curbdrop out of grace: March 2005

well shite. goodnite man.

if you're so special, why aren't you dead.

you know, i think there's some misconception on my disfunction.

most people don't understand it's not always raining in my head. rather, it's always raining outside (there are some spots where the clouds don't form). and so, it's always raining but i just don't have the kid in me anymore to just run around in wet clothes. i don't enjoy it. and my brain is a sponge. so all the rain water coming down gets absorbed into my head.

and then what happens? well a sponge naturally will reach a point of saturation where it will no longer hold anymore. so then all the new water trying to find a home gets bounced back out, out my mouth and out my body as nervous/awkward sweat, and the such.

drinking alcohol and doing drugs help. why? well your body gets dehydrated so it can use up more of the gutter water in my head. and i'm temporarily not-full.

and what do other people do? well they brain's aren't as spongey. they might have some thompson's water seal or an unbrella. me, i just keep getting soaked and rarely dry off... only to soon be soaked again.

and here's the thing too. every now and then, i find my way to a clear patch and am able to stay safe and dry for awhile. but the clouds always find me.

all thought of all of this while i was shitting. i think of some of my best thoughts with my pants down at my ankles.

abnormal size

thanks maer.

wind down calm down windows down go down

i'm so tired. my left eye can't even stand to be open so i'm typing like a bad/cheap pirate imitation. i will sleep well tonite so bright.

i'm worth my weight in goldfish. i just wish you thought goldfish were worth something.

someday eventually

does it hurt you to leave,
each step farther from me,
does it pain you to see,
the longing piling up to the sky?
but you've got more to see,
eyes full of curiosity,
twenty-two and counting,
when will you plant roots by my side?

as autumn paints the leaves,
each fall tired of gravity,
as sand's washed into the sea,
empty glasses raised up to the sky.
someday eventually,
settle for a different scene,
hurts less as a distant memory,
than to punch in to be by your side.

don't know what to do,
how much can i do,
there was never a choice.

hanging from a guitar string

the longing,
for sleep,
it's been now,
one hundred thirty-two weeks,
not belonging,
for keeps,
this feeling,
is a sign my heart is weak.

the empty moments between the times,
that i get to see you eye to eye,
makes me sigh,
makes me sigh.

the memory,
my defeat,
pain killers,
the salvation that i seek,
neurotic,
thoughts creep,
devour,
or is it love consuming me?

the empty moments between the times,
that i get to see you eye to eye,
makes me sigh,
makes me sigh.
the empty moments until the time,
that i get to hold you,
i,
want to cry,
makes me cry.

i miss your ways,
i miss your face.

trevor jones: the kiss

this song reminds me of __.

the viola starts off with all complexity, dancing back and forth unsure but stuck in the same pattern. it's trying to break free but is in a groove.

then the undertone melody sneaks in underneith and begins to cry a lovely call. the cello builds this harmony with the viola.

slow
slow
soon
slow
now

the violin comes in. one long extended note then another then another. slow movement up the scale. and then the melody, the chorus, the love, flows out like a bleeding heart of longful desire. it shines out crooning, and then retreats quickly with the dancing viola still uncertain.

every piece comes together as one. i see myself as the viola.

sidenote, i played viola and played this song before.

from the mountains

i dress my matress in long vertical stripes, to create the illusion that my bed is longer than it really is so it looks less wide and less empty.

i still haven't read any of Sex Lies and Cocoa puffs, although i've been meaning to. i wish i had brought it on the trip to vegas so i could put a dent into it while waiting on the plane rides. the reason i bought the book isn't because andy said i should. rather, she suggested so i looked it up and i opened to a random page, reading an excerpt. the paragraph said something about how guys make girls mixed cds because they are trying to get with them in some plane of existance or another. usually x axis, as it is horizontal BABY.

and that made me laugh. i read it to yount who was shopping with me. she laughed too. it's true. i've never made a cd for a girl that i didn't like. i've done it for, hmmm maybe 6 girls or more? i mean, i've given mixed cds to many more than that, but normally, i'll have made a cd for myself of songs i like that want to share, but then just make copies and distribute. but it's different when i purposely make cds for girls. and there's not at all always a hidden message about the song selection. sometimes there is. but if it's for a girl i like, how could i really find 15-17 songs that are all lovely and about her lovliness? i mean i could if i really try so hard. but so much of what i listen to isn't of that sort and it's actually better or more realistic or representive when i play a bunch of moody, chill, depressing shite songs and then throw in some love songs that are meant for the girl because that's how i see it as being.

how can you look at me like that and then ask?

i made some career moves tonite. and they know i'm good. and i know i'm good. maybe in a year then?

i had a burrito tonite. two mexican dishes in two days. look out cheech.

i think of love like playing poker.

it takes a lot of balls to play the field. and you have to be willing to lose a good stake to win a bigger one. if you're playing 10 people, your odds are probably worse than 10 to 1. if you lose, it hurts. it sucks and you can't get over the loss of however much you put on the table. if you win, you come out the big winner. who's the big winner? mikey.

and it takes time. you can't just beat people left and right so easily so quickly. and if for some reason you do, it's not satisfying. you want to win the big one but earn it through the grind. you want to have won by beating someone with a sweet move that you worked on carving out for a long ass time.

and sometimes, you get setbacks. and sometimes, you're ahead when you're not really, just until the time you get cut down a bit.

and you have to know when to go all in. when to put everything on the line. you also have to know when to call it quits and know when you're beat and just step off and be willing to give up all the chips and time you put in because you cannot win that hand no matter what.

sometimes people bluff you and get you to think they have something when they don't. sometimes you bluff. sometimes you win these minor hands. sometimes you don't. the end result is a psychological boost or drop. it makes you either sure of your next move or question your next hand.

starting off with pocket rockets isn't at all the best. it looks really pretty, but then it turns out, all you needed was a 2 - 7 to pair or make a full.

sometimes you need to play junk cards and they turn out to be a great winning hand.

sometimes you get lucky and flop the winning hand on the river. other times you lose on the last card when you least expect it, against all odds.

this is a convo billy and i just had about cobain:

billy: watching him play makes me want to perform
phil: i can't perform like him though. he's a different style than me
billy: i want people to run on stage and then jump into the crowd. impossible
phil: yeah. i don't even come close to that style. he's much more raw, but controlled. i am just trying to get by
billy: he plays like himself. you have to just play like yourself
phil: that's how i am

get it?

new curbdrop covers?

i found this a while ago when i was doing work and although this sucks for my company, it is rather funny. what can you do right?

I like the haiku at the bottom too.

also, h2's remind me of troy, MI.

a lot of personal shit written in a not so personal place which is my way. sorry i'm a loser like this.

i watched the new nirvana dvd with billy just now. it was amazing. i saw things that i hadn't seen before. i was told to look at parts that i didn't know were there. it was eye-opening.

billy asked me tonite while we were at the piston's game something like, "do you think that each of us are each other's backups? do you think that you're my backup for paul cause he's in a serious relationship and isn't always available, and i'm you're backup for duck because he's in china?" i answered, "no."

this is why.

sure we have our music that we play together that no one else is part of (except joe recently and chris who's not really around much). but that's not it at all. billy, this is what happened. after i graduated and moved back to troy almost two years ago, i started hanging out with you a lot and at first, we weren't very close at all. i mean we had hung out so much in highschool and in the 4 years i was in college but really, you were a friend of johnny's and mayer's and i was as well. but a lot of things changed. i'm not exactly sure how much i've affected you but you really changed a lot in me.

here's the deal, i was at a point where i was really starting to be different and starting to see differently. i was evolving from this very hard, hateful, very unsatisfied and very depressed person. and i was still trying to change more. and you weren't really a part of that process as it started between my junior and senior year of college. anyway, i was only beginning to evolve.

