curbdrop out of grace: April 2005

won ton soup reminds me of the first time you faked anorgasims

i think i might have just saved my user name and password on paul's computer, which is great becvause he can pretend to b e me and fucking talk about how he is fat. because he is, fatty.

i'm eating this almond boneless chikcend.

chicken
right now which is great, becasue it's this american-pan-asian -pan peter dish right now that is just good gossard food.

i love onions but not when talking about sydney potier

if you fucking don't shute it, i will fuck you up like tuesday.

keith just said "phil clits is a saxaphonist."

rapid fire postings

i don't need suprise birthday parties. i know when my birthday is. and i can smell a rat. they smell fishy. isn't that wierd those two cliche sayings are sort of related yet why would a rat smell fishy? and isn't that the point.

anyway, yesterday i was soooooooo happy and soooooooo suprised with jen harvey brought kfc to our preparty at paul's. it was so delicious and perfect in timing. it was unexpected. that's the kind of suprises i want.

this girl at the bar that i've met a few times and now have her number, could tell that i was so gossard last nite. she said she can tell because of her experience, whatever that means. and it was sort of cool and refreshing to here she was cool about it all.

and we went to some last nite breakfast place after the bar and i had my usual biscuits and gravy. fabulous. also jen smith and i started having some conversation relating to the belief in god and such. i don't at all remember what was specifically said but it was like a debate or something and i remember her being suprised that i didn't believe. i then kept explaining and i think first of all that i'm a great debater and second, that she is not. and my points are so clear cut and precise and hard to rationalize attacks against. i don't practice them at all, but these are concrete beliefs i've developed over time that one cannot simply take a battling ram on any random bar nite and hope to knock down the walls. you're better off just not trying honey.

i remember i was so proud after our conversation (which i stopped because there was no point and it was ridiculous and we were all drunk and such). but i was proud because i knew i won that arguement cleanly. she didn't even put up a shot.

the chronicles of sex ed and dirty needles

so i was also thinking yesterday on my drive home from work that it's really rare for a guy to hold himself from having an orgasim for super long durations of time (by the way, who cummed in the water cooler?). for example, i mean it's rare a guy has enough ability to become a pornstar and last for hours or whatever. and i think that shit ain't right. i think evolution and all that darwin's theory crap can explain that it's not benefitial for the human race to have men who can take their time cumming. rather, it's better for the human race to have men who cum quickly and then have time to rest and reload and repeat cycle. damn you evolution.

blue light special on child pornography

yesterday after work while walking to the parking garage down a street always infested by homeless folk, this one guy that i see daily seemed more estranged than normal. he asked for spare change, so i gave him a dollar. i don't always donate but i also don't always walk past with eyes glued pretending like the homeless is the blacksheep of the family: disgarded.

and anyway, i gave it this time and afterwards, the guy said "oh thank you so much. god bless you." and that was so curiously interesting to me as i walked on. i thought to myself, does he really believe in god or is he just saying that because it's such a common thing to say in certain circumstances. i know if i were homeless and struggling, i'd really have to re-examine my belief in the existance of god. i know it'd be hard to convince me that god is just and such and running speed trials of my tollerance for wandering the streets and sleeping in uncertainty.

i was also wondering if donating would bring me good karma. i'd love to believe in karma, but i don't really. but i was thinking i should always donate a buck or two extra on days that i am hoping for some luck or a more pleasant outcome. last nite was great and i wonder how much the dollar donation helped.

queen of spades of the stone age

so i just cleaned up my cube, throwing away all sorts of old paperwork and throwing away about literally 40 magazines i never read. i did save about another 20 though. i still haven't had a chance to look through these keepers. there's about 16 maxims/stuff/fhms.

there's this new thing called an ipod shuffle that is so tiny. it looks like a pregnancy test. i don't have a picture of it so you'll have to google it or yahoo it.

by the way, i did that on purpose fuckers. i'm unpredictable.

mr. sandman sleeps with a body pillow

it's always so funny to see a dude walking his wife/girlfriend's tiny ass dog down the street, because you instantly feel bad for the dude as he looks ridiculous and pathetic, in a way. i mean, no matter how cute the tiny pup really is, you have to question whether to invite the guy on a neighborhood-block-guy's-nite-out-to-the-nudie-bar-then-back-to-the-sub-to-burn-a-cross-on-the-only-black-families-lawn.

i think i'm dying. so how about a bj?

it takes two to tango but only one to suicide.

i had some various wierd dreams last nite but i cannot remember exactly at this moment. i'm sure they will come to me during the drive in, while my mind wanders.

my heart still feels wierd.

humming birds never sing in the key of g

oh i nearly forgot. so today was bring your kid to work day or something. i think i already referenced that. well in the afternoon, i was duecing it up in the head and in walks in two kids and some coworker dude. i become very still and quiet. it's a reflex really. it's hard to shit when kids are around because they laugh at everything and they will tell you what your shit smells like. it smells like ewwwwwwwwwwww.

anyway, so one of the bastards tried to break into my castle: the handicapped stall. i of course, was ruling from my porcelin thrown, buffered on a sheet of toilet seat paper.

then he stopped when the guy yelled at him. one of the boys then said, "work is so boring. i don't like it here." the adult responds, "yeah, i don't like it here either. and you're right, it is boring." the kid says, "but school is boring too." adult replies, "well, looks like the rest of your life is going to be really boring huh?"

i thought it was funny.

when i snap my fingers, you will awake and forget that i just raped you and your mom

so we had our last indoor soccer game of the season. i took all this bayer tonite for my backpain (from the audioslave concert) but it's messed up my heart and i feel like i could die at any moment.

and if i die, i want "don't cry" to be played at my funeral, preferably by slash and not buckethead.

day 3 hasn't been so bad. the weekend is fast approaching though. with beer will come desire. and with desire will come the test. and i have passed the test before. yet i have also failed many a time.

if i died tonite, how many people would drop everything they were doing and come to my funeral? how many of my soldiers would pour liquor out for me? teardrops and closed caskets.

"let's be undecided. let's take our time." - yo la tengo, big day coming (ddl). also there's two versions of this song on the album, painful. both are great.

in high fidelity, cusack touches on the topic of whether he was sad and shit and that's why he likes and listens to sad music or if it is the music that has made him that way. i wonder what it is for me. dorothy camille just told me all the music i listen to "is like the soundtrack to a really depressing movie." yeah. it's the soundtrack of my life. my soundtrack is also about 3000 songs, at least.

who knows how long the final soundtrack will be. i guess it depends how long i live.

i'm not right now but i feel like i am fucked up. it's my heart murmur though or whatever the bloodclot. caroline said that bayer thins out blood.

there's a big day coming.

deep breaths

well it's nice to be breathing in this oxygen,
i feel so much better now i can breathe again,
there's no more running around,
or searching in the lost and found,
for some treasure someone else threw away,

and it's nice to be floating along with gravity,
i'm not trying to fight with what's not meant to be,
there's no more figuring out,
how to make these things work out,
when my actions don't matter anyway.

i'll take my time,
with no plans designed,
i won't hurry this time.
i'll take my time,
with no plans designed,
i won't worry anymore about it.

well it's nice to be waiting so patiently,
and not hurry things with my anxiety,
there's no more chasing dreams,
or personalizing reality,
i'm finally ready to stay awake.

and it's nice to be taking things so quietly,
and not wasting words that don't mean a thing,
there's no more meaningless words,
each one is meant to be heard,
listen closely to what i have to say.

i'll take my time,
with no plans designed,
i won't hurry this time.
i'll take my time,
with no plans designed,
i won't worry anymore about it.

all this breathing in,
all this breathing out,
i'm not worrying anymore about it.

go pawn your soul at the shop for a queen or rook

"how can i give you the answers you need, when all i possess is a melody?"

feelings are for people who are being tortured.

there are kids all over the office today. i must have missed the memo at some point in time stating that i need to be on my best behaviour. my god damn pg behavior. i'm not sure if it looks better with or without a letter U.

i cannot imagine what a kid would think after seeing their mom/sis/bro/dad/lover at work doing what we do. it's so boring. there's no coloring. there's no candy. there's rarely ever any backflipping. what would a kid have to do besides sit and stare with empty soul at the computer screen, just like i do each day. i guess it's a good idea to bring the kids in early and educate them on the type of job they never want to have.

i was thinking this morning about the scene in high fidelity, where cusack is talking at the end of the movie how he no longer wants the "fantasy" because all it ever is is a fantasy. he is mostly happy with his girl, so why should he always think about being with others and so on and so on.

i was thinking about this because i believe i need to do the opposite. i mean, i just need to not have my own fantasy of perfection and just think about all others and so on and so on.

i don't feel like getting more into it now..........

i will bite off your nips

hahha wow. i love the news. I LOVE IT! i was watching the news with my eyes closed, laying down, with blankets on top in my family's family room when a news worthy story came on.

they are taking the trans-fat out of oreos! oh no. but don't worry, the same great taste will continue to be there, just less fat. that's great for you chambers(es)!

i wish someone would take the trans-fat out of your face, YOU!

and they kept talking on and on about this. i guess it's news! well how do you eat your oreo? do you twist it apart "perfectly" with all the filling on one side? blah blah blah. blah blah blah. blah blah cum.

