i guess i got over girl #1 through being entertained by a girl that made me feel great (until...).
i don't know but this particular posting is so long and so against where i want my thoughts to be. but they are my thoughts and this me.
untitled
am i too young by design?
is my mind too far behind?
is my maturity a sign?
that the timing is not right?
yet if we had only met,
three years more or less,
down the road of what ifs,
things could have been different.
love song #3
missed chance,
so sad,
isn't it true the best opportunity you'll ever have,
is lost among,
the grains of sand,
why were you so afraid i'll never understand.
only once,
never again,
missed.
a lot for an 11 year old to chew on
well last nite was a bust. well it definitely had moments of greatness but in the end, it was just a complete clusterfuck.
we were at chambers for dief's going away. dief got wasted and apparently vommited later when he returned from the bar (i was sleeping by that point).
that's not the drama.
i won't mention the drama exactly, but i have to say that i saw this coming for a long time. the situation was/is just volatile. i wonder how everything turned out.
i have been feeling like i've got the ability to read people pretty well lately. and not in the environment of poker because i'm still not really that good at poker. i just mean in social situations. i just like people watching and knowing what they are all thinking. and i think i'm usually right.
i came up with the thought, maybe the ability to read people is what telepathy really is. or the closest thing at least.
who knows.
moving on... here's another thought: the biggest letdown in my life came from someone who owed me nothing. and i was letdown twice.
purple pants with blue socks
so i just thought of a great line to a song that billy and i will never finish:
"the wind's blowing like my life."
let's leave it like that. how could we possibly top that line with other words? maybe that can be the beginning to our "migraine" song, or however you fucking spell it.
i saw some commericial today for toilet paper where these cartoon bears were in the forest. there was a mommy bear and a baby girl bear, taking shits. seriously. and then the mommy bear gives her daughter or lover or whatever some toilet paper to wipe her ass with. and then they stand up and dance around the forest wiping their asses. i swear this is a real commericial. i couldn't even make this up if i wanted.
i had such a strange dream last nite. i dreamt that i was watching godfather (pt.1) but the scenes were not the real scenes. instead, there were these 4 unknown characters who were running around this playground beating the shit out of all these kids. this goes on for some time until finally the cops come and the 4 dudes run their separate ways. this one guy ends up jumping fences and running through a field and climbing up this mountainside or something until he gets to this giant house. he then sneaks into the house through the garage and is just looking around, not even really attempting to steal anything but just looking. then out comes this freakishly giant man who somehow lives in this giant house on his own. really not sure how he can afford that kind of rent. the giant beats the shit out of the other guy and forces him to be his house slave, beating him constantly. seriously wierd. and the giant won't let him leave. the giant even rapes the other dude. now rape is always bad, especially when it's by a giant. could you imagine? finally, the guy escapes and goes back to the playground and meets up with his other 3 buddies. and then the movie cuts to the real godfather (pt1) scene where that guy gets his hand stabbed down to the bar top and is strangled to death from behind. then i woke up.
now what the hell does this dream mean? it was so wierd. i don't really care to analyze this one. feel free to tell me how this dream means i'm gay or something... gay.
i had dinner tonite with duck and his parents. they are crazy. i can just tell duck enjoys being with his parents like i enjoy mine.
bingo.
baby i'm in love with you
that's it that's the law. that's the hole in the wall.
this yo la tengo album rocks out.
i'm currently working from home as i had to leave work at 11:30am today to drive to a repair shop. my windshield wipers stopped working, which is great on a stormy day like today.
driving back on the freeway without wipers made me realize what it's going to be like driving with cataracts. i was out of my mind with anxiety that i'd crash into someone else, or worse, spontaneously combust.
i just did a round of sit-ups between reading emails. 48, 49, 50!
courtney kept making fun of me at work this morning for being so grumpy about my wipers. thanks for the support!
back to work.
careful don't give away too much too soon
i heard today at work that this girl who went to my highschool but was 3 grades lower passed away early this morning around 3am in a car accident, right by my house. apparently she was in a car with some guy who was drunk driving and the weather was bad... car flipped a couple times. driver is in critical condition now.