(also, not that i'm still not very hard, hateful, unsatified and depressed but much much much less so).

so what happened is that you see things or do things much simplified. you're able to not care so much about immediate issues and go out and do things you want. now that's such a generic statement that could be applied to a lot of people i had previously surrounded myself with and that i currently do now as well. almost like a role model or a model to reshape myself as. i mean, i have known for a long time, i just need to chill the fuck out.

and so not saying that you don't have inner issues as well or whatnot, but you just don't necessarily show it or let it consume you as much as i did/do.

and when i'm with you, things are just more peaceful and enjoyable. i had been so fucked up for so long that i wasn't able to enjoy things anymore. but having you around enables me to do so. you compliment me in that way as a reminder.

for instance, it's refreshing to see how excited you are when we are watching stevie ray play a guitar lick. you get so into it, and then i do as well. normally or before at least, i could not just enjoy these simple pleasures. and often times now i still am overwhelmed by all the shit floating around my head that i forget to or am unable to just enjoy life.

just being able to enjoy simple shit like eating 5 whitecastles used to not be possible for me. being able to sit around and just watch stupid tv shows was pointless. being able to get feedback that some guitar riff i wrote that i think is shite and is for my own personal amusement, someone else/you dig. hearing that a poem i wrote about my old friend's suicide and making this huge, emotional mess into something... into a window that you/others can now see and understand more about me is still hard for me to understand. i mean i write a ton of shit and i say a lot and i'm always talking about bigger issues and heavier topics, but for people to actually get it and still be able to avoid the awkwardness or avoid any sort of change and instead, just sort of knowing and moving on and nodding your head is something different and needed.

there's people out there that get me. but i don't get them. and there's people out there that care and are comforting, but not in the ways i necessarily need, or else i already have too many of them not trying hard enough or trying too hard. i never need to worry about you having a million issues and me having to try and fix them or feel like i'm responsible for fixing. of course i'll help you with anything you need whether you ask or not. but you don't ask. and i don't ask. and it's just there and present and simple. and that's not anything at all to take for granted.

so no you are not at all my replacement for duck while he's gone. and when he returns, i don't anticipate anything will change between you and i. you just compliment my style in likliness in many ways and then also in ways that i need to model myself for. and you get (most of) me.

and you laugh at my jokes which other people do too. but you laugh and don't have to one-up me (although with some people that's okay with too, sometimes).

sorry this sounds faggoty/faggidy (that's an inside joke not to billy though).

also cammie, you're right about the message you left me, but it doesn't matter at this point in time SO much to change what will happen. i'm not sure what will happen to be honest anymore. but i sort of feel it's out of my control as so much is. so now, i'm just going to enjoy things that make me happy and she makes me happy so i'll take it.

sunrise monkeys will fly

i got a fucking civil infraction today for turning left at a no-turn-left intersection, or something. i guess it was my fault. i didn't even notice as we were just talking and driving.

FUCK.

i'm going to go outside and play guitar for hours before going to the piston's game.

i forgot to give you your crayon. it's blue-grey.

on pause

i watch you,
while you're sleeping,
i wonder what are you dreaming,
you look so graceful so beautiful.
i could study,
you for hours,
like looking around in a field of wild flowers,
you look so peaceful so beautiful.

i hold my breath,
as you're breathing in,
i hold my breath.

i watch you,
while you're sleeping,
my memory will forever be keeping,
this image of you will be kept on pause.
i wonder,
as you're turning,
was it something i did or you're dreaming,
i would never want to be the cause.

i hold my breath,
as you're breathing in,
i hold my breath.

i wake up,
from my dreaming,
in my arms just an empty feeling,
i wish you would have been able to stay.

i hold my breath,
i hold my breath.

sorry dude i'm a man

i was thinking about how i've only ever told two girls that i loved them but the first few times i said it to the second i didn't really mean it at first because i had meant to say it to a third, other girl. and so i didn't really mean it when i first told katie but she had already told me, which isn't any reason by any measure. but i told her for awhile, i didn't feel that way yet. then i remember one day i was napped in her arms and i woke up. and in half sleep, i told her. and she was so happy. and it had definitely slipped out because i didn't really, yet. and so then i had to continue for awhile even though it was a lie. (thankfully?) soon enough though, i did mean it. at least to the point that i didn't feel bad saying it.

i think this is the way most people after they've been in a relationship for some time, say it. they almost do it out of convienence or from habit.

anyway, i didn't mean it for a long time as the third really did a number.

i wanted to remember how the moon looked this very evening.

moon3

moon4

this is very happy phil... and maybe more... and many more.

since the first

i think of you and your beautiful face,
more often than i think of anything else,
my thoughts no longer wander to fantasies,
that will never be,
and never need to be.

i miss you more than you know,
although you know i do and always have,
and the feeling,
is never fleeting,
only beating,
with ever pulse.

i've loved you since the first moment,
you smiled at my stupid awkwardness,
caught in the act of inappropriate bliss,
for having the luck to look into your eyes.

i missed you when you were gone,
as i've missed you all along,
for you were always what i needed,
since the day i was created.

your beauty is deeper than the ocean,
that once stood inbetween,
and your glow melts the cold/snow,
that covers the winter you will leave,
your humor runs dry like mine,
unappreciated except by like minds,
you are absolutely stunning,
stunning.

and when i think of gental waves,
when i think of golden days,
when i think of harvest moons,
when i think of floating tunes,
and especially when i think of you,
i am happy,
and what more could i possibly ever ask for,
but to be happy.

"shut out what they say cause your friends are fucked up anyway"

i have a couple of things to say based on talking to someone just now and reading some of her posts:

on easter as on x-mas as on anything to do with a holiday but especially those religious ones, i feel a sense of emptiness. i feel i don't belong because my family never celebrates these things in the manner traditional families do. now easter and x-mas are even worse because at least on halloween, i can still and will still dress up and go to some party. but on e and x, i don't go to church and i don't do any of that other family shit (except giving/recieving presents) on x. i just feel leftout in a sense.

right now i know my parents and brother are at church. meanwhile i'm sitting here waiting for them to return (well sitting at my place not theirs).

i just heard my housemate cough after walking into the bathroom that i just shat in. i just punk'd his ass.

i was thinking about it when something bad happens or especially if someone dies, and people want to comfort you and give their sincere condolaces (sp?). anyway, often times, people take in these condolaces in a fantastically poor manner. and this is not at all the first time i've thought this. anyway, someone will say, "i'm sorry for your loss." then the loser will say, "it's okay."

i hate it's okay. it's okay is not truthful. it's not okay. not now, and possibly not ever. you respond in that way as a reflex but think about it, it's not okay. and if it was, then you didn't care enough. just say "thank you." or better yet, don't say anything. your body language will do all the meaningful talking for you anyway.

finally, i was thinking about the only pets i've ever had. i had this goldfish when i was like 5 or something and my brother had another although it had just died like the week before. and my mom, in the morning before school, was trying to clean out the small fishbowl over the kitchen sink. except she accidently let the fish out as well. and she fell into the waste disposal. and my mom was too afraid of losing her fingers to reach in. and my dad was already at work. so she said for me to reach in myself but being a kid, why would i reach into the "monster" when i was told never to do so and also when my own mom is afraid to. and so we decided to wait until my dad got home to try and save her. when dad got back it was too late.

and that is the first time i can remember my mom disappointing me. but not only that, that is the first time i realized my mom was weak and that she didn't have her head on straight.

we never got another pet after that. and i didn't want one because i could just envision the failure of the first two simple fish as a sign of worse things to come. these days i want a cat but my housemate is allergic. i want a gray female housecat.

donnie you're out of your element

who wants to be my B.F.U.T.? please watch the movie big albert to understand that reference. actually don't watch the movie as it is terrible.

you know when you sleep for such an extended period of time (even if it's not all in a row) and when you wake up and you have this drowsy headache because you slept through the optimal period of sleep time? yeah i have that.

vegas was fun. i won enough money to cover all my food/hotel/drink expenses so i basically paid for my plane tic only. we will have (some) pictures soon. i am exhausted though still. also i have this big pimple on top of my breast bone.

i hate traveling on planes for extended periods of time. we spent most of weds and most of sat just traveling. that is just tiring and a bit of a waste in my mind. well considering we had two days of traveling and two days of being at the actual place. although i don't think my body could survive another.

the only breasts i saw the entire time were in my dreams.