[news story on michael jackson trial on tv, in the background]
dad: "who is michael jackson?"
mom: "what do you mean? he's michael jackson."
dad: "oh yeah. i forgot."

that conversation was the best of the nite though as there was no arguement whatsoever. michael jackson IS michael jaskson. FACT.

my mom had me clean out some old clothes from my old closet. i opened it up and all her shit is in there. i dug around in the back throwing the shit i wanted to donate onto my old bed, which she has invaded. well i guess it is hers. anyway, i am donating some clothes that i have NEVER worn before. i actually even remember buying those articles of clothing back in highschool and wondering to myself, should i really even buy these? will i really even wear them?

and the point of the story is, i found my old Pussi Alliance shirt. i'm not taking that one home with me just yet (but don't worry i'm not donating that). i am taking home with me, however, my old bean bag chair.

phil: "i'm taking my bean bag chair back to my place."
mom: "okay. don't put it in your room though or else you won't have as much room."
phil: "thanks for the tip mom. but if i want to put it there i will, and if i want to throw it into the neighbor's yard, i'll do that too."
mom: "well i'm just saying it'll take up space."
phil: "yeah, i do understand the basic laws of physics."

i am such a smart ass, right billy?

i'm sure many have already seen this, but i stumbled upon this today while in the middle of a heated discussion on whether estelle getty was still alive. this is ridiculous.

i will throttle you with my 6 sense

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY TO YOU, "looks like someone's suffering from PMS today... har har har i'm so funny and clever and not predictable and not an idiot."

yes, great, you're right, i'm (as she put it): "p.m.s.-y" today. i'm pretty sure you can't use that non-word because it's NOT A WORD. the damn acronym cannot be modified like that. also you're an idiot.

first off, i'm sure i'm moodier than normal but that's from the non-smoking. day two baby. feel the burn.

second of all, fuck you for that comment as saying that only fuels the fire. don't you realize? who wants to be told they seem pissy and who wants to be told why? YOU DON'T KNOW. don't tell me then. you and your nostradamus like guesses.

third, don't judge my moodiness based on an instant messenger conversation. OH THAT'S RIGHT. she judged it based on that. she said something like "oh you're jamming over there" referring to me with my headphones on. i told her, "yes." she goes "well you're in a pmsy mood today, go bite me." i said "i ain't a dog or a vamp and how can you judge my mood based on this conversation? i haven't even said anything yet."

fuck you.

either or neither nor

i'm wearing this long sleeve blue shirt that i like a lot to work today. now i'm saying this because i haven't worn it all fall/winter/spring to work because one of my coworkers in my immediate group also owns this exact shirt and he wears it like once every 7 work days or something like that. but today, i feel lucky. today, i feel like a plane could crash into the back of my skull.

we shall see.

apparently it's admin day or something. i never ask my admin for anything. still it would be nice to give something, but i think this is just a made up hallmark holiday anyway.

i was listening to elliott smith on the way in. the song, "say yes" (ddl). that song is so meaningful to me. "i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after./ crooked spin can't come to rest, i'm damaged bad at best, she'll decide what she wants, i'll probably be the last to know, no one says until it shows, see how it is, EITHER THEY WANT YOU OR THEY DON'T, say yes."

sorry i just wrote half the lyrics out but they are important. that's why i don't care about randoms and i don't apply myself and shit. i want a girl who's there the morning after. and the morning after that, and so on.

day 2 might not be so terrible.

sidenote: the girl who's profile i described in the last posting, well her name is missy but not the same missy. but i think that's interesting as missy is a pretty unique name from my limited experience (i would imagine it would be more common in rural communities but in the form of missy-joe, missy-beth, or missy-cheeseburger-elliott). but i think it's interesting as they are completely different. that's not so suprising but it is. but it isn't.

oh last thing, i saw this fucking truck sitting on the offramp in traffic this morning. it pulled off the road, went into the ditch, climbed out, and went back onto the freeway. it was exciting to see this all while crawling at 3mph through rush hour. that's the first time i've seen that manuver in real time.

game one in san antonio = fire

okay, anyone who says napolean dynomite is their favorite movie has been living in a dirt hole. and now, you're trying to poke your head out? get your fucking head back in the hole you... er fucking, groundhog.

oh, and anyone who says napolean dynomite is the best movie. we'll you're wrong. just like magic johnson was, that ONE time he was unfaithful to his loving wife and slept with 90 women (and 13 men) at the same setting/meal.

and i'm on friendster now (a major problem) and this one girl's interests are: scrapbooking, reading, working out, movies, and anything fun .

under movies, her favorite is: my best friends wedding

under music, she put: ALL

she is now officially on my shit(e) list, which doesn't mean she's pissed me off and i have put her on a list of people that i will murder one day when i flip out... rather, my shit(e) list consists of people i wouldn't feel too terrible about poo'ing on.

this is a lie. this is a fucking lie.

Your Dominant Intelligence is Logical-Mathematical Intelligence

You are great at finding patterns and relationships between things.Always curious about how things work, you love to set up experiments.You need for the world to make sense - and are good at making sense of it.You have a head for numbers and math ... and you can solve almost any logic puzzle.
You would make a great scientist, engineer, computer programmer, researcher, accountant, or mathematician.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

cannonball canyonball

someone remind me in a week to add this officially to my official links area, should this site actually not suck and be sweet like the tootsie-pop stuck up her woo-ha.

killian's on tap, tap tappa-roo

i've quit smoking many times successfully, for short periods of times: aka days.

here's the deal. i know they are bad. i know with every huff. that's not the part that bothers me. the part that bothers me is feeling like i'm addicted and have lost control. that's why i go through these trial periods of abstanance.

i took three different quizes lately asking various health related questions that go into a calculation of when my predicted age of death will be. all three said i'd die in my early 60's. that's really not so far away. i'm hoping by then, scientists will have invented a cure for unhappiness. oh and all those damn cancers.

who cares about the point of your story. most of the time, people talk with a point in mind. most people who talk shouldn't because they are stupid. anyway, the point isn't always the highlight. rather, it's one's journey to the point that is most interesting. i think at least.

i feel bad for fat kids because they always get picked last or fairly close to last in most sports, at least in elementary school. also one time i read that fatter people don't have more cells. there's just more space between the cells. that sounds like a theory made up by some lard who likes to eat pies*.

*both meat and fruit

fat kids are usually picked early in these activities:

1. human pyramids
2. tug-of-war(s)
3. ship sinking
4. volcano sacrificee
5. wet t-shirt contests

i'm talking to missy now. here is the convo, reasons why my friends are losers with girls:
1. we have very high standards
2. we don't do well in the bar scene (for various reasons)
3. we dont' know how to close the deal
4. we fall for our friends
5. we all look young
6. we are living in the troy area

there's a lot of explantion with this list. but some or the jist should be obvious.

i am an idiot. i've always been. i always will be. but this time around, i'm going to mingle with the mob verses standing alone, out of the crowd. i'll be an idiot just like everyone else. see me for details.

so pope killing is back on after a few day hiatus. game on.

i wrote this song to tell you,
that i still think of you,
every time i play my guitar.

the rhythmic beat on the strings,
and the melody it brings,
takes my memory back where we are.

full of possibility,
no reason not to believe,
no reason to ever doubt.

but we were so naive,
we could not have foreseen,
just how things would all turn out.

sometimes i still remember,
that i'm still in love with you,
sometimes i still remember,
that i'm still in love with you.

it hurts to have the haunting,
of forever wanting,
to cradle hands around the stars.

maybe took some foolish turns,
but now no chance to learn,
as no reset for where we are.

and so the sun is setting,
but i am not forgetting,
all the little moments we've spent.

my mind struggling to bury,
under scars your memory,
this is my mind's last defense.

sometimes i still remember,
that i'm still in love with you,
sometimes i still remember,
that i'm still in love with you.

no more yellow birds rising from the cigarette ashes

i gave it all,
i scratched and clawed,
but the results i had had no cause.

billy told me the other nite that i should read this paper his 12(?) year old female cousin wrote. the paper was about the death of a relative and was allegedly very sad. i asked, "billy, why would i want to read that if it's so sad." billy said something like, "well you like sad things."

and i denied it. i don't really like sad things but i do. i guess most music i like is sad. i'm listening to "more yellow birds" (ddl) now. that's a sad song by sparklehorse. i'm sure i've already told people previously to ddl.

my feet are currently being massaged as well. but my back is what needs massaging as it is ultra sore from the concert beating last nite. this girl is the only person i know that likes giving back massages. or at least doesn't mind. i don't mind when it's a girl i'm interested. or if it's to not get shived in ass-pound prison.

mom: "so you didn't go see elton john yesterday did you?"
phil: "nope."
mom: "oh he was playing at the palace. the wei's went to see him."
phil: "okay."
mom: "where was your concert at then?"
phil: "it was at the detroit, state theatre."
mom: "you mean the jane theatre?"
phil: "no, i mean the state theatre, in detroit."
mom: "oh i thought it was called the jane theatre."
phil: "are we talking about the same thing? i told you it's the state theatre."
mom: "well i drive by that area all the time. it's that place right with the sign outside that says they sell $7 beers. it's a resturaunt right?"
phil: "no, it's a concert hall. i don't know what you're talking about. i think you're referring to johnny rocket's or something. i went to see a concert, not to eat."