i want to just say that she and he are so stupid and deserve what they got, but that's just my initial reaction. the secondary reaction is that this doesn't happen as often as it probably should. i know a lot of people who drive when they are really fucked up. hey i've done it myself as well. nothing to be proud of, but it's a fact.
i don't know what i would do if one of my closest passed away at an early age. i really can't even comprehend. i've had two friends from highschool die when they were like 20 and 22 respectively. and they weren't even THAT close to me when they passed away. and it just sucked so badly.
and i'm not the kind of person who believes in heaven or hell. i believe in nothing. but when i say that, i don't mean that i don't believe in anything. rather, i believe that when one dies, they just cease to exist as a living being or entity or whatever. there's no passing go. there's no go to jail. there's no rematch. i'll say it again, i believe in nothing.
but i was also thinking this morning before i heard of this news how if i had to believe in any religion, i guess i'd have to make modifications of budhism and say that i believe in deja vu. because i have a feeling that the universe started with that big bang and is expanding but will eventually reach it's "peak" and then collapse upon itself. i believe that time has something to do with the universe expansion and that when the universe if condensing, time will be "backwards" to some extent or another. i haven't really thought through totally what the "backwards" part means.
but when the universe is finally recollapsed into a super-dense point or ball or whatever the hell, i think the big bang will reoccur and everything that ever happened will start all over again.
i'm not sure who was the first person to come up with this theory. however i know i thought about this way back when i was in middle school, about the same time i lost the faith that had been taught to me. i also know that in highschool, i read slaughterhouse V/the children's crusade for the first time and that theory appears in the book. and i was stunned because i thought it was such a ridiculous thought that no one else could have or had thought of before.
and i don't care that i'm not the first to think of it. i care more that it could be true.
and that's why i have to say i believe in deja vu. because i feel i experience it so often and almost look for it now a days (like how i look for people who are left-handed). but i think it really happens and that i'm living the same life over and over again. and each time i fuck up and have some sort of regret for not doing something or not saying something, or for having done something or having said something... i have this regret and it is so powerful because i've always had this regret and can never fix what is broken. and each time it happens again, which is ultimately, an infinate amount of time as the universe expands and condenses all through the "time" that it creates/represents... each time it happens, it gets worse.
or technically, it never gets worse as everything is always exactly the same as the time before and the time following.
deep shit huh?
this is a sort of deterministic (is this even a word?) thought. and so i guess all our lives are pre-determined. this doesn't mean that what we do is meaningless or our lives for that matter. it's not because although it keeps happening exactly the same, we never know the outcome or the future. we always forget. yet we sort of remember and have this internal aching feeling that we've been there done that: deja vu.
and then the question of worm holes comes into play. again with the donnie darko! if you haven't seen that movie, you need to. then you'd understand. i know this contradicts all that i just said, but in the movie, he ends up changing the universe by going back in time. but the point is, at the end of the movie, everyone that was or would have been affected by his existance feels this overwhelming and strange feeling like they know things are different now than what things were supposed to have been.
i live my life with regret but re-thinking this plus knowing what is healthy for myself and everyone around me... i will try to not live that way. this is my news resolution, which is destined to be broken, just like it was broken last time and will be broken next time.
the end. fin. fuck off i say.
superstar in your own private movie i wanted just a minor part
i caught myself from making a mistake today. i have to thank the movie swingers for making me not be the normal idiot that i typically am.
billy said he likes the ideas i write in my blogs and will use some to inspire him to write lyrics. i'm glad they are good for something... for someone.
i cut my hair today with my robocut (& vaccuum cleaner). i think vaccuum is such a funny word. also i could have easily mispelled that word and that's why it is funny.
and who cares. and there's no spell check on this damn blogger.
my boss j.s. asked me today if i had a blog, as i work on the blog business for GM. well, she didn't exactly ask me directly if i had a blog. instead she suggested that i should set up a blog, so that i can write about GM advertising news and such. i wonder what she would think if she read my blog though. i think she'd think it was funny. oh, and also that i'm a wierdo.