i don't think anyone should be allowed to use their cell phone this morning just incase someone forgot to turn if off through service... just for courteous sake. chambers was telling us how her younger sister taylor (who's like 11 or something) was just told that there is no easter bunny. she still thinks there's a santa clause though. so i said, well when i was her age, not only did i know that santa clause wasn't real, but i knew jesus was made up too.

no one laughed at that one, but one person did tell me i'm going to hell.

this just in, phil is going to hell (now).

mrs. robinson style

she said she's getting married. she said it's going to be grand. i told her i wasn't going to stand it. i'd boycott. so she tried to hurt me by saying i'd be her bridesmaid.

as if.

and then she told me not to die on my way to vegas.

hey if god or allah or eddie vedder decides to send my plane down into the ground, then so be it. why does it matter anyway? i don't mean it like everything is ending so let's be depressed. i actually don't know what i mean, but let's just keep it at that.

now i'm going to send her a picture of me in a dress. i can't be your bridesmaid. i'd show you up at your own wedding. plus remember, i'm boycotting.

i'm off to vegas. no more postings for next few days. in the meantime, keep your unit on you.

working on your day off is like jerking off when you're a pirate with a hook for a hand

i went to the bank today to close the account. my standard federal is located in sommerset mall, which i hate. i used to work there in highschool at the candy store. i worked for 2 years. i made it to assistant manager. we used to steal from the register and my friend used to sell drugs out of the store. back in the day eh?

and the pay was shit so we justified the imbezzlement although looking back, it was pretty bad and wrong. but hey i got so many cds out of it. plus i used to not care at all. i quit eventually because i was sure i was about to get busted.

anyway, point is i hate the mall. i went there and instantly saw all these "trophy" wives that were hanging out at the salon. i hate them. i also saw a bunch of fucking women who need jobs just walking around the mall for exercise. i mean it's ok for the elderly to do that as they're old and dying, but god women GET JOBS. or give jobs to your hubby's nob.

i hate them. i hate the mall. sorry this is starting off so angry and petty.

when i was at standard federal, i got to talking to shanna and shannon who used to work with billy when billy used to work at standard federal. i never actually met shannon who is older. shanna is younger than me and has a baby boy. how cool is that?

and so shanna had gone to the mitch hedberg show a few months back with billy, chris and i. she's a nice girl. again with the kid though.

and anyway, she was on the other side of the bank, but apparently when i was chatting away with shannon, shanna, heard my voice and came over. she had seen me walk in and noticed me but didn't recognize me. maybe because i wasn't holding a beer or a smoke?

so apparently she recognized me by my voice. i was suprised. she goes, "you just really have a distinct voice." i asked, "why, is it because i'm monotone?"

but i like the fact she said i have a distinct voice, although i don't know if that's really good or bad. here are some people with distinct voices:

1. gilbert godfred
2. eddie vedder
3. rosanne barr
4. paul chambers with a pube stuck in his throat

i don't want to talk anymore.

winded but not dead

i have my sigur ros wind down music on. it's late, but i don't have to work tomorrow. vegas baby. hey jealousy.

so, the reason why the party was so great and that billy and i seriously need to go to these sort of functions more often is (dig this):

i went to two parties last saturday. party 1 was held by a coworker whom i like and filled with many coworkers that i like (15%) and dislike (10%) and am indifferent to (75%). yeah fuckers, count on your fingers i did the math right.

and anyway, the party was great in the sense it's a house party and i know so many people there. i dragged johnny with me to a place he didn't know anyone besides myself really. i think he had a good time as he drank his fare share of beer that we paid for (fucking michigan state style rules of having to purchase cups). but i left him to fend for his own for some time and when i found him again, he said some girls that were cute and single totally digged him.

johnny man, we should have stayed at that party a little longer just so you could talk to those girls a little longer.

party 2 was held by joe's ex-housemate, matt, who is a good guy. he, along with basically everyone at the party, likes a lot of good indie rock music. i used to play poker with matt quite a bit. anyway, it was his housewarming party. oh party 1 was also a housewarming party. moving on, so the people at the second party, although i didn't know almost any of them, were super friendly and chill. not that the first party didn't have friendly people as well, but it was different.

this is how the people are different (i will describe in multiple ways).

1. party people 1 were nice, but boring but friendly vs. party people 2 were nice, interesting and friendly
part of this statement has to take into account you natually assume interesting people are less friendly because many times, interesting people are very complicated and deep with emotional/mental crap and the works. yes this is really an assumption, but i think most people sort of subconsciously believe this.

2. party people 1 don't smoke vs party people 2 smoke. now when i say this, we'll just stick with the legal definitions. but even with that limitation, i think 3 out of 50 people at party 1 smoke cigs. and i think everyone at party 2 smoke.

now i'm not saying i'm promoting cigarettes, but really, it takes a different type of person to smoke. not saying all people who smoke are great or have good reasons or stories that have led them "astray" but it really is a different mentality.

and don't even get me started about the illegal definition.

3. people at party 1 are predictable vs. people at party 2 are spontaneous. this sort of goes with the intersting part mentioned in exhibit 1. but it's different because i am taking out the factor of friendliness. people at party 1 stood around and watched ncaa basketball. in quoting cheeves "NCAA brackets are really for people who own more than 6 baseball caps."

do you understand?

people at party 2, well although i didn't get a great picture at all of what transpired, but we were sitting around drinking when little ceasar's man (pizza pizza/terradactyl terradactyl) busted in the door. it was awesome.

4. girls. party 1 contained undatable girls (for someone like me) whereas party 2 had unlimited potential. again, we should have stayed at that party longer to talk to girls longer. make no mistake my friends. whenever i go out, whether to work, to a bar, to my friends' house to chill or party, to the grocery store, or to the graveyard, i am HOPING the day is my lucky day and i will meet a girl and hit it off from the get go. it's happened before. maybe it'll happen again?

this especially holds true for parties. especially for house parties. i mean, this is it. i'm NOT going to meet a girl at the bar. not that there aren't quality ones out there, but not at the bars i'm going to. plus my best qualities just don't shine in bars. how am i to compete. so house parties are it. and if i have to choose to go to one or another, girls become really a huge factor, if not number one.

this is johnny and billy at this party we went to last sat (where i was wearing the radiohead shirt). they are in the corner probably playing paper rock scissors as to who gets kool kate. the party was fun. we need to go to more of these sort of functions where people are more like us. see above post for details ^

kurt cobain

Penny Royal

Strip down bear soul,
On top of power chords,
The boredom you know,
Knocks the audience out cold,
More punk and less roll,
Rapid fire control,
The stardom they choose,
Was just part of the show.

In time,
Your lines,
Deeper meanings defined,
And the lie,
You believed,
Wasn't worth suicide.

Alone on the stage,
Free bird in a cage,
Though your sensitivity shined,
You hid it with rage,
You grew weary each day,
Hearing all of them say,
You would have traded away,
For the quiet you ached.

In time,
Your lines,
You believed was your crime,
And the fine,
You assigned,
Shouldn’t have been suicide.

When the shit hit the fan,
We all remembered again,
That you're only a man,
Who in time couldn't stand.

All the people who won’t,
I’m so glad that they don’t,
All the people who won’t,
I’m so glad that they don’t.