and all the things it requires in this world

i'm listening to first day of my life. "remember the time you drove all nite, just to meet me in the morning?"

i was just thinking of this specific nite when i wanted to come bring you a balloon and show you a good time because you were sort of bummed no one was making a big deal about your birthday. i was going to drive over despite it being a wednesday nite. i remember going around my room gathering things quickly. and then you told me for the 18th time you appreciated the thought but didn't want me to come.

funny i remember being disappointed. i was excited to come show you a good time.

so this is interesting... thanks box

look out below the fold

i have to admit this is the first time i've fallen in love with someone so ugly.

i'm not really in love but i thought of that this morning which i think is very interesting.

i wanted to buy some ramen this morning (to eat) but forgot. i didn't eat dinner last nite either. i had a wierd dream but can only remember one specific part. i dreamt i weighed myself after my 3 month pseudo diet (that i'm still currently on) and i had only lost 1 lb.

fish stick power hour coming soon. more details to come. bring singles for betting.

feeling outshined

so i went to the audioslave concert. i feel like i do after a good bout of sex: tired, a bit sore, wet, and $50 poorer.

but it was fun.

when they played in their anchor killing in the name of, i kept vaulting into the air about 20 feet. it was so intense. i feel so super charged right now, like i could throw sonic booms.

blanka was the shit though.

i walk out of the concert after the show in shell shock and there's a guy walking next to me without a shirt on. turns out to be billy. i hadn't seen him for the last 2 hours.

i feel bad for girls who go to shows like this because they don't stand a chance not getting crush. i think it's funny when they are with a boy and the guy wraps his body around hers. only thing though is i think it makes things worse when the walls close in as two people stuck together have a much harder time manuevering/dodging bodies.

also guys are so nasty at these concerts and smell like dogs at the water rides at cedar point. bow wow.

i'm going to stop smoking cigarettes for a week and see how that goes. i started as of this evening when i ran out. i actually meant to buy more but the damn machine was broken. probably a good thing.

reasons why 5th avenue, detroit (comerica park) sucks:
1. new waitress didn't know if there were any specials
2. new waitress went to find out and didn't return for an hour and a half
3. bar charged me $4.50 for what appeared to be a pint, of bud light
4. the pint was really a 13oz glass that misrepresented it's actually size
5. the menu at the bar said draft bud light was $4.00
6. the new waitress said the price just changed as of yesterday but they didn't have time to change the menu price, which seems fair, in nazi germany
7. the new waitress stood there telling johnny to let her have the $.50 tip
8. the new waitress tried to also charge johnny $5.50 for a $4.50 (marked up) "pint" of bud light
9. the damn cigarette machine was broken (lungs rejoyce)
10. the bouncer made me check my glock at the door

let the good times roll a j

"i hate her face but enjoy her company." (ddl) slow night, so long, by the kings of leon

it's not you, it's me. i can't stand your ugly face*.

*can substitute ugly face for any other picky superficial(?) description that disgusts you about someone.

for those keeping track of my daily shits, i just took one and it was all dyed red. don't worry, it was NOT blood or a fetus. rather, i had some faygo red pop last nite.

and why don't they sell red beer kegs for valentines/sweetest day? what makes st. patty so special?

d is for the dang in my wang

last nite i dreamt i was antonio bandaras (sp?). i know why i dreamt that. i had been watching bits of desperado at billy's with him and jimmy.

i dreamt i was antonio and the mexican drug lords were after me. they crashed my sister's wedding just to get to me. the wedding was at a sorority house. all the girls looked at me and smiled, because i was hot, because i was antonio bandaras. it was a nice change.

and my sister was into this whole play-theatre thing and incorporated it into her wedding. somehow the wedding kept going on despite the thugs carrying machine guns running around the building looking for me. eventually they got wed.

then we were on some sort of air ship, like in those final fantasy games. except the air in the balloon in the airship was marijuana smoke. and people had these tubes inserted to the damn balloon and were taking massive tokes.

and i don't really remember the rest.

another day

painted shadows on the wall,
lazy movements collapse and fall,
as hearts slow to a steady crawl.

the window cracked leaks out a call,
of a daydream that i once saw,
a cliched story of how one's heart should fall.

i used to believe in higher love,
i used to believe in higher love,
i used to believe in a lot of silly things.
i used to believe it'd all work out,
if it was meant to it would work out,
but now i know better than to believe these silly things.

so say goodnite,
as we wave goodbye,
as one evening bleeds into another day.

never a believer of miracles,
always drowned in the rational,
this moment was unpredictable.

her gentle features so beautiful,
the smile erases what was doubtful,
body wrapped around i'm so comfortable.

i used to believe in higher love,
i used to believe in higher love,
i used to believe in a lot of silly things.
i used to believe it'd all work out,
if it was meant to it would work out,
but now i know better than to believe these silly things.

so say goodnite,
as we wave goodbye,
as one evening bleeds into another day.

so say goodnite,
as we wave goodbye,
as one need bleeds into another girl.

i'll be alright,
i'll be alright,
as another girl lays here by my side,
i'll be alright,
i'll be alright,
as another girl wakes up by my side.

if it's the thought that counts, well i thought you would see me differently.
but turns out i'm the same as the crowd.

faking death

caught you

must, hide, identity

hos on the left, players on the right and phil

worst lap dance ever

kelly and

3 times the charm

loitering

jane and (fat) zombie

the usual suspects: dead to me

these are people that i have just removed from my AIM list as i decided i no longer care to even read their stupid away messages. i never talk to them anyway nor do i really even want to see any of them ever again. sorry, i'm just being honest and realistic:

jk2399
ned366
ya tibia lubleu
sols24
hewkonzen
dannce99
my life is toxic
sykora81
sommerm1
zippy8181
spins102
hummalicious
leelu739
sunhitstheskye
lbo67
lindzloumsu
enantiomorph742
yram218
johnnygrl
madlibs20
kbenacquisto
lorispecks
dre is nwa

congradulations, if you don't see your name on this list, you've either:
1. made the cut and are still on my stupid AIM "buddy" list
2. never were on my list to begin with

act black live white breathe green

and this i'm certain.

some of my friends from work constantly bum cigs off me at the bar each time we are out. when i say bum, i mean pillage. they bum like 10 a nite. they always say how they'll buy me a new pack on monday. i always tell them i don't care. and i don't really care. it really isn't a big deal. but it does get noticed. and they never do buy the new pack. so it goes.

yesterday's piston's game was awesome. we came back after sucking it up hardcore in the first quarter. it's nice watching the game in a suite with unlimited alcohol and enough chicken fingers to even satisfy me.

also i saw on the news a few days ago that cookie monster no longer just eats and promotes the consumption of cookies. now he's about eating healthy, singing "cookies are a sometimes food." what has this world come to?

and i made out with a girl last nite. it was nice. this is neither a new girl nor an old girl. we'll see. i'm not worried about such things at this junction.

our soccer game got cancelled today as it has been snowing non-stop since yesterday. the snow isn't collecting though. but stil, it's fucking the end of april. enough already. i walked into my parent's house for lunch today and noticed the thermostat was at 55 degrees. that's pretty sweet, if i wasn't human with nerve receptors on my skin.

i think i'm classically conditioned to have to shit whenever i drink orange juice at my parent's house. i drink it whenever i eat meals and i instantly have to shit. i'm not really sure why. or maybe, i'm classically conditioned to have to shit whenever i hear my mom's voice. seriously, i don't know.

"hey you with the face, you face works like a laxative." or something.

i wonder what my parent's think as i have to go to the bathroom mid meal half the time. i wonder if they think i'm buelimic. they haven't ever asked. i think that's wierd that they don't ask. i wonder if they wonder.

you know it's true what they say. if you want to move now and explore the world, you should do so now. but sometimes if and when you return, the things you once had are lost and stolen from you. it's really a gamble eh? i'm not a gambling man. not with certain things.

gorman, keith, and i were watching ALI this morning, starring our fav, will smith. i think he won an oscar for that. and jamie fox won for RAY. and so i was thinking, how these movies are based off of real people and such and the mass audience eats up this shit. they'd rather spend 2 hours in a theatre learning history than picking up a book or watching the history channel. i'm like that too i guess. but i was thinking, when are they going to make a real, high-budget production on kurt cobain? and who would play him? i wonder. i bet that movie won't come out for another 20 years but when it does, whoever gets to play him will win an oscar.

white castle fries only come in one size

i'm eating leftover whitecastle right now as i type this. it's 9:09am, saturday morning. this is the breakfast of champions. we got a crave case last nite and brought back to paul's. man, if this crave case were my brief, i'd be more inclined to want to go to work. hold up, there's one more... there it's done. transaction complete, crave case pulverized.

i like girls who don't say "ewwww" when guys mention white castle. i don't like most girls. honestly, if i had to choose between a girl who sucks and a crave case, i would choose the case. the whitecastle burgers would still be with me when i awake the next morning, both on my breath and in the toilet. as for the girl, i'm not as confident she'd still be there, or back.