but i'm a creep. i'm a wierdo. what the hell am i doing here. i don't belong here.
by the way billy, you already know half the words to that song. you must learn the rest and we'll cover that song as well. or we can stab thom york in the neck with a shattered boones farm bottle and cloak ourselves in his skin and be him.
i heard on the news the other day that they have the technology now to do a face transplant... like in the movie face off.
first off, face off was a pretty cool movie except it also wasn't. i guess just because it's not really my style of movie. yeah i didn't really like it that much. it was good though for being stupid.
second off, how wierd would it be to have a face transplant. of course, if i was to get one, i'd only be able to get an asian man's face transplant to match my stupid skin. but there's a lot to choose from. one-billion strong baby (minus recent deaths. sorry couldn't resist).
this 3 doors down "loser" song just came on and i'm thinking how this guy really is a loser. damn this shuffle play on my winamp.
but isn't it the greatest thing when you're listening to your massive playlist on shuffle and the one song you want to hear played out of 2000 randomly comes on? it's almost as great as finding a cheapass shirt at kohl's and then finding out at the register that there's an additional 20% off for no reason whatsoever.
no this mazzy star song "blue flower" is playing and it's great like me. i love hope sandoval's voice (plus she is hot). but i've always suspected that she's a lesbian plus she's like 40 now plus why would she want a middle-class chum from the burbs of troy? plus i heart eddie vedder.
this girl i went out with yesterday told me that eddie vedder is hot. i was so happy to hear that. i guess there's still hope for me to experience a three-some in my life.
i'm going to start a new posting for a new thought now.
i almost believed i was dead.
there'll be no more waiting.
i saw Life Aquatic tonite. it was good. it was what i expected... not as good as royal or rush but hey how could it have been? i need to watch it again.
missy once was talking about how she had all these lovely memories of smoking cigs and drinking coffee in the middle of the nite with good company in a shitty diner. that sounds like heaven.
i've had many of those moments too, but isn't it wierd that they all happen accidently and not nearly often enough?
i always say it's not where you are it's who you're with. i find myself wondering a lot where people are and whom there with and why i even care. sometimes i don't really care, but i just want to know. sometimes i care so much that i want to smash my guitar.
i think there's something very romantic about standing outside with a beautiful girl in light snow. but the moment if so brief because it's cold.
i was thinking tonite how wierd things are with me these days. i don't really even get myself or what i'm doing. it's all new ground to me. i feel like i'm a million miles from the person i was just moments ago, weeks ago. it's not necessarily a good thing or bad. but so much changes when important people in your life make decisions that lead to significant reprecussions. and i don't know what to say or do to try and make everything perfect.
this girl i went out with tonite hit it dead on. she told me that my thoughts come too rapidly for me to express in words. if it were up to me, i would either stop thinking or talking.
this is partially why i no longer write poetry meant for songs. why should/would i ruin the music i write and complicate them with words that lack the meaning i want. and it has nothing to do with trying to make melodies or rhyme schemes because i think i can do that pretty well. and it's not because i don't have things to say. i guess it's just tiring to write my thoughts and feelings down when most of the time i'm trying to avoid having these thoughts and feelings again.
and they are not all negative. but even the good... well, why not enjoy the good while i can instead of trying to scratch down perfect moments onto loose leaf with a bic?
i like kate mayer's away message. it reads: "you make a pretty fine memory".
i would modify it to "you make a pretty fine corpse".
i wonder if you were referring to me and i want to ask but i feel like you want me to ask. and you think/know i will. but you are dead wrong.
elliott smith has a great line that is "everything reminds me of her." i was thinking how this great song called blonde on blonde reminds me of a shitty girl. are you that shitty girl? i doubt you were ever read this anyway to wonder.
elliott smith also has another great line that is "you're just somebody that i used to know." that doesn't refer to memories or to indifference. i think it refers to this nostalgic feeling one gets with certain people under certain circumstances. but it's not memory because it's this inner glow or warmth. and you can't put your finger on it. it's not love either or bitterness for that matter. instead, i think it's confusion.