In time,
Your lines,
You believed was your crime,
And the fine,
You assigned,
Shouldn’t have been suicide.

detroit, after my long FUCKING detour, i drove the scenic route. super bowl ready maybe.

driving inbetween ohio and detroit. mudhens hat on dash reflection in window.

shirt i wore out last sat to two parties trying to attract the right girl

best shot i got :(

let me shake

i like my own thoughts too much to just waste TOO much time reading other people's thoughts, whether it be online, in a book, or engraved in a bathroom stall.

all nite home

i'd say typically, you can tell how much someone likes you (friend ladder and/or relationship ladder) based on how long it takes her to call you back after you've called and left a message. note it apparently doesn't count if you don't leave a message unless the girl really likes you. if the girl really likes you, she'll have been excited that you called and will call you back having your call be an excuse. if she doesn't really like you but only mildly to not at all likes you, then she will tell you next time you talk, "well you didn't leave a message so i didn't think it was anything important."

you're right, it's not important. a guy took the effort to pick up the phone and press like 4 buttons to call your girly ass even though he could have been:

1. masterbating
2. playing video games
3. drinking/smoking/shooting/suffocating
4. hanging out with guys
5. done anything else ever besides call a girl and dedicate at least 40 minutes of blocked off time

so if she calls you back shortly, she likes you. if she calls you back the next day (especially if your call was on a weekend), then she likes you enough but not to the point she WANTED to see your face that nite. rather, she was probably trying to fuck some pretty buck.

and if she doesn't call you but waits for you to call her again, then give up.

the reason this is all true is this, almost every girl ever loves talking, even on the phone, even to boring guys... wait especially boring guys. so if you're not getting calls back from a girl who clearly always wants to talk, then she has some other dude she'd rather talk to. or she's really close to her mom or sister and really sucks so who wants her anyway?

(ddl) saint mary, sparklehorse

we've all done this before.

you're bored. you're really fucking bored. you call someone, and they don't answer or are busy. so then you try another, and still same thing. finally, as you sit there in front of the tv or with the radio on, both just background noise, you pick up your cell, go to the address book, and scroll.

down

down

down

down

end

up

up

up

start

and then finally you realize you have an address book full of people that you want to talk to but you really don't either. and you can't decide who to call, but you need to talk to somone because you're bored out of your mind. keep in mind you don't really have anything to say. so any conversation you would have would be forced.

this posting was inspired by my mate.

Loren

She went away on a holiday,
She leaves every weekend,
She says she needs to get away,
She says she’s visiting a friend,
I asked her for her girl friend’s name,
And she said John.

I called her a couple of times,
I hate hearing her voicemail beep,
I wonder if I’m on her mind,
Why doesn’t she call me,
We’ve been together for six months now,
We’re still going strong.

We never fight like couples do,
We always just work things out,
I think that she loves me too,
But now I’m starting to have my doubts,
Shouldn’t she miss me automatically,
What the fuck’s going on?

When she got back into town,
I asked to go for a walk,
My heart wanted to hang around,
But my instincts brought up “the talk”,
I asked what had been weighing on my mind,
What I knew all along,
She said that she thought everything was fine,
But we knew she was wrong,
I asked if we should give it more time,
But a line had been drawn,
I looked into her eyes and let out a sigh,
As all my hopes moved on,
I closed both my heart and my eyes,
And then she was gone.

never comes

i was waiting in the kitchen just now for my lunch to finish heating. and these two girls (one married and one in a serious relationship and has a kid with a separate man) asked me if i was seeing anyone.

of course i said no as i looked sheepishly to the ground. actually i didn't either sheepishly or to the ground. i don't know why i described it like that.

there's nothing wrong with being single. i told them, no i'm not dating anyone because i can't find anyone dateable nor am i really THAT dateable.

they said that i must be picky. and i agreed.

here is how i see it.

the majority of the people in the world are idiots because they really settle way too quickly without really (over) thinking as i have about what really matters, what one really needs, how one really acts/reacts/etc to others and circumstances and etc. priorities really aren't straight or are clouded by momentary lapses of reason. i also have these lapses.

anyway, most people in the states seem to be miller lite or bud lite drinkers. they like what the common person likes. cheap and in large quantities. they don't care about the taste. sure it's less filling perhaps than a heartier beer. it's what they grew up with and so over the years, they just sort of took it as their default. it just happened. they didn't resist.

and then there are some of us who really are picky. we want to drink a filling beer. we don't need to drink as many because we're not drinking to get stupid. we're drinking to enjoy the taste and the buzz. and yeah it's more expensive and heavier. and yes it's hard sometimes as one wants a real beer while they are surrounded or at least it seems they are surrounded by people who are all into american cheap ass shite beer.

this was a stupid thought. control. alt. delete.

my number 1 concern of the day

you know, i am definitely not the type of guy to ever cheat. but if i even thought about it and had say a mistress, i know it just wouldn't work out. not that i don't think i could be sneaky about it because i could. but really, i couldn't afford a mistress. i can barely afford a girlfriend as it currently stands.

i'd need to get a second job just to afford my second woman. i mean, do you know how expensive even the cheapest of hotels are these days? even with AAA discounts.

and the presents and the flowers that come with the false promises that "baby, i'm telling you i'm going to leave my wife for you, just this isn't a good time."

every little girl gets him down

i always for get how to spell "mispelling" or is it "misspelling"?

i think it's the former but i could be wrong. and i really am that lazy that i won't spell check that crap.

this girl just had an argument with me at work. i told her, "you must have accidently...". she denied it. i said, "well then how can you explain how you just send out (literally) a 300mb+ email. you must have accidently attached the wrong file. the file could not have jump spontaneously exploded in size."

(after all we're not talking about the male sex organ here).

and she continued to argue with me for about 3 minutes despite the fact i wasn't even really arguing back. i was very calm and cool. but doesn't that kind of shit just bug you? it's OKAY what happened. it's OKAY and nothing we can't fix easily. just say you're wrong before i kill you.

i've got some hairs long enough on my head that i can actually pull them and tear them into two normal size hairs.

dorothy camille: this random left me a comment on my blog. i went to her profile and she's from tennesee, which instantly reminds me of box, which instantly reminds me of cumstain.
dorothy camille: thats the moment i fell in love with fillshe

box, d.c. is from tenn. the first time i spoke to her, i thought she was your fuck. turned out to be goat's dream girl as she play halo2.

Autumn Leaves

Tiptoeing around it,
Everytime I see your face,
Not with my voice,
Maybe my guitar,
It’s much softer anyway.

A single note and then silence,
A hum and then the melody fades,
Just like my voice,
With every moment,
Drifting further away.

The thing that inspires,
The fire that burns everyone,
But when it’s gone,
You miss you wish,
The feeling would come.
And all I require,
If for someone as sweet as the scene,
Of autumn leaves,
Falling gently,
Into a sea of green.

Wishing I could do justice,
And write a song like Eight Line Poem,
Weeping guitar,
Bitter sweet emotion,
The addicting feeling I know.

Drying up in words now,
As tears dampen my face,
Like every morning,
Time again for the chorus,
Reminding what doesn’t change.

The one that inspires,
The fire that burns everyone,
But when she's gone,
You miss you wish,
To just hold the one.
And all I require,
If for something as sweet as the scene,
Of autumn leaves,
Falling gently,
As you stand next to me.

Tiptoeing around it,
Everytime I see your face,
Not with my voice,
Maybe my guitar,
It’s much softer anyway.

getting further away

If you told me you love me,
I would wait forever,
If you told me you didn’t,
I would know that you love me,
But you don’t tell me these things,
Rather we don’t talk much anymore.

When I lay in bed awake at nite,
I look up at the darkness on the ceiling,
I’m wondering if you’re doing the same thing,
Or if you’re fast asleep curled around his arms.

I wonder if in another life you’d be my wife,
Or maybe at least I wouldn’t have met you,
As each sun sets,
All my regrets,
Appear in the sky,
Little stars from a far,
But close to my heart.

When I run,
I think of you,
When I drive,
I think of you,
When I hold my guitar,
I imagine you,
When I think of the ocean,
I smile,
And I think of you.

I’m silly to think,
Stupid to dream,
Foolish to hope,
I’m me.

It’s getting late,
I’d better go,
I can’t wait,
Here anymore,

Sleepy days,
Sleepless nites,
Worried thoughts that run wild,
A dreamless winter,
Hunger for slumber,
Just more problems I compile,
I wonder what you’re doing,
I think about what you did,
It’s so fucked up,
Fucked up,
I don’t believe you did it.

My body’s numb,
As my mind aches,
Like the distraction of lights,
I lose my focus,
It’s ridiculous,
And no I am not all right,
I wonder if you’re crying,
I hope you feel worse,
It’s so fucked up,
Fucked up,
How long can I hurt?