last nite was nic's birthday celebration. i went out for happy hour with work people and then nic and crew ended up just happening to also pick the same bar. so it was a long ass fucking nite. i hate staying out late when i've already been out to happy hour. just something about being in a bar(s) for litterally 8 consecutive hours is repulsive to me. at least i didn't end up spending ANY money last nite.

i smoked so many cigarettes last nite. like more than a bakers dozen. maybe that'll teach my body to quit? i feel like my lungs have been whitewashed with tar.

i'm going to the piston's playoff homeopener this afternoon with KBB online. we'll be in their suite, sweet. for now i'm going back to dreams.

hammers on the plain

this guy reminds me of myself, if i were completely different. have to read the other articles some other time.

when the brightest light fades

driving in today...

i saw a chevy silverado that had the license plate "CAR H8R". I instantly thought, "cool, fuckface." actually, i don't really mind that he spelled hater like that as it's a license plate and i understand the logistics of limited space. it's not like he's spelling that on an essay he's writing for 8th grade lit and comp, on the topic of being hitler and his posse.

but really, you don't like cars? that's wierd, because i don't care. and i'm sure no one cares. and if you think it's worth spending $20 a year to personalize your plate to say something no one cares, then why don't you add a P in your plate and transition over to being a "CARP H8R". man, do i hate those damn carps. or maybe "CRAP H8R". stay away from that lactose!

or maybe just invent teleportation and we can be rid of those damn cars, carps, sneakers, trucks, and arabian horses.

the second thing i was thinking about today while driving in is what kind of bait do those damn jesus fish bite on? what is it, lonliness? needs for salvation/comfort/hope? CLING onto those things.

elliott smith has a number of songs titled "no name". dark heart procession have a number of songs titled "the waiter". i'm hoping to have a number of curb drop songs titled "the reason i hate life today".

make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay

ok seriously, skull fucking skeletor would be sweet. the hardest part would be deciding which hole to focus on first. actually, the hardest part would be my cock.

i hope any new readers out there just got moist.

who would win if K.I.T.T. battled against the General Lee? i have to say K.I.T.T. has the reach but the General Lee is a scrapper.

i think if i had a sex slave, i'd make her/him give me back rubs all day, oh and oral sex. also i meant her only.

i once told this girl i was probably about 6% gay. it's the part that likes guys. actually i don't like guys at all. but i just have some feminine qualities, like i like to pee while sitting down somenites (when i'm too tired to piss on the neighbors car). oh, also i like to fondle boobs. isn't that a feminine thing? they seem to enjoy it so much in the movies that i watch.
oh another thing similar that i have with girls is i find if i don't shave my mustache, i look very unattractive.

isn't it funny when a girl's got a mustache but she doesn't do anything about it for like years. and everyone wants to tell her and drop hints but she doesn't get it. i mean, if i can see it, then it's not dark enough in the room/world/blackhole.

sometimes i do the hokey pokey when no one's listening and when there's no music. but it just does't feel right unless i'm in a fucking circle and on rollerskates... and 8 years old. remember that damn song, "parent's just don't understand" by the dj jazzy jeff and the fresh prince? that was pre-big willie i'm a flame-on style.

how well do you know me (tee hee!) (giggle giggle) (priaprism)

gaywad quiz on fillshe (please don't look at other people's answers):

1.how well do you know this kid?
a. i slept with jean benet ramsey
b. i slept with jean benet ramsey's corpse

2. why is there a letter in the alphabet that looks like the number zero?
a. emptiness is lonliness and lonliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and god is empty just like me
b. what the fuck was that from?
c. what letter be that?
d. ohio is a dirty state/mindset

3. how often do i fish for compliments?
a. i thought fillshe already knew of his complete awesomeness and so he never needs to fish as he's a confident mother fucker.
b. asians don't fish, they procreate little asian female babies... and then dumpster time.
c. after every time you jerk off

4. what is my favorite dire straits song?
a. lady driver
b. walk of life
c. pearl jam

5. when was the last time fill masterbated?
a. when he was watching mrs. gorman read up on roe vs. wade (she's a lawyer)
b. when he was listening to "only in dream" by weezer (ddl)
c. when he was trying to inspire himself to blog something witty
d. when he was trying to test out how well his new anti-persperant/deodorant would work
e. as he was thinking about skull fucking skeletor

funyuns are both fun and funny

couple of things. i like brushing my teeth when i shit. i don't ever take too long to shit but this sort of ensures i spend a healthy number of minutes dedicated to care for my teeth. i mean, what else am i going to do while i shit? play video poker like goldbond? masterbate like box? man, i'm going to just stick to brushing my teeth.

my buddy at work just told me mitch hedberg died. this made me realize a couple of things:
1. i haven't seen that kid in a long time
2. he obviously just found out as it's still very much on his mind
3. he knows a lot about my style if he can tell that i would like mitch, as i don't believe we've ever actually spoken about mitch before
4. i really like making lists
5. fuck you

hey yahoo search shit "women fucking their pets". apparently myblog shows up somewhere as i got site traffic from that. sweet. i don't even know what that particular post could have been about. hmmmm, box, any thoughts?

girls count as two

the needle and the damage done.

i really wish my back weren't so fucked up. it's a very rare occasion if i have a day that doesn't involve me wishing that. people who wish a lot aren't even hoping anymore. hope equates to a chance. slim, but it's there. wishing means you need a shooting star or a geni or birthday candles.

if you disagree, then maybe you're using "wishing"/"wish" in the wrong form fuckhoe. go look up webster and then fuck emanuel lewis.

whenever i think of doctors i think of stethascopes and whenever i think of stethascopes, i think how wierd i must say that damn word.

remember snuggles? and not the fabric softner.

i wonder how many people would miss me if i moved out of here, to royal oak.

i just posted this as a comment and sorry, i think i was being witty here:
"i'm not really waiting in the sense that i think things will fall into place. you can always rely on gravity."

i'm not sure being good boyfriend material is really good now. i don't even want to be a boyfriend. i want to meet girls who are exceptional and go straight to orgasim, so to speak. i mean, to love.

also i don't fuck, i make love. i'm not a real guy. i'm good boyfriend material. so like i said, i'm not a real guy.

before i die i would like to lay in my future coffin. just to make sure i'm comfortable with rotting in that box for the next couple of years.

blogger.com must die

last nite i talked to this girl that i went out on a couple of dates with. i had bought her this blue jacket that i wear all the time now (hooded blue, i'm sure if you've seen me recently you've seen it a lot). we had gone shopping together once and she liked it. so even though we had only gone out a couple of times, i thought it'd be nice to get her that present, just because.

i'm sweet like that.

and then we stopped seeing each other, which whatever. and so i kept it and wear it all the time as it is a bit small on me but very comfortable still and very slimming. and i'm all about looking slimmer. sidenote, i just was thinking about fish stick powerhour (FSP).

and so anyway, i told her i had bought her the shirt. she was like, "awwww that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me." i go, "but i never even gave it to you and instead kept it for myself." she replied, "yeah but you were going to give it to me, and it was a sweet thought."

great. one point for the good guy. zero points for my sex organs.

and i wondered, how she would react to some of the other "nice" things i do for girls that i'm dating or interested in dating. i really wonder. i buy girls diamonds. i really do. i have started buying girls flowers from time to time, although man, i'm 2 for 2 on good reactions and 0 for 2 on actually having enough of an impact on the girl to develop the relationship further. i write poems. i write songs. i write love songs, and that means A LOT especially if you take into account the other 99% of the songs i write are about sadness and shite.

i smile. i laugh. i am happy. those things are always taken for granted.

i'm sorry but i wear my heart on my sleeve, whether it's healthy or bruised. i love. i am.

cool bean machine spits out rapid fire certs

when i die eventually
and they conduct the autopsy
they will find a broken heart
and a burden burning of unfulfilled dreams

i'm not at all regretful for the things i've said, done, or the people i've met. i'm only regretful for the way certain things turned out.

billy i was listening to a yo la tengo song and want to incorporate an idea they have of just humming/crooning for the chorus. i'll let you listen to the song to better understand. song is called damage (ddl)

oxygen, and carbon dioxide

yeah nostalgic associations with music and people are great

by the way, congrats to elizabeth kwitakowski and dorothy cammile. polo is right bitches.

speaking of lizzy poo, i'm going to name my daughter Isabella Blue. or at least, i'm going to campaign heavily to name her that.

plus i'm still down about it

"because when i take a hint i take it really hard. and when you broke my heart you broke it into shards, of glass."

your sweet voice, by the reindeer section (ddl).