i think i'm confused.
and since when did i become that guy who gives flowers to girls? i don't do it to be nice. but i find that the things i tell girls about how beautiful or great or how i like them don't stack up for what they should mean. it's like the words are lost in translation. but for some reason, girls melt when they get flowers. they don't get what i have to say, they just get that i spent some meaningless money for no/some reason to give them something that mirrors a thought.
and i think i'll continue to do those types of traditional "courtship" acts because i am just terrible with words... yet it's so funny to me that when i say something half-heartedly mean or especially if i mean it to be hurtful, girls die. i have this mysterious power to make girls feel like shit.
so why are my words not nearly as powerful the other way around?
i have a million thoughts running through my head and i could write forever but it's late and i should try to get into bed, only so that i can toss and turn for an hour. i haven't been sleeping well again lately... just something's not right with something. yet i can't really complain and i will not.
about a boy who's just like me.
i think this year will be different... to be determined for better or worse. i know most people say this year will be different and better but i really believe this to be true as i just see it in all the people around me. i think it's a filtering year. 2004 definitely was as well but was just a start. it just feels like i can see through the bullshit that is life. i can now see and make the proper decisions to help enhance my life. or something. just a thought.
everybody just wants to be free
i went to verizon today as my 2-year service plans officially ends on jan. 7th, in the year 2005 of our lord. i need to get a new phone, which i can basically trade in for free, although they then hit you/ME with a $50 phone bundle kit fee. whatever. at least now my caller ID will work.
so i went there but didn't actually get a phone as they were out of the LG phone i wanted to get. so i'll have to purchase it later. now the question then comes to mind when i activate the phone whether or not i should switch my phone number from the current 734 area code to a 248 number.
the obvious con of switching is that i have to tell everyone that i actually want to give my new number to my new cell. and even though there aren't THAT many people, i still would like to have the ability of those once-every-3-month-friends to have my phone number as well. you all know and have those types of friends. there's nothing at all wrong with them either, but just know they exist and where you and they stand. keep it real yo.
the obvious pro of switching is that i live in a 248 area code. so why have a 734 one when it just makes it necessary to enter 248 numbers with that pre-fix-number or whatever. i hate entering info into my phone.
the not so obvious con is that if i switch, my mom will not have to use a calling card to call me, which translates to my mom calling me often and driving me crazy. as it is, she doesn't have a long distance phone plan for her house line and doesn't own a cell. so in order to call me, she has to use a calling card just to remind me that i have to do some stupid obvious task.
so i guess i will not be getting a new number. just thinking about the consequence makes my dick limp.
oh yeah uofm sucked last nite as predicted.
i want some garlic bread!
we'll have to give up our chimney sweep job eh?
it's saturday nite, 2005 and i'm currently watching the rose bowl. my school is up hurray if i cared but i don't.
i just back into town this afternoon from upnorth and boy are my arms tired.
upnorth was fun as always although my body is punishing me now for all the abuse i had inappropriately delivered over the course of 4 days and 4 nites. i didn't really wear a watch and i didn't really stay sober for any significant amount of time while up there so the days really blend together. luckily, i took about 120 pics and also took about 20 videos. i'll have to look them over when i get the inspiration or if someone pays me $20 to post online on my gmail account.
i decided today i mistakenly did not make my gmail account the following address:
hotmail@gmail.com
oh well next time.
i am pretty hungry right now but we stopped at the ROSA this afternoon before heading south back to troy. i really was not feeling well or hungry so i didn't get to eat nearly as much as i wanted to nor eat nearly as much as i paid for. billy and goldbond purchased ROSA t-shirts for $10 a piece. i wish i had gotten in on that deal.
tomorrow is sunday and the day after that is monday, or what i like to call, "monday".
i will have to work, but it really shouldn't be too bad, as a new person starts on monday and should be taking over some of the duties i've been assigned to for the past 6 months. mybestfriend court says that he's a cool guy.
fuck i think uofm is about to lose now. blah. we'll see.