I keep waiting for someone,
To come running through the door,
Laughing loudly holding stomach,
Saying I don’t have to take this anymore,
It was for all of your amusement,
It was all part of the show,
I know deep down there is something,
I know this has to be a joke.

I keep waiting for that moment to come,
As I’m waiting for this feeling to go.

thought1
a fever to make feelings pass,
you know you're moving much too fast,
you're running away from the past,
forgetting what you once had,
you're falling for every guy,
do you know that it'll never last,
if you didn't want to hear this then why did you ask?

thought2
she tells me i'm like a brother,
now you're just like all the others,
i don't need to have another,
friend.

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say?

Suicide

73%

Posion

53%

Eaten

47%

Bomb

33%

Gunshot

27%

Dissapear

27%

Disease

27%

Stabbed

20%

Cut Throat

20%

Accident

13%

Drowning

13%

Electric Chair

7%

Suffocated

7%

How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com

so this website gives you your bitch prison nickname

phil shih = cock sucker
philip shih = cum guzzler
fillshe = whore
burt reynolds = shit eater
burt reynolds19 = turd tapper

another one thanks katie!

the words that you spoke,
i want you to know,
i've realized,
they were all lies,
you thought you'd get away with,
but didn't think you'd contradict,
but you did,
you did,
when you did,
with him,
you said those words so eagerly,
but you didn't reserve them just for me,
and i now doubt when you told me that you love,
that i the only one you were thinking of,
now a year removed,
so many memories bruised,
the good ones confused,
with the dark ones that you,
gave me on that day,
a gift forced to take,
although i didn't choose i gave too,
the innocent part of my soul to you,
and now what's missing,
more than before,
what i'm wishing,
is an ending,
i don't want to feel this anymore.

i can't stand to be with me

a number of thoughts:

thought 1
i was just talking to a girl (who i will not reveal the name) who was telling me that some dude she was starting to see came over one day wasted on a sunday nite and gave the girl flowers, but the dude hadn't been home from the nite before and smelled of stale bar and looked like morning-after-crap. this guy also had apparently been at hooters as he was wearing one of the hooters waitress' nametags on his sweater. so this guy is a duche.

he then proceeded also to just go into the girl's room while she was in the bathroom and stripped down to his boxers, expecting.

and the point isn't the fact that the girl is no longer interested in the duche or that he didn't get any. rather, the point is, this guy's an idiot, but man does he have balls. he has the balls to try and create that sexual situation with a girl. he forces it. i personally suck and am at the other end of the spectrum where i won't even try to kiss a girl unless i'm confident that she wants it. usually it requires her to send me signals like setting a flare off in her hoo-ha region.

thought 2
so i saw this girl i used to be very good friends with but haven't been in a long time walking her dog today. and we just drifted apart, although some of it was accidental, some of it was intentional. and i was thinking about her a bit recently. i was actually pretty bummed out on one of the days last week and i was just thinking about things including this girl. and a part of me thinks it was my doing that we drifted apart as i did want it in some respect. but i'm wondering how much of it was her wanting to drift away from me. i want to talk to her and ask her just to understand these things. these type of things really interest me.

thought 3
we had band practice today and it was fun as usual. jimmy, billy's cousin is great at the drums. however i feel he gets bored or gets tired or something. i'm not sure. i know i still lack so much confidence while playing in front of people, even if it's just my own band. i feel jimmy and chris (our other drummer) are like this too. i don't think billy is, which is great. that's kind of why he's the leader of our band and definitely the motivator to give our band some sort of direction.

i also wish i didn't fuck up so much while playing, but i do all the time. i think i'm really uncomfortable playing on my electric guitar. my elect is so much sweeter than my acoustic/elect guitar, but i love my acoustic. i write most everything on it. i think i would rather just play acoustic all the time. but i need to figure out how to set up my pick-ups on my acoustic guitar not to have all this negative feedback while playing as the acoustic is more delicate and prone to negative feedback from the amp.

i also really need to get a new amp.

oh and jimmy really liked some of the guitar riffs i was playing that he hadn't heard before. hearing him say that he likes them really makes me happy. it's not that i don't think they are good, but, well let me put it this way. so much of the lyrics and the guitar songs i write are for me. it's like weezer's song "in the garage" (ddl) where he sings "i've got my electric guitar. i play my stupid songs. i write those stupid words and i love every one, waiting there for me."

these songs are for me for fun and relaxation and to get shit out. and i love playing, but it's even better when other people enjoy them as well. it just suprises me a bit each and every time.

thought 4
we're going to vegas this weds. it seems so close now. i am not sure how everything will turn out, only in the sense that this past weekend, i did a lot of toxins that have made my body really tired. so i'm sure that will also be the case in vegas as i'm confident it will get really crazy. it should be a blast, but at this moment with my exhausted body, i am a little afraid.

good news is i only have to work monday and tuesday this week and i'll also have next monday off. damn you chambers, we should have stayed in vegas an extra day.

thought 5
i had more thoughts but forgot them temporarily as i started talking to someone online. oh well. i tend to lose them for days or weeks and then re-remember them. oh well we'll see.

thought 4

a poem for a girl i used to know

love at first sight/nothing in hindsight

sitting by the window,
looking across white lawns,
thinking about the plans we made,
thinking how the dream is gone,
seems like two lives ago,
we had planned to leave this town,
but some things changed with time,
now i'm stuck here bumming around.

once we wanted to trade,
our blue hearts for blue skies,
maybe the next time i'll see you again,
will be in a better scene by the ocean.

we were so much less different,
six years when we first met,
we both lost god but found each other,
but whatever we had i now forget,
i used to believe you were the one,
despite how much you disagreed,
but now i know i was too young to know,
and you are so far from the girl of my dreams.

once we wanted to trade,
our blue hearts for blue skies,
maybe the next time i'll see you again,
will be in a better scene by the ocean.

i think of all that's happened,
between you and i,
i wonder if you're still confused,
i wonder how you stay alive,
i think of all that's happened,
between you and i,
i wonder if you're still smiling,
while you're dying on the inside.

once we wanted to trade,
our blue hearts for blue skies,
maybe the next time i'll see you again,
will be in a better scene by the ocean.

some interesting search results when doing google searches on certain people's AIM names:

tips on kissing and beastality wow

perfume?

paid advertisement for golden shower pics?

asian porn piglets?

al queda what

my fingers pulled a golden string clinging tight to my hooded sweatshirt,
the last remains of a life i once shared with a girl who was untrue,
i looked deep into the strand as it reminded me of forgotten times,
long ago when i was young and i was in love with you.

i thought i had washed clean the slate of my former life,
i didn't expect to find any remnants of my broken past,
and when i think of all the hurt and heartbreak you represent,
the wound reopens as i smile awkwardly and force a laugh.

i need an enima done on my lungs

a bunch of shitty rhetorical questions

do you have a good time,
or do you let it all drag you down,
is it mental or chemical i don't know.

what would you do,
if you had the power to control your life,
maybe you do you just have to try it.

do you wake up choking on the dreams in your mind,
or do you wake up smiling,
to the sunshine creeping through the cracks in the clouds?

do you live day to day,
or do you look ahead and behind,
don't waste the moment thinking of what could have beens.

does she make you smile,
or does she make it harder for you,
you know she's out there but try to forget about her.

do you wake up choking on the dreams in your mind,
or do you wake up smiling,
to the sunshine creeping through the cracks in the clouds?

closing eyes

phil: "when girls are annoyed by guys that just keep talking and talking, do they just make out with the guy to just shut them up?"

missy: "if they are hot, maybe. hot and annoying"

phil: "i hate that answer damn you"

missy: "of course you do. girls aren't supposed to like guys that are hot and annoying"

all my guy friends who read this just got mad too.

cnn's on channel 3

i never sent that letter to missy. i had meant to. it is complete. it's nothing big but i did it and took effort to do so, so i should just send it. but i don't have any stamps. i need to just remember to get some from the rents this afternoon. soon.

i'll send it soon.

and where is honduras anyway? for some reason, i just naturally associate honduras with piston honda. what a sweet game.