"oh i miss how we talked about the little things." (same fucking song)

i hate will and grace gay.

the other day someone at work asked me to come help her. she always askes me to help her as i am decently good (above average) with excel while she is not competitant with even simple shortcut executions like cut and paste. sidenote: knowing how to use excel in an above-idiot status is essential for our job.

anyway, so i go over there because i'm sort of awesome at what i do (seriously) and feel like i need to share my skillz with the paupers. so i go over to help and she's looking up shit on www.match.com . now i don't care if anyone uses that. that's not the issue. the issue is she's doing this at work instead of working. then again honestly when i walked over, i expected her to be chatting away with her friends on messenger. i guess it's about the same. i just hate jobbers. i call them fivers at work. FIVERS. as in nine-to-five(r). whatever. she sucks anyway as she is so annoying. and she like most people know when i don't like them. i don't think i fake interest very well. i don't fake caring what someone has to say when i don't really care. i just stare. i just look away. i think of other things. i'm always thinking of other things.

"please don't look at me. i am such a mess. i will beat your love out of my chest." where i fall, by the reindeer section (ddl).

the worst thing you can be to me is boring. to be average. to be uninteresting. you don't have to be pretty. you don't have to be smart. you don't have to like death cab for cutie or wes anderson movies. you just need to be interesting.

you have to think i'm interesting. if you don't get or understand what i'm saying or what i'm about, then i have no doubt that you will dislike me as much as i dislike you. actually, i'll probably dislike you more. them the rules.

what's with the misspellings of both purple and strawberries?

i'll be your huckleberry if you'll be my silver spoon

but really age is irrelevant?

i'm not sure if i'd rather be able to see the future or just be able to see the present more clearly.

i wonder how many people were like "hey maaaaaaan, it's 4 twenty today. let's get stoned." i wonder how many people did a wake and bake.

i keep my friends around me because i love them. i keep my acquatances around so that when i'm in a lull, i have someone to talk to.

i'm not sure why the weight of the world falls on my shoulder like grace.

if it's not love, then it's nothing. it's all or nothing with these things. black and white.

the starry nite

a blurry vision,
or the starry nite,
the colors swirl,
as edges collide.

the sun hides,
leaving duty behind,
the day dreams,
as the moon lights.

and the feeling this has happened before,
and the feeling this has happened before.

a hazy state,
no longer decide.
the past we shared,
as memory unwinds.

the photos clear,
disconnected from time,
but mixed feelings,
confuse mind,

and the feeling this has happened before,
and the feeling this has happened before.

first blog post revisted

Yahoo Search works. good boy.

Yeah so this is awesome. Please go to Yahoo Search and look up the term "moaning sound". you will see a link for my site on the natural listing, rank 4. Please CLICK on the link to help boost my ranking. MWWWHAHAHAH.

I think that was my first posting or something.

Now I have to figure out how to make it show up on Google too.

happy anniversary

today is april 20. 3 years ago on this day jess and i broke up. seems like forever ago huh?

isn't it wierd how the days go by so fast now but when you look back to just a few months ago it seems so far away?

where have you all gone? did you leave or was i who walked away?

broken social scene rocks my shite out.

i'm a negative creep and i'm stoned

i thought headaches and heartbreak like this were reserved for the holidays.

i love the girl to life, but.

no matter where the road goes,
the scene will never change,
the trees all look the same,
the sky lit up in flames.

the path never gets me closer,
to you.

no matter how fast i ride,
the horizon can't be tamed,
the moon stands out in shame,
the stars i can't attain.

the path never get me closer,
to you.

no matter which path i take,
alone this life i'll make,
the moutains never braved,
of easy path i'm afraid.

the path never get me closer,
to you.

you've been punked. i killed your wife and framed you.

so it occured to me that i left my away message up a couple of days stating that i ran my car into a dog on Sunday morning (4.17) at 3:42am. i actually almost did do so and just barely missed as it was dark, i was tired and sluggish from biscuits and gravey, and the fucking dog was a black haired mofo.

and so i didn't really hit the dog. yet i thought i'd post that away message for awhile to see if people would react. only two people asked me. one was the camster who was like "oh no" [insert big purplish frownie face]. the other was billy when i saw him in person yesterday who asked me about the dog saying "how sad".

you fools. you heartless fools. not cam or bil but the rest of you.

or else maybe you all don't think that much of me or something. i don't really know.

more lies to come!

white smoke black smoke who gives a fuck

if i were named pope (and so then, if i were pope) , i'd shake up the catholic church/system/machine. here are just a few of the things i would do:

1. communion at church would be heavily revised. rather than eating little pieces of bread dipped in cheap wine, i'd have large flakey bisquits being dipped in glorious sausage gravey. and everyone, including women and children, would each have capri suns to drink. or wine.

oh, also communion would include sitting around in a drum circle while passing around all sorts of drugs, including but not limited to: birth control, cialis, dope, shrooms, nicotine patches, steriods, and glue.

2. believing in god would be optional.

3. any person who would deny the rights of gays and women to participate in the new order of catholocism would be high-fived, and then murdered.

4. rock bands would be urged and welcomed to play sets during mass.

5. bono would be cruicified and then his body would be ripped to pieces and draped in the 4 corners of the world to warn all those who greatly suck, to not.

6. the nhl would never have a lockout again.

7. priest and such who molest children would be pardoned, as long as the children deserved it.

8. mitch hedberg, eddie vedder, ben gibbard, and optimus prime would all be immediated honored with sainthood.

9. billy could come live in the vatican city free of all expenses.

10. catholocism wouldn't suck.

sometimes the point i try to make,
turns out too sharp,
it pierces the skin of those who listen,
stabbing through the heart,
sometimes it's in the words i say,
held in high regard,
sometimes it's the manner i say,
both harsh and hard.

i can pierce through the thickest skin,
your body's protection,
doesn't amount to nothing,
just let me begin and in the end,
i'll destroy you like they destroied me,
with honesty,
yes i hate you,
yes i love you,
oh how it must hurt to know,
the feeling of my soul.

fire in the hole, of my heart

i'm suprised there aren't more fires, or at least i don't see them happening. you would think with all the technology out there, something would blow up or melt down.

i made those ads look like that on purpose. i'm not a complete idiot but i am a complete asshole.

billy, you're on. just tell me when and where and we'll fish stick power hour.

i think with every major defeat and letdown in life, i get less interested in a lot of things as i become more tired. the only think i seem to get more interested in is music.

The Weed and the Girl

give me sunshine,
give me water,
give me love.
give me sunshine,
give me water,
give me love.

tell me,
as you feed me,
that i'm beautiful.
tell me,
as you feed me,
that i'm beautiful.

give me sunshine,
give me water,
give me love.
give me sunshine,
give me water,
give me love.

hold me,
and convince me,
that i'm beautiful,
hold me
and convince me,
that i'm beautiful.

please take me with you,
please take me with you,
please take me with you,
can't you see my roots aren't bound to the ground?
please take me with you,
please take me with you,
please take me with you,
can't you see i'll wither when you're not around?

give me sunshine,
give me water,
give me love.
give me sunshine,
give me water,
give me love.

don't leave me,
i need you,
to grow.
don't leave me,
i need you.

worrying is my thing. it's both my habit and my hobby.

top 5 records

last nite, before i "decided" to turn my life at a 45 degree angle, i watched high fidelity. it's a much better movie the third time around than the first two times.

i think i'm just like the character john cusack plays in many negative ways. i really could speak about multiple themes in the movie for hours, if anyone ever has the time and has the beer/stuff.

i originally was going to only make a top 5 list but that became apparently impossible...

top 10 personal* favorite songs and explanations (in no particular order):

1. velvet underground - pale blue eyes: the song has the sweetest, gentle guitar playing the entire song. when the solo comes, i sincerely believe it is the sweetest solo ever. it's pure beauty. lou reed sings of love and unhappiness, mixed, which it is in real life. he sings of best friends, references to reincarnation, cheating, dream girl, etc, again all in the context of both love and unhappiness. he sings with a mono-tone voice that is a soothing layer over the guitar melody. both himself and the guitar weep. i could have written this song. i wish i did.

2. cracker - take me down to the infirmary: "i know the whiskey won't soothe my soul and the morphine won't heal my heart. but if you take me down to the infirmary, oh yeah, i won't have to sleep or drink alone." i shouldn't need to say more. that chorus is justice enough. the lead guitar parts and solo is tremendous. i think highly underrated.

3. pearl jam - yellow ledbetter: there's so many great lines in there. there's so many lines that aren't even words, just eddie crooning. it's so emotional. it's hard to tell the lyrics as it's hard to tell the meaning, but i have my set of lyrics and i interpret the song to be of lost love to the point one's heart breaks and wants to just die. the solo is relatively easy and simple but it's perfect that way. the song is so fun to sing to, fun in this instance meaning it frees one soul temporarily of the burden of a broken heart. i'll continue to sing this one even when alone without the music on.

4. pulp - tv movie: i fell in love with this song back in highschool and it was great back then. but then later in college, there was so much more meaning attached to the song after i met someone. it's about missing the one you love. i have always missed her and i always will. the lyrics about missing love are all cleverly tied to television. it's a wonderfully orchestrated song. simple.

5. elliott smith - pitselah: this song is the most depressing song i've ever heard. i enjoy it for those reasons. i feel my pain through elliott's. if you've never suffered then you won't understand how great and powerful this song is. it's about wanting to die because everything isn't okay anymore. the words are so powerful.

6. the beatles - two of us: this song is actually a love song but with a happy mood. just about two people in love doing nothing at all. i've been lucky to experience this type of thing before and so the song is a reminder of it; a reminder of both better times and plans to revisit one day.

7. bob marley: no woman no cry: the lyrics besides the chorus aren't nearly as personal as the others on this list. yet the song reminds "everything's gonna be alright". i used to listen to this song a lot when i didn't believe in such things. the song is also my favorite song ever to dance to. there are so fond memories i have of dancing to this just carefree when carefree was a state i rarely experienced.

8. counting crows - anna begins: insert my voice where adam's is and you have me. it's about love and about uncertainty and neuroticism. it's me. if i was making a list of top songs that reflect myself, this would be ranked #1.

9. mazzy star - halah: i don't like many female lead vocal bands but i love mazzy star. this is my favorite by far. this song is about missing someone one loves and wishing things would work out. it's about trying to win back someone once had. includes misjudging signs, wanting to die, lonliness, blame, denial, all those good things.

10. coldplay - yellow: this is a happy love song. this song was jess and mine for the two years we dated. she was my first true love and the one that worked the best for the longest. she was spectacular. we used to dance to this song. even now, years after we dated, i still think of her and this song. it's a simple song but that's great because love can be that simple. it's a lot about proving how much one loves another. i'm always trying to do such things.

*all the songs i like at all are personal

there are many honorable mentions as i love so much music. however that's my list. i think the majority of those songs will stay on that list for the rest of my life.

last song on the blue side

with the sun rise,
the darkness of the nite,
usually fades away,
but now this time,
the memory of the nite,
is here to stay.

i've been awake,
not nearly conscious enough,
so in bed i lay,
as the thoughts churn,
tears don't extinguish the burn,
they come too late.

although just a dream,
it was much closer than i could believe,
but in the end the,
ocean called out again,
for you to leave.

with each summer,
i try not to remember,
so i can maintain,
but the reminder,
of what was left in my heart,
is here to stay.

although just a dream,
it was much closer than i could believe,
but in the end the,
ocean called out again,
for you to leave.

this is ridiculous, but during the nite i was thinking about so much and about the direction of my life and how fucked up it is at times the things i'd be willing or unwilling to do. i don't really understand myself completely. i'm a love fool. i'm the most rational person i know about everything and then insert love, and i become a fucking moron, going against the walls of reason/security/safety i've crafted over the years. that's when i get hurt. people in general can't really hurt me as i just don't care about people in general. but there are moments when the right person pricks me in the right spot and i just drop dead for awhile.

it's funny how guilt works. what a silly feeling. it's meant to make you not want to do something again but it often appears in inappropriate times. unwarranted. it's a ruiner. it makes one nervous, worried, unsensible and sensible.

the worst conversation ever

i'm unsure of everything.
and this is unacceptable.
but the comfort of not knowing.
mixed with the safety of not caring.
is numbing.
good nite.
maybe i will see you again.

i just watched high fidelity for the third time but i get it now. i really didn't understand that i didn't get it before.

see me for details.

big papa

mom: "so what did you do in chicago? barbeque?"
phil: "what are you talking about?"
mom: "oh no, sorry, i mean in toledo. what did you do, barbeque?"
phil: "no i know what you meant, why would you think we barbequed?"
mom: "oh because you got a lot of sun and you said you were outside."
phil: "yeah, but no, you can do other things outside..."
mom: "did you use sunscreen?"
phil: "...like for instance, go to a baseball game, walk around, sit, play soccer. i already told you that's what i did this weekend when you asked me half an hour ago why i look so tanned. and no i didn't use any sunscreen."
dad: "oh you played in a baseball game? i didn't know."
phil: "what?"
dad: "what was it, the MBL?"
[phil stuffs mouth full of food to avoid further conversation]

so many uncertain questions

you ask,
what's the point of this,
i reply,

i need to try,
to remind you,
from time to time.

you ask,
what do you think,
will happen,

i expect nothing,
but i'm hoping,
you'll change your mind.

i can hope,
that you'll remember all these little things,
i can hope,
that you'll remember all the little things.
i can hope,
that you'll remember all these little things,
i can hope,
that you'll remember me.

you ask,
if all this build up,
will materialize,

is it better,
to test drive,
what one can't afford?

you ask,
if i believe in,
destiny,

i'm not certain,
but i believe,
in you and me.

i believe,
that you'll remember all these little things,
i believe,
that you'll remember all the little things.
i believe,
that you'll remember all these little things,
i believe,
that you'll remember me.

and if you change your mind,
or with the passage of time,
when the moment allows,
i'll be there.

i'll be there.

feeling yourself tripping on a hole

i decided not to shower before my 3pm soccer game. so i haven't showered since friday morning. oh well.

i forgot to mention last nite, one of the girl's (this one is super boring, often inspiring me to think about how boring and then how unncessary her existance is to me and my life)... she told me she dated this dude her freshman year of college and then they had a messy break up. and then she turned "alternative". she told me, "and then i became an alternative-phreak. i had my nose pierced, i wore baggy pants, and had on sweatshirts and t-shirts and stuff. I was was just against everything because of my alternative anger."

i immediately told her, "you know those are the types of girls i like." and inside my head, i wanted to tell her "fuck you you pathetic loser. i hate people like you because you see us and call us 'hippies' but use it in a negative connotation whereas i use the term 'hippie' like it's the greatest mindset in the world." that also has to do with the drama shit that happened the other nite.

whatever fuck faces.

on another note, i'm shirtless right now.

and i looked at my tracker thing on my blog and noticed someone typed in the search phrase "harmonica Troy, MI" and the number one natural listing is me. that's pretty cool. someone else typed in "women sucking their pets" and got my blog too. although i'm not sure what the fuck that's from or what i exactly typed for that as i obviously don't really have content of that matter. there's just that one of box and kissey.

my arms are big enough for you and a bucket of chicken

waking up to the sound of a girl talking really loudly (plus i'm a super lite sleeper) sucks. this happened at 9. this did not stop until 11:40 in which i was laying face down (i never lay face down) trying to decide if i wanted to get up and post this bull shit or if i wanted to lay in bed for another 20 minutes building up the courage to kill her.

i mean stab her in a friendly manner, with a dull oldsmobile cutlass supreme.

at 3:42am, sunday morning (4.17.05), phil shih drove his car into a dog crossing the street.

mudhens was fun. weekend overall was great. got to see johnny and missy, and two girl friends i haven't seen in literally two years: corinn and dira. good times. there was of course drama that i've probably unnecessarily had to tell a couple of times. i say unnecessarily because i shouldn't have to retell it ever again as it's done. i'm basically done with that kid. he's an idiot.

i spent all day and i mean ALL day in ann arbor yesterday. it was great. it was a glorious day and i got to spend it in a glorious way all the time looking at her glorious face. i went to this used record store that missy reminded me of and purchased 4 cds. (oh also a blank recordable cd for missy). dang. i shouldn't have even gotten one, but it was just a great day and felt it was appropriate. plus i got some good stuff (artist names only):
1. black heart procession
2. the british sea power
3. yo la tengo
4. the sea and cake

my friend cori is still a cutie. it's so funny, she still loves kid rock so much for some stupid girlish reason. she's sort of into w.t. she's cool though. i think she's moving in with her boyfriend to some apartment in detroit in a few months, right by comerica. so i hope to see her more often, especially when looking to go to tiger's games and concerts at the state theatre.

it was so great to see dira too. i haven't seen her since i graduated almost exactly 2 years ago. how unfortunate is that? it was so funny just talking about new and olds things, and new and old times. it's about the people and the memories eh? we will do this again much sooner than in 2 years.

then i went off to cara and crista's 25th birthday celebration at an irish bar in northville. it was chill and fun. i don't think i've ever had Harp's beer, but it's great. we went to the post in novi after for the last half hour of the bar nite. no drinks there. no cover either. no dancing. to be honest, i don't know what the point was going. but oh well i went for them as they were going. and then some of us went to denny's. and it was just so stupid. there were a bunch of girls (4 of them) and me and this other minor-celeb guy who's sort of a pompous mother fucker because he is mildly famous. anyway, he was hitting on one of the girls (all the girls work directly with me in my group) and the other three girls were more or less chatting amongst themselves about nothing at all. this was all happening between the hours of 2 and 3:30.

oh by the way, i had the bisquits and sausage gravey. they wrecked havoc on me later. but it was worth it.

it was just funny and annoying to watch what was going on. i just wanted food. i would have rather sat by myself i think.

but the thing is i was laughing a whole lot. not at funny things they were saying, but just at the entire situation. i was laughing to myself. i just felt like this was such a ridiculous situation and moment for me to have purposely placed myself into. it was enlightening.

originally i sat down accidently between the girl and the guy. the guy was obviously trying to mack on the crazy bitch. so after a few minutes i made him and i switch seats. hey my mother didn't raise me to be no cock block. one of the other girls noticed and said good job.

beer pong nazi had very many rules, like no living jews at the table

sex with you would suck. bumpas. i think we should finish our t-shirts and maybe bumpas. we wants da moneyz lebowski.

you never really hear about girl nazi's really. or girl sports like "ultimate knitting" or

so on friday i had a couple of really good jokes that i can remember:

1. i invented a new sexual position/move called the "muhammad ali" where you just have your two fingers inside of a girl while your hand shakes uncontrollably all over the box.

i swear it was funnier in the moment when i gave a demostration.