the girl of my dreams

and then the girl combo-killed my friend and i,
by going for the guy,
with the prettiest face,
and the dullest eyes.

forced out of bed again

back at my parent's for some homecooking after managing to not see them for about 5 straight days.

upon walking in, i decided to monitor how long it would take for my parents to yell at each other. it was 40 seconds.

great.

i was talking to johnny today how i totally respect ex-couples who get divorced.

i am wearing this sweet radiohead t-shirt that i haven't worn in honestly, 3 years or so. i got it when ok computer came out. i'll be wearing it tonite. i'll post a picture of it later. to be honest, i don't know why i haven't worn it in a long time. it's been too long.

i bought this pedro the lion cd while in toledo. it's sweet. this song by them though was really making me sad. it was a song about a guy who discovers his girl is cheating on him. the song is so good. i'll have to remember to look what the title is and tell people to download.

and then i was thinking about pearl jam's song "faithful" (ddl) which is a good song. at least i like it a lot. anyway, i don't really even know what faithful is directly about but it's not about partners being faithful with their partner. but still, the name = the thought and that's how my brain works.

really that is how my brain works. it's a so called six degrees of separation deal, chain effect.

behold:

chain, mail, late, past midnite, drive through, chicken nuggets, fish stick power hour, dehorn's, food, beer, bars, smoke, cigarettes, light, fire, heat, miami, sound machine, hispanics, dancing, club, esctasy, water, stupid government commercials, advertising, money, job, blow.

so that's how my brain works. it's so wierd. and that's why i get so distracted and lose the original point i was trying to make because i'll go off skew on something unrelated yet related in my mind due to some connection and presto, the conversation has turned for the worse.

cool things happened today

so driving back from toledo (oh), i found myself in traffic. and it was sweet, it took about an hour to move a mile. and in the end, i found out that the on ramp i had been waiting and working to get to was completely blocked off, due to some major fucking accident. so i waited for nothing. the detour i took sucked too and was made up. and if you know me, i have terrible directional skills so that was a challenge.

our conversations never ran as dry as the wittered leaves in my bag,
no matter how simple our nites it was always the best time i had,
all the randomness i threw at you you always caught,
i love the way you smiled when lost my train of thought.

our conversations never ran too long like michigan winter,
i could have continued for days if we didn't have to consider slumber,
all the philosophical theories i explained you got,
and whenever we disagreed we politely fought.

we always talked about all the things that we thought,
we talked about everything,
except there was always something,
that i wanted to tell you,
but i didn't.

fun facts for fuckfaces

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The first couple to be shown in bed
together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Every day more money is printed for
Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Men can read smaller print than women
can; women can hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The State with the highest percentage of
people who walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The percentage of Africa that is
wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The cost of raising a medium-size dog to
the age of eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The average number of people airborne
over the US any given hour: 61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The first novel ever written on a
typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The San Francisco Cable cars are the only
mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Each king in a deck of playing cards
represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~If a statue in the park of a person on a
horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the
horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of
wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground,
the person died of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Only two people signed the Declaration of
Indenpendence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of
the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5
years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Q. Half of all Americans live within 50
miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how
far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire
escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Q. What is the only food that doesn't
spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Q. Which day are there more collect calls
than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month ...
which we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
"Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Many years ago in England, pub
frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to
get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
GOD BLESS AMERICA

maybe some bad mayo. it was runny.

(ddl) letdown, by radiohead.

i love the guitar work in this song. about 2 years ago, i tried to play this song. but it was so random and without a drummer or anything else, it just seemed to sound off. but it's such a great song. it was by far my favorite off ok computer for a long long time.

but (ddl) no suprises is so good. (ddl) electioneering is rockin. (ddl) exit music (for a film) is great. exit music was in the ending credits of william shakespeare's romeo and juliet. but the song was retracted come soundtrack time. (ddl) lucky is great too. "kill me sara, kill me again with love. it's going to be a glorious day."

(ddl) karma police is good, but i fear overrated. the video is interesting.

i noticed this girl i work with has these terrible bad habits of always playing with her hair when she's nervous, and she's always nervous around me (i think she's afraid to make me mad or disappoint me... she's only been working here for like 3 weeks or a bit more and already asked me one day if i hated her and asked what she did to make me mad at her.)

mwwwhahaha.

also isn't that funny though that her playing with her hair drives me absolutely crazy in the sense that i'm so annoyed, NOT turned on. she also says the word "true" a lot, like when i tell her something she didn't know or direct her in the way she should handle things, she says, "true." it's so annoying.

and it's little things like that that drive me crazy and let me know i could never even be good friends with a person like that. sorry, i know this really is MY fault as i'm just being so petty and childish but i just can't help noticing and getting more enraged each time these things happen.

but thinking about it, it's these little things that piss the fuck out of me but with people i like or love, it's these little things that you sort of look past and the little things that make you like or love someone. isn't it wierd how attraction/repulsion works?

it reminds me of this movie i love and have been making people watch, called wet hot american summer. at one point in time in the movie, this guy is telling a girl why he loves her. he lists positive things like, "i love they way you laugh, and i love the way your hair smells." but he also lists negative things, but in a postive way saying, "and i don't care that you're bull-legged, and i don't care that you're bi-lingual." and that's how a sign that you're in love. when you don't care about little petty things that normally would bug you to death.

i don't feel like working on fridays.

i was talking to a coworker last nite at the bar, about some indie rock bands. he in particular was talking about built to spill, which i have one or two of their cds buried somewhere, but probably haven't listened to them seriously in 5 or so years?

and for some reason, i always associate built to spill with quasi. and just so you know i love quasi. and quasi used to be elliott smith's back-up touring band, in case you cared.

i also associate built to spill with the sebadoh, who i also really like. and lou barlow of the sebadoh used to be the bassist in dinosaur jr., with lead guitarist/vocalist being j. mascis. i love dinosaur jr., despite mayer making fun of their name.

also lou barlow is the man behind the folk implosion, and also the deluxe folk implosion. folk implosion is best/only known for their one hit wonder, natural one, which was featured in the movie: kids.

dinosaur jr. used to open for nirvana. sonic youth used to open for nirvana. i remember there was this one concert billboard i once saw from the early early 90's that had red hot chili peppers, pearl jam, and nirvana all playing together on the same nite, in some random small ass venue.

yeah i don't feel like working on fridays.

holy shit, i just had to modify this post as i completely forgot what i was supposed to talk about. so we were talking about indie rock and i remember he said he never got too into pavement. i love pavement (am listening to them now). (ddl) here, by pavement. so anyway, they are a completely different style of music. songs aren't beautiful but can be. they're very intellectually focused. a lot of different sounding chord progressions. whatever. i love them. they are great. or they were great.

gone fishing for something more

it snowed again this morning. this is the worst. this is my least favorite time of the year. i'm so impatient as it is, but now we've been in battle with bitch-winter for months now that the feeling of hopelessness is turning closer and closer into a belief rather than a feeling.

and it drags on and on and on.

life moves by so fast when one is trying to just get through. i think this is the scenario for most people.

i mean, no wonder it seems like the years flew by when half the year i am waiting impatiently for the other half of the year to come. same thing with regards to the weekend. typically, i cannot wait for the weekend. and so i black out the weekday activities that i have to do that drag on and on.

then one day you wake up and a year's past and you say to yourself, how the hell did this happen? and your muscles ache a little more and your memory is a little more shot. and you look back and say, why didn't i enjoy that moment at the time?

so enjoy it. just enjoy it. and that my friend, is the shittiest advice anyone can ever "just" tell you. fuck them and fuck that it's not that simple.

this is shite. i don't need a quiz i need a valium

You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.
Unipolar Depression

shamrocks are a sham

i must have smoked enough cigarettes to kill the lull and kill the vain pain for awhile tonite. but when the smoke cleared, i was looking at the room alone and bewildered by what was taking place. and i hate.

apparently google's blogger finally recognized my blog as being "adult content" which means it's firewalled by some companies' networks. so i'm sorry for those of you bored at work that look at my blog because you may no longer be able to. fucking sorry.