2. we were at the mudhens baseball game and they have cheers on one side of the stadium yelling "mud" and the opposite side yelling "hens". i wish there were cheering at church. left side yell "jesus". right side yell "christ".

"communion wine, get your communion wine!!" "hey buddy can you break a twenty?" "don't you have anything smaller?"

peeing in a trough at church would be great.

you could heckle the minister or priest or whatever.

"wow what a great day for a church service." "yeah i know what you mean, it's a shit storm outside and i've got nothing else in the world to do."

way too cute for you, luke perry

too tired now
or getting tired
or will be tired tomorrow

tomorrow is just the future. if i could time travel to any time, i would pick tomorrow. so that i could stop myself from being an idiot which i surely will. also it's technically today, so i'd just travel 20 hours forward.

i hate it when people tell you, "smoking is bad." it makes me want to say to them, "yeah? really? well so is getting uppercutted, which is what i'm about to do to you because you made that stupid obvious comment."

and then billy steps in and says, "phil, what the fuck is wrong with you. just relax. here ____ this." and then i ____ that and i am out of the danger zone.

insert heartless comment about the spelling of hartless

blogs are great. that tracker dorothy cammie gave me tracks the upstreaming to my blog. this means i can tell where people are coming from when they finally get to my awesomeness. i learned today that i once had a posting about how great this aqua teen hunger force commercial was. and apparently, someone searched something like "aqua teen commercial" and my listing for my site/post was number 2 or 3, on the natural side.

how cool is that.

notice there was not a question mark placed strategically at the end of that last sentence. go look again. i promise.

billy and i watched some weezer videos tonite. rivers looked so young in the oldschool ones.

we had a glorious victory in soccer tonite. we literally won in the last 0.7 secs (seconds). and it was fun watching (from the bench). i actually played well tonite despite goldbond being a fuck. but i did miss about 14 shots that did not even go on net.

if you come off the field and have the ability to speak at all, you're not working hard enough. OR, you're not smoking enough. i cover both grounds because i am a true baller.

i wonder if www.blogger.com is the homepage for some of those freaks and ghouls out there. i hate those damn ghouls. i ain't fraid of no ghosts. but ghouls. man, that UL combo instead of the STS just fucks with my head.

i'm eating goldfish crackers now. it's late so i shouldn't be as they are carbs. who even said i wanted any carbs?

i like MY own joke a lot but don't think other people think it's as funny. i like to say, "i'm on a low self-esteem diet, meaning i drink a lot of beer, eat a lot of fatty foods, smoke, and eat more fatty foods." i swear, it's funnier in my mind.

duck sent out an email saying he's switching companies so don't use his old work email address. instead, use jimpro@gmail.com or something. wtf. he's still calling himself "jimpro" hahahaha. i remember this one time he had this jimpro@hotmail.com account and he freaking got emailed by some dude or something also named jim who aparently also referred to himself as jimpro and wanted duck to just give him that email address. duck was like, "fuck you guy". and then he sold a fake beanie baby on ebay for $1000 and got caught.

i'm not so tired now because i had the blood flowing tonite like a botched up abortion. my heart is still on fire. my lungs are still mediocre.

goldfish crackers? goldfish crackers? baked goods are great. i think i already said this, but i had some (3) fishsticks at billy's house tonite. i love me some fishsticks. funny how so many things taste better in stick form:

sugar (pixie sticks)
processed pseudo beef (slim jims)
explosives (dynomite - jj walker)
hangings (hangman stickfigure)
fat girls

you can see, the list could potentially go on forever, if i had anymore to say that is.

project greenlight

i eat my words all the time. i wish that was enough. then i wouldn't need to try and slim down for the summer, for those random beach days.

at work on these nice days, i wish that there were somehow sunroofs in our offices. that would be glorious. the sun would come in from both the window and the roof. multiple angles are a plus. unfortunately, i sit on the 3rd floor of a 50 floor office building. so i guess even if there was a sunroof, the only benefit i'd get would be potentially looking up and seeing a girl in a skirt. that would be fine too i guess.

you know that saying, "where the sun don't shine"? well that saying sucks. next time someone threatens to hit you where the sun don't shine, ask, what they mean. ask if they mean pluto.

i love fish sticks. i still have an open challenge to a fish stick power hour. remember, no standing up and going to the bathroom during.

i have a feeling, that technology is advanced enough where "they" have developed these highly sophisticated super computers with all that arificial intelligence crap/carp that all these freaking companies are using in their client support centers. and the computers have been programmed to keep asking questions, pretend to be morons, get angry at customers, etc. all in an attempt to get the customers more pissed off and eventually give up and kill themselves.

i should have claimed my brother as a dependent. he's retarded.

you thought i was serious? fool.

on my way to a temporary dream.

i cannot recall any dreams i had last nite. so my test worked but the results are failure.

i really like the new(er) kings of leon album. the first song uses the word fucking a lot. not in the sexual sense. just fucking ____. it's a nice ease into the album.

tomorrow is toledo. tomorrow will be grande.

Below is a study by Bizrate Media about Women and their fucking pets... not pets they have for fucking, just fucking pets:

Women Majority Prefer Pets to Partners
For those in the pet, pet accessories, and pet services businesses, here's a heads-up for your "behavioral targeting" strategies. According to a study of pet owners by BizRate Research for Shopzilla, pampered pets are becoming women's priority vs. their partners.
The study reports that 56% of women feel that their pets are more affectionate than their partner, while only 41% of men feel that way. And 45% of women think their pets are cuter than their partners, twice as many as men. In the study, women said they had a deeper emotional connection with their pets than men did.
Other findings include:
73% of female pet owners report they are more inclined to date or marry someone who also has a pet
72% of women pet owners report their pets make them happier than their jobs. (compared to only 60% of the men)
Women are inclined to spend about $50-$100 a month on their pet
39%% of women pet owners would consider taking their pet to a pet psychic, groomer or therapist
37% of the female owners will consider a pet funeral (almost twice as many as men)
The survey saw that 36% of women owners take their pets along with them to run errands such as shopping or going to the hair salon
70% of female pet owners feel that their pets reflect their personality

all this slander and doublespeak

i used to know this girl and was friends with her. she smiled all the time. one time we were with some other people all fucked up and shit in college. someone quoted rushmore, saying to kendra, "what's your secret? you seem to have figured it out."

she was still smiling when she said, "when i was little i just learned to smile all the time. even if i'm unhappy."

that made me see her completely different from that moment on.

i've never been good at hiding my emotions. i wear it in the things i say and the way i say it. i'm very blunt and honest. i wear it in all the body language i shout.

you should've been in my shoes yesterday

when god was passing out brains, you thought he said, "you should be a fuckface" and so you became one.

it's colder than an eskimo's freezer in here.

there's a new commericial with eskimos and more importantly, with eskimo kisses. somehow rubbing noses just isn't as hot as deep throating your mom.

i was playing lots of guitar this evening. i rediscovered some riffs and songs that i have probably forgotten for about 3 months. it was exciting.

also working on a new song that i'm not sure how it'll just turn out but i think it'll rock a little.

i'm practicing playing while standing up (using guitar strap of course). please note i've probably only played standing up now, honestly, maybe 16 times. maybe a little more a little less. anyway, it's hard on my shoulder as billy and i realized i pull the guitar up and have all this left shoulder tension. oh well. it's too much pressure on my wrist if my guitar hangs too low. anyway, it's tiring on my legs too. i like to run and don't mind walking at all. but i HATE just standing. somehow, standing still is much worse and tiresome on my legs and back than moving around. and it's much worse standing with a 50 lb guitar.

actually i don't have any clue how much the damn fucker weighs.

i wonder if making a conscious effort before sleeping to try and remember dreams helps. i've been remembering an awefully high percentage of my dreams lately. we'll test this tonite.

trevor jones kiss

my dad today was telling me he's thinking of selling one of his rental properties that hasn't been rented out for quite some time. some guy apparently has asked my dad to sell twice now, saying he'll pay in cash for the whole thing, upfront.

my dad is seriously considering. also my parents do not at all need more money.

then he told me that i should be thinking of buying a house real soon. i said, i have thought about it, but the thing is, i don't have enough money to afford. i could rent out rooms to people (hopefully friends) and they could help support the mortgage. but i don't necessarily want to rely on that.

and in all honesty, i don't know right now where i'll be in another year. i'm 99% sure i'll still be here but that 1% of uncertainty stems from certain matters of greater importance.

he said he'd help pay for the downpayment and the monthly mortgage. i just laughed at him. he then very seriously said, he'd pay for it all and i could just pay him back like with monthly rent.

the house he could/would sell could easily pay for the house he would buy. interesting.

still i feel this is really taking advantage. remember i am very responsible and always filled with worldly guilt.

he might sell the house anyway though. and if he does, what is he realistically going to do with that money that he already doesn't need. also it would be a fucking shame if he gave the money to my brother who would waste it by not working for like 4 years and living off that shit.