it's so "funny" to me when you're talking to a girl and things seem right and then some duche bag hot fuck buck enters the convo and then my wit cannot match this other guy's looks. my wit never wins. and when it does, i don't even know what to do next.

i definitely fucked up tonite, not that things are fucked up forever, but i choose poorly.

but again, i choose because i was forced into a corner and told what i could and could not do based on what some other fuckeroo was doing. god damn it.

i am sorry billy if i offended you or made you mad or upset this afternoon.

no green beer for me tonite but don't worry, there was plenty of brown beer. i drank enough to hold me over until vegas.

and i cannot wait to get the FUCK out of this FUCKING place. i'm so sick right now that it's making me want to throw chairs across rooms and fly planes into buildings. i am really just letdown entirely.

my senses are down,
because you let me down,
and by not making a sound,
i didn't show you how i found,
a new way to take in,
all the heart breakin',
by being quiet in the corner,
i will silently morn ya'.

it kills,
it ills,
to see you,
deceived by looks,
i thought you were different,
but you're like all the girls,
i thought you wanted something,
more than vanity,
it's interesting,
and sickening,
how you fall,
for a smile,
and it is laughable,
through tears,
when your knees shake,
crumbling beneith,
i don't know what to do,
i don't know what to say,
because i don't matter,
when looks matter,
i gave you more credit,
than you deserve,
because i thought you desired substance,
but you desired a pretty fuck,
but you're like them all,
so predictable,
you always fall,
for something beautiful.

st. patty's day meltdown (take 3)

remember not to wear white pants today.

i feel like "sales" is the dark side of advertising, where people who go in just do it for the money.

i want the money. i want to do it. and i want to do it soon.

"it's been 58 hours since I last slept with you"

new symbols for everyone:

(dl) means: download this song
(ddl) means: download this song for free or else come see me and get it for free

(ddl) radiohead, "black star"

duck sent me this link. not really that interesting, but in case you were looking for something to believe in.

i'm too lazy to actually post the pic but this was sent by caro.

perfect for each other

neither of you care,
neither heart is there,
both know you're not going,
anywhere,
but for the time being,
it fun and it's free,
it's simplicity and honesty,
is comforting momentarily,
be young,
have fun,
be dumb,
and when it's done,
move on,
act like you took something,
from nothing,
act like you changed,
from nothing,
pretend this wasn't a waste,
because just in case,
your heart breaks,
your heart aches,
you need to justify,
why it wasn't a waste.

poem for a friend who is a stupid girl

watching sand,
slipping though my hand,
i don't understand,
why some of you can't,
watching helplessly,
silent lips mouthing,
as i try selflessly,
to save your heartbreaking,
your heart,
and his,
crossed fingers,
as your lips,
cast a spell,
for awhile,
all is well,
and then hell,
promised,
didn't,
playing,
but shouldn't,
crazy lazy,
making maybes,
intentions hazy,
feelings betraying,
confuse,
abuse,
used,
lose,
the shit is overdue.

this isn't the end,
but the beginning of the end,
and i won't be with you,
in the end,
because you are wrong,
you were never right,
not this time,
and it's not fine,
it's not okay,
it'll never be okay,
to act selfishly,
to act in this way,
you're not a child,
so don't act so wild,
don't be in denile,
don't fake your smile,
you're going to break his heart again my friend,
you're going to break his heart again my friend,
and in the end, which is coming near,
i fear the worst and know,
i won't be here.

police this firefight that

i think led zepplin I is the most under rated of them all.

"i've got a bird that whistles. and i have birds that sing"

another long shitty day at work today. now i have 3 for 4, for those of you keeping score.

had lunch today with google people. that was nice. got back to work and had to hustle to make the money honey. and missed out on pool as our team didn't make the playoffs and had to stay in late.

but it's comforting to know that a week from right now, i'll be on my way to an alcoholic death. leaving las vegas style (except rather than leaving, i'll be going, er being).

laying face down in some gutter maybe.

duck's vision of the new wave mp3 player that will soon overthrow ipods

This is the email from duck i got last nite:

"Hey man, im designing some new ads and a folder for our company, which does environmental equipment. So, ive been looking for random pictures online of clean water, enviro stuff and people enjoying life in general. The best I could come up with is this picture I found online. You got any suggestions man? Also, don't worry about copyright infringing, this is China"

(see picture below)

drinking water

i forgot to mention, i wrote the beginning to a new song tonite. although the music's not even complete and there definitely are no lyrics attached to it yet, i already know what i'm going to name the song, well at least the instrumental version:

in my dreams your eyes aren't blue

pop it back in and go for a ride

i want to mace this guy_

not the spray, but the clubby one with spikes.

this one reminds me of someone who went to bed at 9:40pm tonite.

oh this is like a little game, hyperlinking random letters to try and spell something short and sweet

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE

my sweet jesus

You scored as white. you are white.

white

67%

latino

33%

black

25%

asian

25%

Are you a different race than you think you are?
created with QuizFarm.com

i always fucking knew it. now treat me like i'm equal!

i could have told you that

and i bought in

this isn't it but it's close enough

dig it faster

have you ever seen that reality interview or walk thru of those siamese twins that were conjoined at the head, with one twin being much bigger than her midget sister?

well anyway, if not, you need to google and find pictures of that shit. in fact, i will do it myself.

but anyway, the story they show in the interview is pretty sad because you can't help feeling bad for them being conjoined at the head and one being a dwarf. it's more or less a normal ugly looking woman with a ininiture person connected at the temple.

point is, i was just watching comedy central and this comedian had a 20 minute routine making fun of these people. it was decently funny. he was definitely holding back. i mean if you're going to go ahead and make your living making fun of unfortunate souls, you might as well go full out. now to find that picture...

oh i remmeber the day christopher reeves died. i remember i didn't care. you know what, there are plenty of working-class heros that die every day. why would i care about the death of clark kent?

i walk in and it smells like cookies in the house

but i don't see any. shouldn't they be sitting, cooling on the kitchen counter?

goddamn if cookies or cake or pies were made, then i want my fair share as roommate.

i once read somewhere that "white light/white heat" by the velvet underground was the first punk song. i don't know if that's true, but that's good pr for vr.

some comedian with a non-funny annoying wife (saw her on last comic s.) just referenced "w.a.s.p." on tv, which i HATE.

again, if you didn't read some previous post, i don't hate white anglo saxon people, i just hate people who refer to themselves as that.

"and all i have to do is think of her"

come together might be the most overrated beatles song ever. the bass drum effect is sweeeet. and the song is good. but come on. i'll take julia any nite.

ever since i was a kid i rooted for the under dog. up until about junior year of college, george was always my favorite. the behind the scenes technician most people didn't care so much about. well not nearly enough, compared to john and paul.

there's this old story that frank sinatra, who used to cover "something" once performed the song but introducted it as, "the greatest love song ever, by paul mccartney."

that's what i'm talking about.

the curse of the fork continues

i posted something this morning straight out of bed but it didn't post. the title posted, but not the body, which is sort of the important part.

it's like dating a girl without a vagina, sort of the important part. well who knows, maybe she's got a deep deep innie.

this is what i wrote before (the jist anyway):

i had some wierd fucked up dreams last nite... only 3 i can remember though:

1. i was just walking around singing "the sound of settling" by death cab and then i woke up and from my alarm but was singing outloud, continued the song flow.

2. i dreamt missy was on vacation (she is) and i wrote her a letter (i did but didn't send) and she got it sometime. she was skiing (she isn't, she's like in south america or central am) and stopped at a coffee shop (not caribou or starfucks) and checked her mail there. she was happy about the letter, so she called me up using some video conferencing shit. she was wearing this blue tanktop.

3. i was on keith's blog and he had a sweet set up... seriously, keith and a sweet set up. and he had all these miniture pictures of his friends with links to other peoples' sites, like box, chambers, me, billy, etc. and i was just in awe of how awesome his site was.

maybe because i doubt keith could ever build such a thing or maybe because gorman's site sucks so badly it's not even up anymore. fuck you box.

that's what i had. my left shoulder feels all fucked up. normally, it's my right that is sore if any are sore, and one usually is.

i'm going to try and play guitar tonite.

on a separate note, tonite will be 3 for 3. yesterday was 2 for 2. and sunday was 1 for 1.

the nite jeff buckley died

idea for a song or pickup line:

i could watch you for hours and never change the channel.

gone again

our parking garage in detroit is about 1/3rd of a mile from our office. there's a shuttle that will transport us back and forth, but really it's only about a 5 minute walk. i typically don't take the shuttle. i save it for piss pour rainy days and when it's too cold to fuck.

but there's people, 99% of them women, who don't walk the walk no matter what it's like outside. i mean the sky could be californian blue with the sun warm enough to melt the stiffness out of one's aching muscles, but still they don't walk.

and it says a lot i think of those women.

speaking of women at work, every time there's a new girl in the company, i cannot help but think that maybe she could be a victim or maybe at least she has cute 'n cool girlfriends? but usually i'm disappointed to find out first that they have a serious boyfriend of 3 years+ and that her friends are about as cool and interesting as good charlotte. blah.

post happiness waking up

ok this fork result sucks. i saw how andrea got some drumsticks and knew it was possible to get a guitar. but i guess i'm not suitable to be described as objects i like? maybe i am a poseur?

also somehow my formatting appeared all fucked up. for some reason, my theory on how to resolve the issue is to just add a new post to fix the old fork-fucking post that is ruining the ambiance of my online whine-filled journal.

i hate this fucking thing i wanted to UHAH

You are a Fork.

You are special, unique... and shiny.... but you just don't know it. Many admire you for your outward appearance, but you haven't truly expressed all of the great stuff inside of you. You have the potential to do great things and help others, and this will help you in the future. When you hold a grudge at someone, however, this can be dangerous. Despite your calmness that most people perceive about you, you keep a lot of feelings bottled up inside that one day can make you explode and stab something. Instead of resorting to that, you can say, "Go Fork Yourself!"

Most compatible with: Knife, and Sock.

stale blue nite

i am full of sadness and love,
like the ocean on a stale blue nite,
too calm to believe,
too free to be complete,
spread thin is the ocean,
across lands unmanned,
on a starry nite reflecting light,
creeps slowly across the sand,
unveiling the mystery,
all that is me,
that is not so unique,
that is not soul serene.
i beg you to wade,
maybe up to your knees,
but don't venture too deep,
or else you will sink,
i'm colder than i look,
yet warmer when you've been,
inside for a long awhile,
you adapt to my smile,
you'll see what's beneath,
covered waters running deep,
heart worn on the sleeve,
to protect what's underneith,
the weak mind crippled,
thoughts like ripples,
just adding to the whole,
too much to handle,
i am full of sadness and love,
like the ocean on a stale blue nite,
too old to believe,
that my life is complete.
this can't be it.

this will be my crippling defeat

someone tell keith i'm not doing his damn tourney. box that means you.

i am too tired and busy this week to care about spending my usual 4 hours analyzing every fujin pick. whatever.

so instead, i just entered into 3 free ones (free because ad reps want to seduce me with fantasy sports). i have a chance to win a trip to jamica, satellite radio, etc. so fuck winning 50% of some shite pot that i'll never win anyway. (well actually i got 3rd this one time).

the reason for this is this. by the way i'm going to talk about this without ever mentioning what it is i'm talking about. try and figure it out.

ok so the reason for this is this. people don't get it and don't like it so you end up trying to hide from people who are closed minded. it's laughable, but it's also hideable and necessary to both not care and care, because you can easily be distracted.

what happens to the people who don't get it:

well they fade to gray,
for a rainy day,
when you have something to say,
but no one to listen,
so you make the move to contact,
the friend you once knew.
who when he knew,
of you and this bliss,
decided to choose,
to close his mind,
instead of open his eyes,
and he didn't try,
to see you for you,
cause he couldn't see past,
your smokey laugh,

people get exiled as secret homes are made with head's held high that others would push down into the dirt.

fighting with my mommy

you harass,
you attack,
but i fight back,
and you retract,
you unleashed the beast,
my howls and screams,
predict your defeat,
by the things i speak,
uninterrupted,
unreserved,
i let out my poison,
and oh how it burns,
i tell you all,
everything and anything,
to make you feel small,
i make you crawl,
with my claws,
with my fangs,
with my heart,
my deadened veins,
until you are a stain,
unkept remains,
do i return,
from where i came,
you picked a bad time,
you picked the wrong day,
you should have stayed inside,
you should have ran away,
now it's too late,
and i cannot wait,
i spit it all at once,
make you feel my ache,
i'm smarter than you,
you try to fight,
but i'm smarter than you,
so you can't fight like,
i do,
i cheat,
low blows,
so cheap,
and in the heat,
in your defense,
you never stood,
you had no chance,
i crippled you today,
but let you live,
the shame you now know,
is the scar that i give.

"i remixed a tape and then i remixed it again and it was back to normal."

i don't care how great of a cop that dennis leary looking mother fucker is. i don't care if you've got daredevil like powers. you're blind. i don't want a blind cop patroling my streets. what if he mis-sniffs my panties and thinks i'm some columbian whore and shoots me? what if he misses and shots a hole through the window. it's winter here. it'll be cold. there'll be a draft.

and how is he going to know who to beat? i mean, some wiggers these days sound like they're...

hold it right there.

i'm in a bad mood today. there i said it. TODAY.

i was not in such a bad mood yesterday.

difference is work today sucked. it'll continue to suck too, as i have taken work home with me. i vowed never to jerk off at work, but i almost did. i almost fucking blew all over my resignation letter today.

and today was not the worst and will not be. there's always worse. maybe tomorrow, a plane will crash into my building and i'll have to push people down that are infront of me in the stairwell to save myself.

gosh am i in a mean mood. grit grit grit teeth.

don't i sound funny right now? my thoughts are so consumed with stress.

a wintery january nite

i remember that time i was in your room and we were sitting on your bed. i was playing the guitar and you were sitting. we were both supposed to figure out what to do that nite, but i stopped trying. i didn't need to figure things out. i was doing what i wanted to do. i was sitting looking at you, playing a guitar song i wrote for you.

and you just had this look in your eye. i thought you were going to cry. i asked you what was wrong, as i so often as always assuming something is wrong when it comes... to me. and you looked over at me. you had been lost in the moment, listening, thinking about what was going on. you told me nothing was wrong, but that was a lie. i already knew before i asked. i knew for certain this time.

and i learned a lot about you that moment. a lot. i learned a lot about me too, about the effect i can have on certain people.

and i will always remember. there are two things. the day i can no longer have that effect on you, either i have completely left your head, or you have driven me out.

at least this is how i percieved/remembered it. and i could be wrong. but it's too late and too lame at the moment to force a for sure answer out. it's better this way.

you're a blues john

at some point in time, recently, i have learned to love music that doesn't contain words, with the closest thing to words as crooning.

sometimes words just really clutter the emotion that resonates from the music alone.

billy, that's why twenty-one (alone) will never have words to it, especially "unbreak my heart".

beta test google

i am on some of these damn friendship network craps. some are good in theory. some are just fucking lame. none of the ones i'm on are for dating purposes and i don't use or think of them as such. i'm fairly sure the girl i will marry isn't connected to me in any way on damn friendster, through a mutual friend. and if she were, why then "friends" haven't you introduced us yet? fuck you.

but i got this message today from one of these networks saying this girl wanted to talk to me. so just wrote back saying, "if you want to know about me, go to my blog and read some crap."

and so she did, and so now she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, which is laughable at worst. hey i didn't want to talk to you anyway. i didn't search for you, you searched for me and messaged me. and why did you, i don't know. because you probably should have known from the get go that i'm not what you're looking for, you bore.

pleased to meet you. hope you guessed my name.

i'm trying to get into some routine of blogging some last stupid message before going to bed while listening to (1) by sigor ros. i think it helps get immediate thoughts out of my head so i can fall asleep faster. and the song is both soothing and thought provoking.

curbdrop out of grace

Thursday, March 31, 2005