plus, since i was a kid, often my dad would offer money (as all dad's do) to my brother and i for no reason at all. and i almost always refused it. i don't need his money. i don't need my parent's money. i have my own. that's why i work right? but my brother would always take it. whether it was $5 or $100, i would always refuse and my brother would always take. then one day someone asked me, why? why would i just not take it. he is offering. he has more to spare. i should just take. i COULD use it for something. what am i trying to prove right? and that made me think. and i still refused money offered after that conversation, but i always did wonder later, well why not? if i don't take it now, i'll probably inherit it later anyway. and then what? what would i do with a lump sum years down the road? i don't know at all. even if he gives me this money now, i'll stlil have a large inheritance most likely.

so i might be house shopping this summer. even though i'm only 99% sure i'll be here, why not just do it in the meantime?

of course my mom wasn't part of this conversation and will most likely protest as she likes to hide her savings in unreachable, untangible holes that will never see the light while she is alive.

but still, very very interesting. i might be looking for housemates. anyone interested (billy)?

you're idle

someone once told me, it's more fun to think about the people you like when you masterbate. so in other words for me, think about the people i will never have sex with.

mom: "make sure when you leave that the door is lock."
phil: "why wouldn't it be locked? wait, you want me to make sure it's locked or unlocked?"
mom: "make sure the door is locked."
phil: "the door is always locked. why would it be unlocked? you don't have to tell me to lock it if it's already locked because i don't plan on unlocking it. are you going to unlock it now?"
mom: "no but daddy might."
phil: "why would dad do that?"
mom: "because he's going out and sometimes he forgets to do things. like today, he forgot to pick me up from work. he's forgetful."
phil: "so he's going to forget to lock the locked door? what are you talking about? is he going to unlock the door accidently and then forget accidently to relock it?"
mom: "no, he's going next door for a minute and maybe he'll leave the door unlocked because he's only going to be gone for like a minute."
[phil pulls hands over eyes in tired disbelief]
phil: "oh, so he's only going to be gone for a minute and to next door. then who cares? also, you didn't say before where he was going or why he would unlock the door."
mom: "well i thought it was very simple and straight forward."

black tie eventless

they should definitely make perfume for women, targeting guys like billy and i.

of course it wouldn't sell huge amounts of volume, but it would really hit the inner child in us.

the particular smell that inspired this thought is: fruitloops. they need to make a fruitloops perfume.

other smells could include (but not limited to):
cocoa puffs
overheated nintendo cartridge
flinestones push pop creamcicles

just to let you know

my new cd mix which i completed last nite starts off with the theme song from eternal sunshine. it's a lovely song. so many songs don't need words to tell a full story.

driving in this morning, this guy pissed me off because as i was on the on ramp about to get onto I-75, he was in the 2nd lane and moved into the far right merging lane basically on top of me. he was driving a suv of course (fuck you chambers). why would someone move into that merging lane. you know people are trying to get on you fuck. if you're already in that lane, then oh well and we'll deal with you. but don't make it harder. fucker.

and there's this SAE engineering conference downtown at the cobo. has been going on since monday. so the traffic has bad even more so than usual. whatever, that's not the point. walking to my building, i saw this guy in a suit with briefcase run across the street through oncoming traffic. i can only assume this guy is one of the visiting engineers for the conference. the oncoming traffic stopped abruptly to avoid vehicular homocide. you would think the fucking engineer would understand how cars work. they move, fast, and are heavy. and when they hit morons, they splatter the morons brains all over the sidewalk.

i'm really not in a pissy mood although it may seem like it from the first two comments.

i had another wierd dream last nite. i moved into this little house off of livernois (it doesn't actually exist). in my dream, i recognized the house before as well as the two neighboring houses. this really confused me in both my dream and now awake as i wonder if i had dreamt about these houses previously. i don't know. anyway there was one of my girl friends living in the house (cannot remember now) and another random girl. the random girl must have been our age too. she worked for a rival media planning company. she was an insomniac. i remember the house was tiny but packed with their crap. the kitchen was filthy. just dirty pots and pans everywhere.

i went into my bedroom and there were two bunkbeds and one other single twin mattress. that was about all there was in my tiny bedroom.

the stranger girl couldn't sleep for some reason.

when i awoke, apparently i was some biologist or something because i was working in some lab and there was some news report saying anyone who worked in these labs were contaminated with some virus. (also, there was some sort of news story last nite in reality about something like that). and anyway, both my girl friend and the stranger kept away from me because they broke out with deep bags under their eyes. i had them too. but i kept thinking the bags under the one girl's eyes were due to lack of sleep. also i was taking this pill every day which i naturally attributed to my bags. i determined my lab or the government or whatever was conducting tests on me with these pills.

later i found out that this girl had just recently lost one of her friends AND her little 3 year old daughter to two separate accidents (i don't know what kind of accidents). but then that explained why she couldn't sleep.

that's all i can remember about my dreams.

i want to add this line to one of my other poems i wrote on monday:
i would walk on water,
if you believed in me.

god?

i now have a place to shop for all future birthday and bamitzva presents.

some one wrote me a poem. well i don't think they wrote it for me in particular, but it was dedicated somewhat. so i'm writing one for her.

fallen

oh yeah in another dream,
in another lifetime so far away,
the sun set and i would wake,
the blurred desire buried beneith.

all my prior failures,
pale in your comparison,
young needs and childish reasons,
led to my greatest error.

i wish i could take it all away,
or at least i could make the memories fade,
all the shame and hate that i create,
i want to throw my life away.

you said,
if i did it you would spit,
on my casket.
you said,
i deserve to live with regret,
so i did.

the shadows,
of lust and shallow desire,
burn with fire.
the whispers,
my guilt it never expires,
the fallen lover.

i wish i could take it all away,
or at least i could make the memories fade,
all the shame and hate that i create,
i want to throw my life away.

i will be forever weighing the mistakes i've made,
i will be forever weighing the mistakes i've made.

gift

concert

i'm pretty sure these people are going to die very soon. they remind me of the gorillas in outbreak. me amy. amy love you.

are you sad from before or because before is no more?

this is in response to two people's comments. the dream thing about the teeth. i don't think it's about hidden anxiety because i think i wear my anxiety fairly well and almost daily on my face and in the emotion in my voice.

the castration fear thing? i'm a man. yes i have a castration fear. but is it any more than the average dude? nope.

am i worried about my image? yes and no. that's a difficult one. i care enough what certain people think. everyone else can body rot.

beginning of a new phase? now this might be semi true. yesterday at least throughout the day i was thinking how much i despise certain people and the situations they create. i'll be the first to say i am certain i am despised by many and also for the situations i bring on. but some people just almost made me sick yesterday. today, even feeling much more jolly, i was still super annoyed by things some people were saying and doing, especially this one coworker in particular.

i guess i just feel like i've figured out so much out the last few years and one of the final things is just understanding my place and role with the majority of the people out there. and now almost 2 years removed from college, i really know what's important and what's not. it always was "the people" but now i know which ones and which types.

that annoying coworker said yesterday, "you can always use more friends. who doesn't want more friends, or at least who doesn't want more acquaintances?"

i don't. you definition is flawed on so many levels. maybe that's why you're a fucking unhappy loser?

evan dando sang "when you got problems that you can't solve, it's enough to make you start to hate your friends." well when you hate them, that's great. but maybe they hate you just as much and maybe you shouldn't be friends with such people just as much as they shouldn't be friends with you. and maybe your problems really could be resolved if you spent your life with people more compatible with you (i was going to say more similar but that doesn't have anything to do with it). i'm now thinking of a number of people in general that i know and not just this stupid girl.

i've been misunderstood until it all came to me

i remembered this evening, i have an old email account that i no longer use because the old address sucks and i was getting all this shite mail. i went into it and cleared out all the junk mail that had been accumulating forever. and the aftermath brought forward a number of old emails from 3 years ago. many of the emails are from when i was an intern. it was during this very very odd summer that was both golden and blue.

and after the summer sun set, just as the new school year began, the long and windy road that lay before no longer seemed so frightening.

i only skimmed some of the emails. i'll look at them again, in a later date. it's nice knowing they are there. but a lot of stuff should just be kept as is. i'll look again sometime when i am down, or really bored, or really happy, or alone, or with someone special, or something. i don't care. i know they're there. and right now, i'm here.

my hair is long enough in many strands pulled naturally together that i need to tuck them behind my year, like a nervous girl.

or like a guy to a girl when he's going in for the kiss. that's my personal favorite move to do as i get to touch her face and cup it oh so slightly as i brush past hair to the sensitive spot behind the ear.

i went to billy's and played guitar with him for about 30 minutes before going home to rest. i was planning on writing a song but i think i'll just make a new mixed cd instead. i'll write some other day. there is always motivation for guitar. there isn't always such motivation for making someone a cd.

i think i'm losing more of my hearing.

i vaccummed when came home for about 1 minute. i did clean up the important parts, all the little tiny dead bugs in the kitchen steps area and by the door. i am so great.

jane told me i looked good in my shirt today. she said the color really complimented me. i was wearing my longsleeve t-shirt from j.crew. the color, though, is baby gap gay blue. that color compliments me eh?

curbdrop out of grace

Saturday, April 30, 2005